Warriors Uncut Vol 2: Legends We'd Rather Forget
by Creativetomboy
Summary: Like the original Warriors Uncut, Vol. 2 gives us a glimpse at the warriors, new and old, as they experience times that are not-so-legendary. There will be no tales here that the warriors look completely fondly at, though there are a few good laughs.
1. Story 1

1\. Setting the Stage

What a night! It was loaded with pillaging, conquering, and most of all, good old fashion fun. Tetra, the pirate captain, pillaged and conquered the hardest of all, and she paid for it. As tired as one would be after a hangover, Tetra lay in slumber outside Hyrule Castle. The campfire she set up in the pitch black of the night sits still at her feet, the breeze taking an ash or two from the extinguished twigs.

The oldest trick in the book; a mischievous fairy tickles Tetra's nose ever so gently. Subconsciously, Tetra swings her arm up from the elbow, and now she's got a bigger problem. A glob of unidentified cream substance clogs her nostrils. Upon tasting it with the tip of her tongue, it is certainly not edible.

With a can of shaving cream in one hand and a nice dagger in the other, Skull Kid actually considers shaving. Not right here, of course. That would be obscene. Not in front of Tatl and Tael; they'd never be able to un-see what has been seen.

Groggily, Tetra uses her abs to sit up, and then uses her non-dominant hand to smear the majority of the shaving cream off her face. With a smirk, she deliberately yawns. An eye-watering stench seems to surround Skull Kid. He would make a big scene and start pretending to choke, but he doesn't want Tetra to get that satisfaction. He simply does what he thinks Ghirahim would do- make two waves of his hand over his nose to clear the air he is about to breathe of any impurities- and giggles.

Tetra wants that hat, so she takes that hat. With a new straw hat, Tetra stands up. She crudely brushes off the seat of her pants. A hatless Skull Kid realizes that wielding a dagger without a sheath is dangerous. The more dangerous, the better, so he gives Tetra her sheath back.

"Hey!" Tetra squeals, noticing a familiar shine from Skull Kid's knife. Her knife! That little thief! And there he goes, hatless with a dagger; a particularly hazardous combination. To top things off, Tatl and Tael take Skull Kid's hat back and return it to its rightful owner. So that's two things Tetra wants back.

Meanwhile, Zelda prepares to take attendance. There seems to be a new Link every day, so a record is required to keep track of the Links and what era they belong to. She reaches the bottom of the staircase, her eyes fixed on the clipboard in her hands. If she wasn't tripped, she wouldn't have noticed Skull Kid hiding behind her.

She looks up. A cat-like Tetra pounces through the open window in pursuit. As Skull Kid makes a run for it up the stairs, Zelda stealthily plucks Tetra's dagger from his belt. And a good thing, too, as Skull Kid slips on a wet rag one of the castle servants accidentally left behind on the staircase and tumbles backwards, straight into Tetra's clutches.

"Ack! Let me go! I won't do it again!" Skull Kid cries, struggling in Tetra's clutches. With her knife safely in Zelda's possession, Tetra doesn't see any reason to keep the kid in a chokehold. She releases him. He responds not with a 'thank you', but instead with "No promises."

Unexpectedly, Zelda pulls out a whistle. Three Links of different eras show themselves, lining up in an orderly fashion smack in the middle of the foyer. Tetra is ultimately intrigued by their behavior, especially since she knows Toon Link doesn't respond to anything but his name. He ignores all other calls.

Zelda continues her routine with a dignified manner, checking off each 'Link' as she goes. "Linkle, Toon Link, Young Link..." There is someone in line that doesn't qualify as a Link. "You're not Link!" Skull Kid scampers out of line, giggling all the way. Zelda would describe his hijinks as a hybrid between Midna's harmless pranks and Wizzro's lust to feed off of everyone else's misery; truly terrible trouble indeed.

But there is still a Link missing. Zelda calls a second time, "Link!" She receives two replies, one from Toon Link and one from Young Link, but they are both in front of her and already accounted for. An awkward silence follows. Tetra has enough time to check the sharpness of her knife whilst they wait.

Skull Kid's acute ears pick up stirring somewhere upstairs. He is able to turn his head about 100 degrees around, which is more than the average human, less than the average owl. Tetra takes notice of his neck cracking. Zelda calls again. Tetra can start to hear a rhythmic tap similar to that of knocking the two halves of an empty coconut together.

There is a whinny and a scream followed by the sound of bodies tumbling down due to gravity. Zelda, immediately alert to this, whips around to face the staircase. Her hands cover her mouth as a reaction to the horror. The three closest to the staircase dodge the surprisingly unharmed Epona. Link follows shortly behind his horse, still gripping the reigns. Linkle is as horrified as Zelda. After the initially shock, Skull Kid finds the situation outrageously funny. His stomach starts to hurt, and he can't breathe. To keep from collapsing, he uses Tetra's shoulder as a crutch. Tetra is thinking to herself 'oh no', but also finds the situation a tad humorous. Seriously, how often do you get to witness _that_?

It ends up being Epona that helps the discombobulated Link onto his feet. Zelda exclaims, "Oh great Hylia, are you alright?!" Link smiles, at least until Zelda starts checking Epona for injuries. Sure, no one cares that Link's right foot is backwards! Oh wait… that's just his boot. His boot is on backwards. False alarm.

To sum up everything that just happened, Hyrule Castle is pretty much normal. There was a peaceful period between Ganondorf's defeat and Phantom Ganon's attack, where in between those two periods of serious war, there were mini wars. Linkle finally made it to Hyrule Castle, where she was introduced to Zelda and Link. Wait, so Link is the hero? She doesn't believe he's the hero, so the two are locked in an argument where agreeing to disagree is not an option. Also between the great wars, Cia showed up on and off. Then one day she just stayed off. Not even her minions could find her, not that Wizzro was looking for her. Volga could see Lana's distress, and decided it was his duty to help find Cia.

Now that Phantom Ganon has been trapped in his own era, Cia is free, and though the Guardian of Time cannot be one again, they can still watch over Hyrule from the Valley of Seers together. As for Volga and Wizzro, no longer under the jurisdiction of Cia, they are free to dispute over the Eldin Caves. Not to say they don't lend a hand when their former full-time mistress calls.

Lana grew very fond of everyone within the other eras, and it was heartbreaking to see them all go. If only there was a way to allow them to visit without plunging Hyrule into peril. As the majority of the Guardian of Time, Cia was able to make Lana's wish a reality. By opening special portals to the different eras, all of Lana's friends are able to step into Lana's era, and similarly, Lana into their eras. And Darunia was afraid he'd never have a friendly banter with Midna again.

Oh yeah, at one point attempting to open a portal to Tetra and King Daphnes' era, Cia got a little carried away. A portal into a completely different game universe was opened. Of course, Lana had to check it out. One nice man she met mistook her for a Pokémon Trainer… whatever that is. Luckily for the world as we know it, Cia pulled Lana out of that world and closed that portal before Majora could try the moon plot again there.

It should be noted that nobody knows how Majora's Mask found its way into this era, but nobody figured it was a big problem when Link made easy work of Majora and its puppet. On the subject of mysteries, Cia opened one portal with an era unknown. Lana explored a little, but only met a lovely girl with red hair by the ocean. She said if that if Lana every needed anything to come and get her, and with that Lana left.

Cia isn't too sure about all these new friends. But don't worry; she'll keep an eye on things.


	2. Story 2

2\. The Midnight Kidnapper

Perhaps it is time to get back to the cucco farm, Linkle thinks to herself. With Hyrule no longer under immediate threat, Linkle's mission is complete.

She puts her hands in her back pockets, rocking on her feet. "Well, I suppose I should be off. There's another place that needs this hero's help," Linkle admits to her new friends: the royal army general, another said 'hero', and the princess of Hyrule herself.

Impa notices that Linkle is looking at the map upside down. Once this is corrected, Linkle sets off for home. In reality, it shouldn't have taken her as long as it did to reach Hyrule Castle from her village, but since Linkle can't navigate for the life of her, she visited several other locations that were out of her way. Even with Impa's aid, Linkle still manages to find herself in the forest on her way home. The Great Deku Tree is not above guiding lost children back home.

Linkle's home village celebrates their beloved hero's return. The very pinnacle of excitement and dreams has come home from a dangerous journey. Everyone Linkle knows crowd the streets, smiles on their faces and cheering. Jeph and Tomu, Linkle's childhood besties, give her congratulatory nudges on the shoulder the moment she crosses the borders of town. They saw her off, and now they welcome her back with open arms. Even Old Lady Suzanna patiently knits in her wheelchair, waiting for Linkle to get close enough to call out to her.

It is late in the evening before Linkle has no more neighbors eager to see her after her heroic voyage. The sun has almost disappeared behind the horizon. Like always, Tomu and Jeph are the last ones to say ta-ta for the day. Jeph, skeptical and skinny, stops and cautions, "Now hurry home. Something probably followed you here and got into your house while we were all giving you the great village welcome." Linkle turns around to look at the guys, amused by the absurd notion.

Linkle counts the cuccos before heading inside for the night. She's starved! Her mind is immediately distracted by the sounds of rummaging from the other room.

She is surprised to find that Jeph was right about something following her home. A peculiar imp gets his business all up in Linkle's chest of memories, keepsakes, and knickknacks. Linkle's first view of the kid is his rear end sticking up as he digs deep into the storage.

"Hey! What are you doing in there?!" shrieks Linkle at the fairy-less, uninvited guest.

Undeterred, Skull Kid looks up at her. He replies calmly, "Looking through you're things. The rest of the house is boring, even your closet." Upon digging a little more, he pulls out a rubber ducky. "Heh! Found your duck, Charlie." He tosses it over his shoulder, no longer interested.

Linkle, not afraid to get her hands dirty, pulls the child out of her belongings by his collar, similar to that of a mother cat and her kitten. However, as she carries him out, she trips on one of her coats, courtesy of Skull Kid, of course. He played dress-up earlier, putting nothing away once he was done with it.

Skull Kid breaks free of her grasp. He laughs at her misfortune until she reaches for him while down. He evades her every time she reaches to touch him. With all physical efforts in vain, she resorts to reasoning with him. "What do you want?" she interrogates.

"A little fun, that's all," is the mischievous thief's response. Feeling a little famished himself, Skull Kid makes his way to the kitchen. Linkle is too late, as he is already helping himself to the last of her bread by the time she gets to the kitchen.

"No," she hisses, not with despair but fury. This catches Skull Kid by surprise. "You're getting out!" the owner of the house shouts. Her quick thinking prevents her from using her crossbows, as that would be a little excessive to use in her abode. Instead, she grabs the broom. Skull Kid attempts to avoid the broom, but fails, getting hit like a fly against a fly swatter.

Linkle humanely shoves Skull Kid towards the front door with the brush part of the broom. He pushes against the broom to no avail. "Hey, wait!" He calls, his feet causing friction against the floor. Using the broom to keep him in place, Linkle reaches for the doorknob. Once the door is open, she returns to her position. "Out!"

"Wait!" cries Skull Kid. Linkle shoves him out into the night. He has to take a few steps to keep from falling down. She is ready to close the door.

"I have nowhere else to go!"

And Linkle stops. The sincere desperateness in his voice stopped her. Her flushed red cheeks slowly lose color. She watches as Skull Kid turns to face her. For the first time, she sees his face behind Majora's Mask as he removes it. His fingers examine it as he avoids making eye contact with Linkle.

The kid quietly mutters, "I- I've been kicked out everywhere else. I guess I caused too much trouble. I just want to stay with someone I know." He looks as if he is about to cry.

Both are startled when a strange roar is heard in the near distance. If it was a recognizable predator, Linkle's first concern would be the cuccos. However, the roar is as foreign to Linkle as Skull Kid is foreign to Linkle's village. Safety comes first. Linkle commands, "In. Get in." The initial shock from the situation ceases quick, and Skull Kid hurries back in. Linkle shuts and locks the door behind him.

It becomes deathly quiet outside, which is unusual for this hour. Perhaps the strange growl deterred the young villagers from staying out late. Linkle decides to keep an ear out for anything else unfamiliar.

Her thought process is disrupted when she catches Skull Kid out of the corner of her eye. Her attention is fixed on him. "Well," he starts, returning his mask to his face. "That was a sudden change of tone. What's up with that?"

Linkle rolls her eyes, looking at the window by her front door. She says, "That roar was not a coyote. It wasn't a fox or a bear either."

"You guys get bears, here?" Skull Kid knows bears; he's most at home in the woods. There are most certainly no bears in this area.

"Point is, whatever that was didn't sound friendly," states Linkle. Her guest is smart enough to put the pieces together, she assumes. Scary roar at night equals everyone, even pesky imps, inside. That's simple enough, right?

Skull Kid chuckles. "That thing doesn't scare me. I could handle myself." To prove it, he pulls out his ocarina from his hat, ready to play some furious magical tunes. "I've got this and this," he says pointing to his ocarina first, then Majora's Mask.

"Oh! If that's the case, you should be fine if I put you back out there," Linkle teases. She reaches for the doorknob. Not missing a beat, Skull Kid jumps back. "No!" he wails. Yeah, that's what Linkle thought.

Well played, so-called hero, Skull Kid thinks to himself. "But for the record, I could take care of myself out there if I were out there," he defends, hurt and miffed all at the same time.

All of that out of the way, Linkle's stomach reminds her what she wanted in the first place. On her way to the kitchen, she says, "I'll ask around tomorrow to see if we weren't the only ones who heard that." And Linkle doesn't see her guest again until she heads to bed. He made himself cozy in an open dresser drawer with his hat over his face and the fabled mask resting on his chest. Unlike before, her clothes lie in a pile out of the way where she can't trip over them. Skull Kid must have cleaned up while she ate. Linkle has something to think about that night.

…

Early the next morning, Linkle checks her cuccos first thing. Interestingly, whatever was roaring last night did not have a taste for bird, as her flock is still there, safe and sound. Also an early riser, Skull Kid checks out Linkle's cuccos. He learns not to mess with them the hard way. Linkle saves his skin, though she knows he deserved what he had coming.

He barely makes it out alive. "What are you feeding those things?!" He is certain they have a taste for blood. Nothing makes a hero happier than good old fashion justice. Linkle is amused.

"Yo! Linkle!" calls a familiar voice. She makes her way to the front, and is met by Tomu in a funky hat and ordinary Jeph. Besides the hat, everything here is normal. Oh, and Skull Kid. Linkle is not usually accompanied by anyone, let alone a forest child.

"Oh good, you stayed inside last night," says Jeph. This is all very cryptic to Linkle. "Wait, what do you mean?" Linkle questions.

Tomu can't help but stare at the masked shorty beside his childhood friend. He chuckles. "What the heck is that thing?" he inquires, amused by the creature's bizarre appearance.

Skull Kid shrugs at the hefty young adult. He snipes back "I don't know, what the heck is that thing?" pointing at Tomu's goofy hat. Linkle nudges the kid with her knee, but he only chuckles at the weak discipline.

"We forgot to mention yesterday," Jeph explains. "There is a midnight kidnapper."

"Heh, a midnight what?" Skull Kid butts in, giggling all the way.

Jeph and Tomu takes turns explaining that shortly after Linkle's departure the town started being patrolled by a mysterious figure prone to taking away anyone who was outside after midnight. This explains why Linkle didn't see some of her neighbors yesterday evening upon returning.

Linkle asks, "And nobody knows what it is or where it takes people?"

Tomu shakes his head. "Nobody knows." "Whoever it is knows where we all live, because they leave a note with a strange symbol on it on the door of who they took," Jeph adds. Tomu contributes once again with "Some of us have tried to impede the kidnapper, but then they get taken away."

"They come every night," the hero inquires, getting all the details. Her friends confirm that this statement is true. Every night at midnight, whether there is someone to take away or not, the kidnapper arrives only to be gone by daylight.

…

Dusk arrives, and Linkle, much to the disapproval of her buddies, arms herself. When the moon rises to its peak, Linkle steps out. She thought she had evaded the ears of Skull Kid, but he was never asleep to begin with.

On his way to the door, the roar is as loud as ever. He arrives at the window in time to see the cloaked abductor subdue Linkle. Surely with her screams someone could hear her. As quickly as it left, the silence returns. A sound similar to a staple gun emits from Linkle's front door, and shortly after a blur of black passes the window.

At its host's will, Majora's Mask glows from the eyes. The midnight kidnapper seemingly notices Skull Kid as it pauses shortly after passing by. The mask knows it would not be wise to immediately follow, so Skull Kid retires for the night.

…

The next morning is disturbingly quiet. Not even the cuccos are cooing, as if they know of their mistress's absence. The remaining resident of Linkle's home gets out of bed and heads straight for the front door.

Skull Kid pulls a note off the outside door. Like Jeph said, the only scribble on the crude piece of paper is an unrecognizable symbol. It must mean something, unless none of the notes possess the same symbol, in which case it really is just a worthless scribble.

"You!" someone cries from behind. Before he can react, Skull Kid is picked up by his collar and met face-to-face with Tomu. Jeph and another farm girl accompany him. "Do you have something to do with this?!" the bearded man interrogates. He doesn't have his ugly hat today.

Skull Kid reaches with both arms to grab the neck of Tomu's shirt, or at least scratch him. The farm girl stealthily plucks the note the kidnapper left behind from Skull Kid's hand. She and Jeph examine it. The girl confirms, "No denying it; Linkle was taken after midnight. Same symbol."

"I blame myself," Jeph groans. "If we hadn't told Linkle about it, she wouldn't have tried to be the hero and gotten herself nabbed."

Linkle is this village's hero, as well as a soldier for all of Hyrule itself. Someone needs to bring her home. Skull Kid fires a small laser blast from the eyes of his mask, effectively making Tomu drop him. He rushes into Linkle's bedroom. She left her trusty compass. It's a smart compass that seems to really like its mistress.

The farm girl, Jeph, and Tomu stare in awe at the masked creature as he steps out of Linkle's home wearing her prized compass. He leaves them in suspense until he announces, "I love this compass… but only when I'm being chased for it. Now it's my turn to chase Linkle to return it to her." Nobody understands what he's talking about. They can only watch as he takes back the only clue the kidnapper left behind and runs for Hyrule.

…

There is a reason kids don't ride grown horses, and Young Link learns this the hard way. Marin, a bystander, is amused by the situation, but sorry that Young Link is now temporarily paralyzed lying on the ground after being thrown off Epona.

All of Hyrule Field hears the sound of an ocarina being played. In order to hear this, Marin shushes Young Link up. The same tune plays in the near distance again. Marin demands, "Play your ocarina. Call back." Young Link obliges. His tune summons a couple of fairies, as well as alerts the other ocarina player to where he is.

Skull Kid comes running up the hill sporting the powerful Majora's Mask, his ocarina, and an unfamiliar compass around his neck. There also appears to be a piece of paper sticking out of the waistline of his trousers, but Marin and Young Link can only see this as he approaches.

"Oh, it's you," mutters Marin. Her facial expression and tone alone does not give away whether she is happy to see the imp or not.

"You're smart," Skull Kid gives this winded complement to the Hero of Time. This is very uncharacteristic of him. Then he lifts his ocarina. "Teach me a song that will make it nighttime," he commands. Now that's more like Skull Kid.

Young Link chuckles. Skull Kid is taken aback. He demands to know, "What's so funny? Did I say something funny?!"

Marin stands and moves so she is beside Young Link. "Link doesn't know a song to make it night," she explains. "Or do you?" she second guesses herself.

"Actually," Young Link recalls. "I know a scarecrow that can make it night."

Skull Kid is unconvinced. "Yeah, right, a scarecrow. Do you think I'm an idiot?"

Young Link shakes his head and says, "No, really! I suppose I shouldn't say he can make it night, but he can make it seem like it instantly turns night. He dances with you until the desired time. You don't even realize you've been dancing for so long until he stops dancing." For some reason, this story sounds a little more plausible to Skull Kid. Young Link directs him to that scarecrow, and Skull Kid heads that way. His fairy companions who came to Young Link upon hearing him play the ocarina, Tatl and Tael, follow Skull Kid once more. They can't say why they had to go in the first place, but it was nothing their friend Skull Kid did, so just forget about it.

To make a long story short, upon discovering the scarecrow, Skull Kid plucks it from the ground and travels all the way back to Linkle's village. By the time they get there, it is only noon, and Skull Kid has to muster all of his self-control to not tear his hat to shreds. This scarecrow won't stop talking! Thankfully, exercise relieves stress, and dance counts as exercise. Before Skull Kid knows it, the sun has fallen behind the horizon, and midnight is moments away.

Skull Kid is standing in the middle of the dirt road outside Linkle's home. Tatl asks what's going on, and Skull Kid gives a very cryptic reply. Tatl and Tael are left clueless. At the sound of the kidnapper's roar, the fairies hide in Skull Kid's hat.

"Hey! Here I am!" Skull Kid taunts the midnight captor. He pulls out all the stops to assure capture, using all of his provoking tricks, from the head shake to the butt wave. The butt wave always gets Ganondorf.

He is ignored.

The motionless Skull Kid watches as the black cloak of the kidnapper brushes over him and continues on its way. Tael whispers, "Are you crazy?!" Tatl is too terrified to ask any questions. She doesn't want to know.

Skull Kid has never been more determined to annoy the peewadden out of somebody. As the night goes on, some of Linkle's neighbors are awoken by the sound of Skull Kid's antics. Some of them giggle from their windows, entertained by Skull Kid's sometimes vulgar attempts to get noticed.

Tatl and Tael finish a game of two-player solitaire before dawn approaches. They decide to check up on Skull Kid's progress. He is currently a child that got no sleep whatsoever. The disheveled Skull Kid can't muster the lung capacity to play a terrible note on his trumpet.

The kidnapper, who received no victims, starts to take its leave. Skull Kid falls to his knees with exhaustion; not even black coffee could salvage him now. "Wait," he weakly calls. "You haven't seen me emulate Midna's voice with my armpits yet."

Tael is amazed. "You can do that?!" "Trust me, it's more annoying than the constant squeaking of Link's boots on the castle floor. You don't want to hear it," Tatl informs her brother.

Skull Kid collapses on his face. Majora just put up with Skull Kid all night to have him run out of energy come time to follow the kidnapper to its base. Majora won't stand for it. It lifts a limp Skull Kid by his face. "I'm up!" cries the kid. Majora sets Skull Kid on his feet and lets him borrow some energy via magic.

And with that, Skull Kid follows the midnight kidnapper far away from Linkle's village.

…

Several villagers watch as Linkle struggles to pick the cell lock with a bobby pin. Then the pin breaks. It's snapping motion and sound startles Linkle, and both pin halves fall to the cave floor. The disheartened heroine rests her forehead on cell bars, considering herself trapped for good.

Wise Old Man Gerald adjusts his spectacles and comforts, "You tried your best, sweetheart. That's what counts." Linkle doesn't want comforting; she wants results. She wants freedom for her neighbors. She wants to make things right like all heroes should.

A mischievous chuckle scares the naughty twins who ran outside after dark and found themselves in this predicament. The sound of jingling keys follows. Skull Kid steps into the light of the torch mounted on the cave wall. He twirls a key on a metal ring around his finger.

None of the prisoners know what to expect from the woodland imp in a strange mask. He may have the keys, but that doesn't mean anything until the cell is opened. Then Old Man Gerald recognizes Linkle's compass around the imp's neck. "Linkle," he exclaims. "That's your compass! …Or, my wishful thinking sees your compass."

That is undoubtedly Linkle's compass, once again lying in Skull Kid's grasp. Linkle can hardly believe it, her compass lead Skull Kid here? It must have! Not that her faith in the mystical compass needed renewing, but it is renewed nonetheless.

Skull Kid is unsure how keys and keyholes work. He places the key in the keyhole and waits for it to do something. He taps his foot impatiently. Linkle's questions and praise are delayed as her freedom is delayed. One of the young teen farmers harasses, "You're supposed to turn the key." "I know what I'm supposed to do!" Skull Kid angrily fibs in defense. He takes the advice given, and the cell is opened. That teen wastes no time exiting. The twins follow, along with the rest of the young folks.

Linkle is one of the last to step out. "You used my compass to come find me," she praises. Skull Kid laughs. "Your compass didn't do diddly squat. I just followed the kidnapper," he corrects. Linkle isn't amused. Nonetheless, Skull Kid returns the compass to its rightful owner, reviving Linkle's confidence as well as rewriting her view of the curious, ornery kid.

The screams of furious bulbins boom throughout the cave. Skull Kid's presence did not go unnoticed; it was just ignored until the keys disappeared. Linkle takes the initiative to recover her crossbows and lead the prisoners to safety.

Skull Kid follows behind, that is, until Tatl stops him. She points out Old Man Gerald, who is just now exiting the cell. His cane leads the way. The ground starts to vibrate from the stomping of a horde of approaching bulbins. There is no time to lose! "C'mon, gramps!" Skull Kid urgently hollers as he lifts the man off his feet and catches up with the group. "What is an old man doing outside after midnight?!"

The bulk of the bulbins are on the tail of the escapees. Linkle is halted by a fork in the tunnels. "Which way did we come in?!" she cries. One of her peers joins her up front, only to be just as confused. Tael alerts Skull Kid to the quickly approaching monsters. To buy them some time, Skull Kid summons a puppet to slow the bulbins' progress.

Linkle wipes the sweat from her brow. She is starting to panic because nobody remembers from which path they came. The hope is renewed when Skull Kid calls, "Majora says go right!" The old man on his shoulders is starting to weigh him down. Linkle doesn't know this Majora person, but at this point all she can do is trust.

Sure enough, Majora was right. Linkle leaps into the great outside world, a gust of fresh air refreshing her senses. Her neighbors follow shortly behind, and Skull Kid shortly after that. Linkle wasn't expecting him to drop Old Man Gerald in her arms. He asserts, "The bulbins are still coming!" Linkle takes the hint and leads her neighbors far away from the cave.

She doesn't have to go far. With the help of Majora's Mask, Skull Kid is able to make the cave entrance collapse with the entirety of its monster residents trapped inside, including but not limited to the Midnight Kidnapper.

Gerald can walk the rest of the way home.

…

"Three cheers for our hero, Linkle!" cheers Tomu. He and Jeph lift Linkle above the villagers. They applaud for her success and the new safety of the village.

Just outside the crowd, Skull Kid watches as the rescued return to their homes and families. The young farmer teen won't admit it, but they appreciate what Skull Kid did for them. Old Man Gerald gives Skull Kid his gratitude. "Yeah. You gotta do what ya gotta do," Skull Kid 'humbly' replies. "Now shoo. I can smell you from here." And Skull Kid takes his leave.

Linkle hurries to her house, dragging Tomu and Jeph with her. Skull Kid just stepped inside. "Guys," Linkle says as she stops in the open doorway. "Spread the word around town- it wasn't just me who brought everyone back and stopped the kidnapper. We should be thanking Skull Kid." Sometimes a hero can't do it alone, and those who help deserve credit, too. Linkle's heart told her share the praise.

Skull Kid is looking at Linkle and her buds over his shoulder. He is secretly touched that Linkle wants everyone to know of his work. It's moments like these that remind him why an expressionless mask is great to have.

Tomu sighs and says, "We can tell the village your new friend helped out, Linkle." Jeph nods in agreement. He smiles at the masked child. "Thanks guys. I really appreciate it," Linkle says before the men part with her for the day.

Now it's Linkle's turn. She looks at Skull Kid and says, "Skull Kid, thank you. You got me out of a real pickle, and very well may have saved this place a lot of trouble." Skull Kid likes all this praise. He rubs the back of his head and shyly responds, "Aw, it was nothin'."

The clucks of Linkle's hungry cuccos alert the duo to their presence. "Oh!" Linkle exclaims. "Did you feed the cuccos this morning?"

"UH…" Guilty as charged, Skull Kid. He can't remember if he fed them yesterday morning or not, adding to his guiltiness. Linkle rolls her eyes before heading back outside to care for her birds.

On her way to the cucco cages, Linkle stops to inspect a new scarecrow. Huh, she doesn't remember having a scarecrow, and she wasn't gone very long. Weird.

Author's Notes- I've got two out-of-the-ordinary ideas I need to discuss with you all. First, I currently have a story written for this, but as I was writing, it took a life of its own and became more of a soap opera than a comedy. Yes, there are a few good laughs here and there as well as a happy ending, but it questions morals and causes suffering. Is anyone interested in that, or should I stick to the strictly humor formula of the Warriors Uncut series?  
Then secondly, there is an idea floating around in my head that I want questions answered first before I make a story out of it. Imagine yourself in a parallel dimension where you aren't opposite of yourself, but rather just different. Events in your life played out differently, making that version of you a little different, perhaps just bizarre. I would like to do that with the warriors; a Hyrulean War in a different LoZ universe with the same warriors but different stories. What I need to know is should that be a separate fanfiction on its own, or just story for Vol. 2 to step away from the norm?  
That is all for now. Have a nice day.


	3. Story 3

3\. Espionage Mission

There is nothing Ganondorf and his minions can do about the frozen Fi, whom is trapped in ice in the frozen wasteland far north of Hyrule. Zant harmlessly taps on the glass-like ice, effectively irritating Fi, but he'll never know that.

Ghirahim is dressed in an insulated version of his cape, a scarf, and a heated sash. He consults with the hardcore Lord Ganondorf about the situation. Ganondorf's twisted mind concocts a scheme so bizarre that it might just work. He asks his minions, "Are we prepared to head home?" "Any time before my beautiful figure turns black with frost bite," you can guess which narcissistic minion replied like this.

The desert doesn't seem so bad after visiting the ice lands. Ghirahim and Zant strip their winter wear, and in the process they are overjoyed to the point where they can be manipulated to do almost anything. You know that feeling when you're so happy for whatever reason that nothing can get you down, even being told to do boring chores around the house? That's what Ganondorf's minions are feeling right now.

This is Ganondorf's opportunity. It may have been the cold keeping him from thinking straight, but the Gerudo king devised a tricky and risky plan whilst being refrigerated up north. With Fi trapped in the snow and ice, there will be one warrior missing. There will be one warrior missing no matter what until that ice thaws. Someone might miss Fi, unless Ghirahim pretended to be Fi. In this case, the warriors would have a Fi (though not the original), but would be missing a Ghirahim.

Listening to this scheme, Ghirahim about snaps out of his joyful trance, yet doesn't quite. He voices his concerns, but nonetheless trusts Lord Ganondorf and is willing to go through with it. He begins the transformation by going shopping for clothes in his size that look similar to Fi's attire.

Meanwhile, from just a few of the many disposable monsters in Ganondorf's army, Zant is informed of a rumor about the light side of the Guardian of Time. Like a game of telephone, he divulges this information to Ganondorf. Ganondorf doesn't consider the accuracy of the multiple-source transferred message. For the sake of the story, it isn't important to note how distorted the story became by the time it reached Ganondorf.

Where there is a Lana, there should be a Cia. Ganondorf wonders if he should provide a Cia to accompany Lana to Hyrule Castle. Zant might be a little tall, but with the right magic and make-up, nobody would be able to tell the difference. The plan is risky to begin with, so what the heck.

By this time, Ghirahim has sufficiently acquired a costume and messed around at the vanity long enough to where, if he didn't sound like Ghirahim, Zant would have mistaken him for Fi. Ganondorf will never know where or how Ghirahim got a hold of blank, blue-tinted contact lenses.

…

Her other half may have taken a few-days' vacation to Hyrule Castle, but Cia stayed at the Valley of Seers. For old time's sake, she summons her former full-time minions for a game of War. The board game of War acts as a battle simulator for the warriors. Cia would often plan her battle strategies using the pieces and cards of this board game. Better yet, playing War inspires Cia to try new approaches to the game and in real battles. Many of the tactics Wizzro uses to beat Cia in the game are utilized on the battlefield.

Cia owns a customized War board game. Today, the trio decides to play the game as themselves. Before her defeat in the real war, Cia would have Wizzro play this game with her as the enemy she was about to start a real brawl with. She would learn what not to do or how to react to the enemy via the board game before stepping foot on the battlefield. Yet, she still lost her fair share of tussles, and she blames Wizzro for not preparing her correctly. But I digress.

On the board, Cia and her adversaries have each chosen two allies (whether those warriors would realistically fight alongside them or not), and five of one type of soldier captain. So, to clarify, Cia currently has her card as the head commander, the Link and King Daphnes cards as second commanders, and five Stalmasters. The little soldiers that count for 90% of your total KOs in battle and can respawn pretty randomly are theoretical for this game, and in War battle scenarios never cause the fall of commanders or soldier captains. Though it is possible for a warrior to be struck down by a minor soldier, it isn't likely, therefore isn't possible on the board game.

Wizzro has a bias for darkness element weapons and warriors, so his impish commanders will probably be tossed around by Cia and Volga's commanders. Wizzro has faith in them and his skill in this game anyways. He'll pull off a victory like he always does. Plus, he chose Moblins as his solider captains, causing groans of annoyance from Cia and Volga. If Cia gets Link, and Volga gets Zelda, then Wizzro should at least be allowed the most irritating soldier captain.

Volga takes his commander and makes a daring move. "In an effort to subdue them from the inside," he begins by moving his card. "Zelda utilizes a great deal of magic to masquerade as Link and safely enter Cia's base." This is a plausible event, so neither Cia or Wizzro can call this out.

"You pretty much sentenced her to death by doing that," Wizzro grumbles. That was actually a clever move from Volga, and Wizzro is just a little jealous that he didn't think of that first. He very well could have done the same thing with Midna.

Rather than jealous, Cia is inspired. She stands up, slapping her palms on the table. "We can finish this later!" she hollers. This startles the men. Abandoning the table, the three start walking towards the exit.

Cia explains, "Ganondorf will take any unfair advantage he gets, and I don't want Lana spending time at Hyrule Castle to be Ganondorf's opportunity." She turns to the ring wraith. "You can perform a little spy work, can you not?" He can, but Ganondorf is sure to find him if he tries to stay out of sight.

"Then you will hide in plain sight," states Volga. "But choose wisely which of Ganondorf's subordinates you impersonate. You need to act believably." Cia and Volga consider this carefully. Is Wizzro more similar to the quiet, two-faced, work-on-the-fly Zant, or the expressive, plan-driven, narcissistic Ghirahim? Will Wizzro choose to silently and intently note everything Ganondorf has to say, or will he engage in conversation and speak his mind as new thoughts pop up?

The latter for both questions, definitely. Wizzro takes Ghirahim's form. Though slightly discolored, nobody should be able to tell the difference. In the style of Ghirahim, Wizzro says before departing, "When I return, we shall finish what we started, our game. I look forward to it." In a display of diamonds, Wizzro is gone.

Cia looks at Volga. There is no possible way Wizzro can complete this mission alone.

…

Headquarters is so quiet that one would think nobody is home. In fact, Ganondorf is home alone. As he suspected, HQ is only noisy and chaotic because of the mentally-developing adult minions known simply as Zant and Ghirahim (in that order. Everyone refers to the duo using Zant's name first. Ghirahim doesn't understand why this occurs.)

Ganondorf is just about to start enjoying himself when 'Ghirahim' shows up. The Gerudo King stands up and faces his minion. He teases, "Do you need me to run over the plan again?" Wizzro, who is masquerading as the demon lord and thus far succeeding, is caught off-guard. He thought he would have to probe Ganondorf for a plan first, so hearing the word 'plan' in the first thirty seconds upon arriving is quite unexpected.

Wizzro stutters before asking politely to hear the plan. He never asks politely, even when pretending to be someone else. Ganondorf has done a number on him without placing a finger on him.

The king silently counts to ten, taking deep breaths in an effort to prevent a migraine. He starts from the beginning, "Remember, Fi was frozen in the ice... you go in as Fi… and I don't know, cause havoc or something. You and Zant are good at that." Wizzro blanked out during that where the '…'s are, but he thinks he got the main idea.

Something seems off, so Ganondorf questions, "You're awfully quiet, Ghirahim. You had nothing snappy to say during that?"

"A guy can't just be lost in his own world for once?" snaps Wizzro. The guy asked for snappy, so Wizzro is going to give him snappy. Ganondorf would be mad if he wasn't so amused.

Then Volga dressed as Zant enters the room. Wizzro has compared the two men before, and Zant is not nearly as buff as Volga. Not to say Zant isn't strong in his own right; Wizzro is just saying that by physical appearance one would assume that Volga possesses more strength, or at least lifts weights.

Wizzro facepalms.

"Now what?! Don't tell me you forgot what you were doing, too!" bellows the now furious Ganondorf. Zant is to Ganondorf as Volga is to Cia; the obedient, generally quiet, mostly dependable commander. To see Zant at HQ rather than executing the plan makes Ganondorf upset.

This is Wizzro's chance to probe. "Wait," he mutters. "What was Zant supposed to be doing?"

"Kind of like how you're supposed to be Fi at Hyrule Castle, he's supposed to be Cia at wherever she is supposed to be. I left that up to him to figure out, but instead he's here and not even in costume."

Not even biting his tongue can keep Wizzro from chuckling. Both he and Volga are utterly humored at the thought of Zant in Cia's clothing.

Ganondorf interrupts their fun by pleading, "I'm desperately asking you to confirm to me that you actually do know what Cia was doing and where she is." Volga can't say anything for two reasons: 1) he can't speak for Zant, as he doesn't know Zant's current progress, and 2) he isn't quite sure what Ganondorf is looking for in this oral report. Knowing hardly anything about the Twili, Volga is at a disadvantage.

"Vol- er, Zant, can I talk to you for a moment?" Wizzro asks. He stopped himself before giving away Volga's identity, because that would have been bad.

The wizard has saved Volga from having to answer Ganondorf; a miracle. Ganondorf allows his 'minions' a moment to speak in private. Wizzro gently leads Volga around the corner, far out of earshot. Wizzro immediately asks, "Who did we get our orders from?" His tone doesn't make him sound confused, but rather he appears to be looking for assurance or a second opinion.

"UM… Cia." Then Volga catches Wizzro's brainwaves. "Wait, you don't actually believe that we wouldn't be able to tell the real Cia from Zant dressed as Cia?"

Wizzro shrugs. "That's what I thought at first. 'Oh, Zant would never be able to pull off Cia. He's got no bust.'"

"TMI."

"But then I remembered that Zant and Midna are technically both Twili, granted Midna is a little cursed right now."

"Her curse is on and off. I've tangled with her while she was curse-free a couple of times."

"Will you stop interrupting me!?" Wizzro squeals. Volga places a hand over Wizzro's mouth, which isn't as nasty and slobbery while he is in Ghirahim's form. Upon release, Wizzro nods whilst he decides amongst himself to be quieter. He continues what he was saying in an audible whisper; "Like I was saying, it might be possible for Zant to use shape-shifting magic. Yes, my shape-shifting is a little rough, but who is to say that Zant's isn't spot on."

Volga is worried about Wizzro's mental health. Is he feeling alright? He never thinks highly of anyone's abilities, or at least doesn't verbally admit when he does. However, he has a point. Volga can't deny that Twilight magic is powerful, and on top of that, Zant may or may not be aided by Ganondorf's magic.

So, did they take orders from the real Cia, or Zant masquerading as Cia? …This is all very confusing. But something doesn't add up. Volga inquires, "Why would Zant turn around and send us as him and Ghirahim to spy on Ganondorf? What motive would he have?"

"What motive would he _not_ have?" Wizzro's reverse psychology works every time. This didn't answer Volga's question, but he thinks he understands what Wizzro is trying to say. He's trying to say that the guy doesn't need a motive; he just does what he wants.

Instant gratification is technically a motive, but if Volga were to bring this up, the duo would enter a world of philosophical debate, and they don't have time for that. What they need to do right now is go back to the Valley of Seers and interrogate 'Cia', if she can truly be called that.

…

Ghirahim facepalms.

Everything about this is wrong, and Zant can feel it. Anyone in their right mind would notice something strange. To list just a few things to notice: Cia's figure is a little more curved than his; Cia's hips are as wide as, if not wider than her shoulders, which Zant is the opposite; his complexion is gray, versus Cia's tan; the way the fake breasts move is enough to show they are fake; his butt is flat (don't go look at Cia's rear end for comparison); and finally, if Cia's mask were to come off, his face would be revealed and destroy the mission.

What Zant is wearing can be described in one word- Wrong.

Lana tilts her head and squints at Zant. Oh no, you idiot, she has already found you out, Ghirahim thinks. There is an awkward pause, then Lana asks, "Have your arms always reached past your knees, Cia?"

Zant feels faint. Lana is quick to react to his sway, catching him before he falls. "Well no wonder you look strange! You've lost so much weight! I haven't noticed you eating any less. Are you alright?" she worriedly questions.

"You have got to be kidding me!" Ghirahim can't believe how brainless these people are. Is he the only one that can recognize Zant without his helmet? This is ridiculous beyond levels of comprehension. What is this, a cartoon?

The residents of Hyrule Castle, and Lana, curiously look at whom they believe to be Fi. Ghirahim looks at all of them, and he can feel his face start to flush. He loves attention, but not while dressed as the opposite sword spirit.

Hidden from everyone, Zant smirks slyly. He musters the strength to stand up on his own and say, "That's quite a display of emotion, Fi. Are you hiding something from us?"

Ghirahim is tempted to speak his mind, but he's too good of an actor to fall out of character like that. He crafts a response that will convey to his peer just how he feels, but inconspicuously in the style of Fi; "I have analyzed you and determined that you are indeed Cia, the same Cia that nobody likes."

Zant loves this. He got the message. The only thing more fun than embarrassing Ghirahim is irritating Ghirahim. It may or may not have been established yet that Ghirahim has anger issues.

The joke is on Zant when Lana's arms wrap around him in sympathy. "That's not true, Cia! You're not the villain anymore, so we like you." Zant's chest was already warm against fake breasts, but now it feels sunburned. (For clarification, sunburns feel like fire to Twilis.) He currently has all the same symptoms as feeling faint, only he can't go unconscious, which is really unfortunate.

Lana is not letting go. Ghirahim doesn't know whether to laugh or to feel embarrassed. He feels embarrassed that he has to work with this guy anyways, but now it's worse. When the two make eye contact, Zant mouths a desperate 'help me'. What is Ghirahim supposed to do, get a crowbar and pry the sorceress off of him?

Impa, Zelda, and Link are all in the room at this time. They have been in the room this entire time. And now Impa finally speaks up, saying, "I think she understands, Lana. You can let go now." Lana releases and stutters, "S-sorry Cia. I get emotional. But, yeah, we've got work to do. I'm glad you decided to come!"

With that, everyone but the imposters leave the room. This gives Ghirahim the privacy to scold his co-minion, to which Zant finds amusement. Or, at least, he would find amusement if he wasn't scarred for life by what just happened. At least thus far the mission hasn't been compromised, which is a miracle in its own right.

…

Cia can't take a nap in these conditions. A bright light illuminates the darkness under her eyelids. She opens her eyes. The source of the light is being dangled over her eyes, so squinting is the only way to see what's going on. Volga's Dragonbone Pike holds a flashlight above Cia. Cia sits up, the light moving accordingly.

Marin intimidatingly asks, "Where's Mr. Krabs?!"

Volga shakes his head. "Wrong fictional universe, Marin." Marin steps back with a cheesy smile. She ran into Volga and Wizzro as they were heading back to the Valley of Seers. Though at first she mistook them for Zant and Ghirahim, they corrected her by revealing who they were. Marin was undeterred by their reveal and decided to follow them anyways.

"Back so soon, boys?" Cia questions whilst yawning. Marin responds, "We'll be asking the questions around here." Cia now understands what's going on; a classic interrogation. Oh boy, what do these idiots want from her this time? (Cia is used to the randomness of the world by now.)

"We spoke with Ganondorf," explains Wizzro. "We know who you are." To get someone with an alibi to confess their true identity, you must first convince them that their disguise has been compromised.

Well, this method doesn't work if the person being interrogated is currently not trying to hide their identity. "The Guardian of Time?" Cia inquires. "I thought you guys knew that." "I don't mean to correct you, but you are half of the Guardian of Time," Volga politely disagrees. Cia shakes her head and says, "No. I am the original Guardian of Time with the light from my heart removed. I suppose you can say I'm like a starfish; a limb is removed, I grow that limb back, and my disembodied limb grows a new body. I'm still the original starfish." Volga can't argue with that logic.

This is stupid, Wizzro ponders to himself. They've gotten nowhere. Volga can sense Wizzro's hopelessness. He hands his pike to Wizzro as his way of saying 'leave this to me'. Cia is allowed to stand up. Volga explains that since this Cia is obviously the real Cia, he can ask if she sent them to go spy on Ganondorf.

Cia is thinking abstractly and making inferences. To summarize her train of thought, if her own minions are questioning if she is truly Cia, then someone else must have taken her identity. She bellows, "Who has stolen my name?!"

…

Crash! The castle doors are wide open. "ZANT!"

Every living thing at Hyrule Castle is scared stiff. Lana dashes into the foyer from the kitchen. She is excited as always to see Cia. With a friendly wave, Lana greets Cia.

Cia has urgent matters on the brain. She purposely strides over to Lana and asks, "Lana, have I already been here since you have?" The reason Cia asked this was to see if Zant is here. Lana nods before saying that she thought Cia was upstairs.

Volga and Wizzro are looking up at the second floor. Cia's impersonator and Fi's impersonator are peeking around the wall, terrified. Zelda storms in from the hallway opposite of Zant and Ghirahim. Volga, following a personal code of chivalry, says, "We apologize for letting ourselves in, Princess." Zelda accepts Volga's apology, but a shiver is sent up her spine when Wizzro grins at her from below.

Zelda counts two of Cia, one upstairs across the hall and one downstairs with Lana. When Zelda ran in and Volga noticed her, so too did the Guardian of Time, light and dark. "Zelda," Cia yells. "The other Cia is an imposter!"

All that is left to do is boldly step forward and object. "Now wait just a minute! Who are you supposed to be!?" Zant retorts. Cia grimaces with both disgust and hatred. "As if you don't know, Zant!" Zant flinches, cover completely blown.

"Hold up… that's Zant?!" Zelda is in utter disbelief. Upon switching glances between the real Cia and Zant dressed as Cia, Zelda can tell the difference. She feels really stupid now. "Oh great Hylia," she mutters. "This is so wrong and so embarrassing. I can't believe I actually thought he was Cia."

"It's ok, Zelda. I fell for his disguise, too," Lana confesses. Of all people, she should be able to recognize a Cia fake. But, if Zant was Cia all this time; "AAA! I actually hugged Zant!" squeals a horrified Lana. Wizzro finds Lana's despair humorous.

Ghirahim nods. "He took it like a pro and didn't regurgitate all over you." Before Zant humiliates himself by thoughtlessly admitting that Lana's hug wasn't so bad, Cia declares that they catch the imposter. A chase ensues. Volga and Wizzro are halfway up the staircase when Zant launches himself over the railing and softly lands on top of Lana. He evades Cia's grasp and charges through the castle, which he familiarized himself with during his time there on the off-chance he would need to flee through it sometime.

Fi's impersonator runs the opposite way of his red-handed partner-in-crime. His escape attempt is futile when Wizzro places himself in between Ghirahim and the nearest window. Ghirahim comes to a skidding halt and stops only Wizzro's arm width away from colliding with the wizard.

Playing with his victim, Wizzro coos, "Oh Fi, don't you wish to help us catch and punish Zant?" He cackles in his usual way. Ghirahim is on the defensive. What would Fi do? Kick him! Wizzro's reflexes are on point, and he swiftly dodges Ghirahim's hostilities. Ghirahim loses his balance and is left open. Wizzro is done playing games, so he says, "We've seen right through your petty disguise, Ghirahim! You're in trouble, too, you know!" Ghirahim isn't going down, not unless Wizzro can catch him.

In a comical display, those seven warriors scamper through the castle, always passing through the foyer. At one point, Ghirahim bashes into Zelda, recovers, and continues on his way knowing that Zelda still thinks he's Fi. Zelda starts to pursuit Ghirahim only after seeing Wizzro on a mad dash for him. Cia steals a taste of the soup the royal chef is preparing as she pursuits Zant through the kitchen. It's a really good soup. Lana trips on the rug in the foyer, causing a chain reaction of tripping. Volga trips over her and rolls to a halt, but not before tripping Cia. Zant manages to hop over Lana, but he lands on Wizzro at the foot of the stairs. He is the only one to avoid tripping, as Zelda and Ghirahim tumble down the stairs and crush Wizzro again. That's six of the seven warriors down.

Zant continues to run a victory lap around the castle.

The front door bursts open. "ZANT! GHIRAHIM!" Zant pivots his foot before stepping foot back into the foyer. He talks to himself, saying, "Lord Ganondorf, run!" Returning to the kitchen, Zant slips on the dropped butter and goes spiraling into the pantry. A chef can't work under these conditions! He throws his hat to the ground and stomps off.

"Ganondorf!"

"Cia!"

The dark sorceress is just as surprised to see Ganondorf here as Ganondorf is surprised to see the real Cia. This encounter places them both in an awkward position. Volga is the one to help Cia, Lana, and Zelda to their feet. Ghirahim and Wizzro can get up themselves.

Marin peeks around the hefty Lord Ganondorf. "I'm sorry. I thought Ganondorf could shed some light on the situation."

Zelda nods. "I can understand that since he's a down-to-business kind of guy," the princess agrees.

With that said, Ganondorf asks the all-important question; "Where's my Cia?"

"Over here, my lord," stutters an ashamed and messy Zant, stumbling in from the kitchen. He joins the line of warriors standing before Ganondorf. Ganondorf tells him that he looks like he just came out of a casserole, and Zant agrees. He licks the cream of mushroom soup off his shoulder, which would be a lot easier if he possessed Ghirahim's tongue.

Speaking of Ghirahim, Zelda questions why Wizzro was chasing whom she still believes to be Fi, and Ghirahim rubs the blue make-up off his face. Now Zelda really feels like an idiot. Ghirahim fixes his hair as Ganondorf assures himself that Ghirahim is in fact Ghirahim.

"You were acting strange earlier, which is why I'm just making sure," Ganondorf explains. Volga inquires, "You are referring to earlier today when Zant and Ghirahim came and asked you what they were supposed to be doing?"

Ganondorf raises a suspicious eyebrow. "And you know that how?"

"Yeah, that was us," Wizzro blatantly admits. Volga removes his costume Zant helmet from a tote bag he has been carrying since removing his costume. At this point he believes the Gerudo king has a right to know. "I haven't seen Ganondorf from the point I left on this mission," Ghirahim confirms, further proving Wizzro's words to be correct.

It all becomes clear, and Ganondorf meets eyes with Cia. He isn't mad; he's just shocked. "Y-you sent these guys to spy on me at the same time I sent my men here?" he asks. Cia nods.

The irony is too much. Lana looks fondly upon this little misunderstanding. She starts to laugh. Like a contagious disease, one after the other the warriors in the room catch the giggles, laughing along with Lana. Everyone feels like an idiot, whether they were in a costume or fell for the disguises of the disguised. Every one of them was in one of these two situations with the exception of Marin. To be honest, she really has nothing to do with anything here and should probably make herself scarce.

There is just one loose end that Zelda intends to tie up. "So, if Ghirahim was Fi this whole time, where's Fi?"

Author's Notes- I loved writing this story/chapter. When explaining the plot to my little brother, he got confused as to who was where dressed as who. Point is, it was funny. I'm taking the feedback from my last author's note questions and considering things. Additionally, now I've got some new questions- Which warriors need the spotlight? Which warriors should interact with each other? Just to get some idea gears turning.


	4. Story 4

4\. You're a Young Man

The battlefield is no place for a growing boy. Young Link, known amongst his peers as the swag YL, is growing up so fast. He is from an era where it was okay to seal someone away with magic until they were old enough to save the world. With that being said, he was in a coma the first time he was supposed to experience this 'wonderful' time. With youth gifted back to him, he's going to grow up the right way.

This process is hard for not only the maturing child, but also everyone who considers themselves a guardian of that child. Following this spoiler of an intro is an example of how the warriors handle this fragile period on one's life.

…

Obviously, YL is dreadfully sick. He can no longer ignore this fact. But he needs to speak to someone who isn't going to make a big deal about this. He needs someone chill who will know what's going on and keep it between them.

Ascending the mountain, YL passes a very miffed Twilight Princess. He can feel his cheeks flush watching her rant to herself. If she was still while talking to herself, nothing would be wrong, but it's just the simple fact that she uses a lot of body language when she's upset. YL catches himself staring at her swaying hips. Further proof something is definitely wrong with him.

The argument frustration was mutual. Darunia methodically bashes his forehead against the rock wall. With a head as thick as steel, his brain is fine. It takes a mountain's worth of force to cause any kind of head injury to a Goron. His frustration venting is interrupted when YL approaches. The previous hero incarnation asks, "Can I talk with you, Darunia? I need some professional help."

Taking the time to talk to a fellow brother is never a bother. At this moment, it'll be a relief. Darunia replies, "I don't consider myself a professional at anything, but we'll see if there is anything I can do." With a large thud, the chieftain plops down on his rear and gets comfortable. He's ready to listen for a long time, but if YL wants him to get up, he's out of luck.

YL, too, sits down. Not unlike the current generation, his posture is poor. Perhaps it's best to start from the beginning. "I've been watching myself for a while, and I think I might be sick. Something's not right."

Darunia is listening intently. He gestures for YL to continue to explain.

Finding this next part hard to explain, YL removes his top. He's muscular for his age, but as you'd imagine, he's not nearly as ripped as Volga. Cia nearly fainted the day she got a glimpse of that beauty. "Hair is only supposed to grow on my head, so this worries me," he says while pointing to his first chest hair.

Darunia is no Hylian, but he certainly knows that this is no issue. He chuckles before patting the kid on the back. "Kiddo, congratulations!" YL is dreadfully confused. Darunia elaborates, "You've reached a coming-of-age monumental moment, Link. That's your first chest hair! My fingers are a little big, so just, give it a good tug for me." YL is still worried, but now he's less worried about himself and more worried about Darunia. He is hesitant, but eventually complies with Darunia's strange request. Only pain comes from yanking his singular chest hair. It stays firm in place.

"And it's a strong one, too!" Darunia excitedly expresses. A playful punch to the shoulder is in order. For the first time since this new discovery, YL smiles, but he is not done. He stops Darunia from getting up by saying "Yeah, ok, but I think I might be going insane, too."

"It started maybe… a week ago? Maybe a little before, but I only started noticing five days ago. We were in the middle of a battle. Linkle was defending something, and I just happened to be around when Tingle desperately called for help. I was just excited to be in action, so I didn't really care why we were attacking Linkle. But anyways, I was doing fine until I ran into the same keep Agitha was in. They say keep your eyes on your enemy, but I couldn't take my eyes off of her. I mean, Agitha is so weird, but not weird enough to stare at. Only Tetra is weird enough to stare at, like, with her hair. What is up with that?"

"So you were staring at Agitha. Why?" Darunia subtly tries to keep YL focused. YL shakes his head to focus. "Yeah, right," he continues. "I-I really don't know why I started staring at Agitha. It has never happened before. I suddenly didn't feel up to fighting anymore. My body just felt weird. I think I needed to pee or something."

This is worse than Darunia could have imagined. It's happening again, except this time with his beloved Link. Er, the other Link, the Link that his son was named after. Darunia has already seen signs of this awkward phase in his own son, but it is much easier to ignore or delay because of the severe lack of feminine Gorons. But sure enough, there are more than enough eligible Hylian women.

Darunia can't avoid this moment any longer; it is his turn to be the alpha male and educate the next generation of men. The maturing ladies are depending on Darunia and all fathers of their generation to assure that the young men they are destined to date are informed and prepared. The Goron Chief carefully considers how to explain this to YL. Rubbing the back of his head, he mutters, "Well, I guess you could say this is another coming-of-age moment."

The following silence doesn't exactly make YL feel any better. Darunia awkwardly laughs before saying, "My, aren't you growing up fast."

YL is through playing games. He stands up. "Ok, what's going on? What's wrong with me?" he menacingly demands explanation.

Darunia, too, stands up, though much slower than YL did. He places a hand behind YL to gently lead him out for a walk. YL allows this to happen, and before he knows it, he is taking a walk down the mountain with the Goron Chieftain.

YL gets lost in Darunia's speech as they take a stroll-

"This is the beginning of a new life chapter for you, son. When I call you 'son', I'm just saying that I'm the elder in this situation. I guess my point is don't go tell my kid that he's been replaced, because that's not the truth. But back to the point, I should have expected this when I saw that manly chest hair of yours."

"I hate to break it to you, but you might start looking at a lot of girls like you looked at Agitha that one battle. That is a strange force that develops within a man as he… well, becomes an adult man. You've probably heard of the term for this transformation. It's called puberty, and if I had to guess, puberty was the greatest time of Wizzro's life."

YL rests his face in his palm. He immediately regrets coming to Darunia about this. He'll know next time that Darunia is not who you need to see about problems. Darunia is still talking-

"I can't say I understand Hylian anatomy, so I can't be sure what changes your body will go through during this time. When you notice these body changes, don't panic. Unless it is an odd tissue growth, it's perfectly normal. If I had to guess, Impa won't know what's going on with your body either, so don't bother asking. It's more of what happens mentally that is universal amongst males. You could ask any of us from King Daphnes to Ganondorf, we'll feel you. We're here for moral support. The way you think will never be the same again, and it's really disconcerting. Did I mention that you'll need moral support because this time is strange and confusing? Don't keep your feelings and concerns hidden inside, or else you might end up emotionally unstable like Zant. Really, don't end up like Zant; we're supposed to be the emotionally stable shoulder for the girl to cry on."

YL's interest is renewed. Girls, he says?

"This is kind of a good place to explain why girls are involved. Right now, er, before that weird day with Agitha, girls were just strange living things who wear make-up and enjoy frivolous activities like tea parties. Well, as girls become women, they start to look interesting. I'm not saying their interests change; I'm saying their shape changes. This is new, and it intrigues us. Take… oh, Midna for example. Midna used to look like Agitha, and in the next few years, Agitha will look like Midna."

Instantaneously, disgust and horror in its purest form morph YL's face.

The chief realizes where he went wrong. "Ok, bad example! Better example, Agitha will one day look more like Zelda. You know, when she's an adult." YL is still scarred by the previous mental image he was given, but nonetheless, he thinks he understands what Darunia is trying to say.

"Anyways, as we age, we are able to look past the weird habits girls have, and we focus on what they present to us. We ask ourselves what they have to offer. Respect the women in your life, Link, because when they respect you back, life is so much easier. I know you're not interested in this now, but sooner or later having a family is going to be important to you. You'll desire to pass down your name and blood to someone of the next generation to live on after you. I don't know why Farore decided this, but women are necessary for this. The rest of this story is for another time, but it'll be time to finish this lesson faster than I would like. Overall, I've told you what you need to know; the gist of puberty, if you will. Any questions?"

Actually, yeah, YL has one; "So, is there anything I can do about it, or do I just have to sit back and let it do its thing?"

Darunia nods as they approach the bottom of the mountain. "You don't have to embrace puberty, but puberty will embrace you. Just go with the flow. It's all natural. And like I said, if you ever have any questions or just need some support during this process, let any of us older guys know. Skull Kid and Toon Link will be just as confused as you are, and Tingle probably won't be of any guidance either, but any of the rest of us will understand."

YL nods. Though kind of embarrassing, that talk was very educational. YL can put all of his worries to bed and let life happen as usual.

He has let Darunia lead him far enough. For the first time since they started walking, YL looks forward. His pupils dilate and his passion kicks in. "Heelloo, babe!" A startled Princess Ruto turns around.

That was definitely not supposed to happen! Darunia plucks YL by his collar and sets him down where he can't see Ruto unless he leans far to either side. Darunia scolds in a whisper, "What did I just say about respecting women?!"

Ruto seductively leans against Darunia's beefy arm. She says to YL, "If you were just a decade older, we could make this work."

"Ruto, you are not helping!" cries Darunia. It's one thing for the child to 'experiment' with verbal fervor, but it's unacceptable for the adult princess to encourage it!

YL was just following Darunia's advice to let puberty do its thing. Why is he getting a stern talking to now? Dang… this process is going to a battle in itself.

Author's Notes- When the warriors tackle human problems, things go awry every time. Sorry if this was too bizarre; I just thought it was a funny concept and took off with it. I thought this was an appropriate time for a villains break. I may have been wrong, though, so please let me know. Continue to tell me what warriors deserve the spotlight, or more of the spotlight. Which warriors need a chance to share the spotlight as a group, as well? Suggestions inspire me.


	5. Story 5

5\. And Nobody Gets Hurt

When Toon Link is injured in battle, Zelda makes an important decision amongst herself- the battlefield is no place for a child- and takes action.

Today the children, and Lana, are participating in an activity that is much less destructive than fighting. Zelda steps outside towards the castle gardens, stopping by the courtyard. King Daphnes offered to do something peaceful with the children today, and he faithfully observes the activities.

"What did you all decide to do today?" the princess asks as she approaches. Lana cheerfully replies, "Finger painting!" She lies on her stomach with a canvas on the ground in front of her. She is a little messy, but otherwise everything is great.

Joining Lana is Toon Link, with his arm in a cast, Young Link, Marin, Medli, Skull Kid, and Agitha. Tetra was with them, but she got so bored that she aimlessly wandered off. Now she is lost in the castle garden maze, but nobody will ever find her. Each of the young artists is finding joy in either creating a masterpiece or a mess.

Toon Link shows his finishing product to Zelda. She nods with a smile like an approving kindergartener teacher. "This is lovely, Toon Link. I didn't know you liked the color purple so much."

"It's Wizzro," exclaims Toon Link proudly. That explains his image of a simplistic blob of purple in the middle of a gray background. King Daphnes offers Toon Link a clean canvas to create something else, and Toon Link eagerly accepts it.

Zelda thinks philosophically about Toon Link's art. First she analyzes the simplicity of the art in an attempt to understand what this image says about Wizzro in the eyes of Toon Link. Then Zelda realizes that it isn't about Toon Link's art; it's about the environment these kids are living in.

She examines the art of the others. Agitha's painting of a butterfly is exquisite. But the butterfly is only the foreground. In the background there is what appears to be a blurred image of Midna alongside several Darknuts. Considering the quality of Agitha's butterfly, Zelda can't decide whether her image of Midna was purposely blurred to show her as out-of-focus, or if Agitha messed up and tried to blur out the mistake to try again. Zelda would understand the latter situation; Midna isn't exactly easy to draw.

Moving on, Skull Kid painted… something? The canvas is mostly just red. Zelda watches intently as Skull Kid continues painting, unaware of the princess's presence. Skull Kid is uncharacteristically very solemn as he creates, which is very unnerving to Zelda. An overwhelming sense of emotion takes Zelda by the neck as a small, stick-like figure is placed in the middle of the red. This figure has an expression of fear. Zelda chooses to move on before she unknowingly tries to decipher the meaning of Skull Kid's unsettling painting.

Marin and Medli have drawn some nicer images. Marin's passion for seagulls has inspired her picture of the inhabited sky. Medli, though similar in topic, chooses to illustrate a self-portrait under the ocean, a realm mostly unknown to this bird-like descendant of the Zoras. A breath of happiness soothes Princess Zelda over this. She continues to view these artists in action.

Slowly, a pattern starts to reveal itself to Zelda. Looming above Marin's happy seagull, another bird is impaled in the chest. Sure, the arrow missed Marin's primary seagull, but that doesn't make the untimely demise of Marin's other imaginary seagull any better. Medli's ocean isn't any better, as Medli's ocean is filled with angry, bloodthirsty marine life. The only reason Medli Drawing is safe is the bubble of air around her.

Zelda turns to face King Daphnes. "I'm sensing a pattern here," she deduces, catching the king's intrigue. "It might be wise to step away from war for a little while."

…

"You want us to do what?"

Ganondorf, Zant, and Ghirahim stand before the princess in the foyer. Zelda doesn't reply to Ganondorf, and instead stands before Ghirahim. She holds out her hand like a teacher confiscating a student's phone. The demon lord is stumped; what in the world does she want? Hesitantly, Ghirahim gives Zelda a high-five. Zelda is not appeased. "Your sword, Ghirahim."

Ghirahim steps back. "UH, no! Why would I surrender my sword to you? What do you want with it?" Zelda gives up and moves to the taller of Ganondorf's two minions. She politely asks, "Can you relinquish your scythes?"

"First of all, they're scimitars, ma'am," Zant replies. "And why?"

The princess cryptically answers, "It will make more sense after I take all of your weapons." That's when Ganondorf and Ghirahim take several steps away from Zelda. Zant holds his hands behind his back, determined to not summon his precious scimitars. Zelda turns on her charm with a "Please?"

Ganondorf saves the day by announcing, "This is a waste of our time, men. Let's go." Zant gives a silent sigh of relief. Like magic, the grand castle doors open as Ganondorf approaches them. His minions follow closely behind; the hero who saved them from being stripped of their weapons.

Zelda sighs in sorrow, her efforts in vain. Impa watched from behind the entire time. She encourages, "It was wise to try and ask them first. It would be nice if the easy way worked all the time." Zelda nods. How will she get anyone to drop their weapons in favor of something less violent?

Impa decides to be the leader; an example, if you will. She is the first to relinquish her weapons. Not long before Zelda summoned Ganondorf to the castle, Impa was instructed to bring a large, empty trunk to the foyer. Impa did so, and Zelda provided an explanation. That trunk is to safely store away the deadly arms the warriors utilize on the battlefield until the children return to a peaceful mindset. That trunk could hold the weapons for a day or a year; Zelda is determined to fix what has been broken.

The princess is pleased. She verbally shows gratitude to her army general. But they are not done here. Zelda calls her allies to the castle to do the same. Linkle and the children are unable to attend this meeting, but much to Zelda's surprise, Cia convinced Volga and Wizzro to attend. Zelda explains to her guests the nature of the situation, starting with Toon Link's injury up to this point. Then, she announces what she wants them to do; "Please, place your weapons in the trunk."

The warriors are aghast. Darunia understands Zelda's point, and is willing to give up his hammer if it means better for the kids, but there is no way his hammer will fit in that trunk. Just to be funny, and to turn this fact to Zelda's attention, Darunia places his hammer in the trunk.

The Goron Chieftain steps back, only to gasp as his hammer is swallowed by the trunk. Midna saw the whole thing and goes "wwhhaaaa?" Darunia worriedly examines the trunk, going so far as to pick it up and look inside from below. That wasn't a wise decision on his part, as the hammer spills from the magical chest and lands on Darunia's face. Ruto, Midna, and Wizzro find this outrageously funny. Tingle's mind is blown.

"I placed a little enchantment on the trunk," Zelda explains as she helps Darunia to his feet. "Kind of like Midna's ability to make things disappear and reappear at will, this trunk has more space inside of it than you'd think. It'll keep your stuff safe, and if you reach in wanting something specific, you'll grab it."

"Impressive," Cia compliments. She didn't expect this from Zelda. Darunia returns his hammer to the trunk. Lana, also in favor of Zelda's cause, surrenders her weapons to the chest.

Before anyone else follows in Lana and Darunia's example, Midna points out, "If our weapons, per se, aren't tangible, then what do we do?"

Lana looks at Midna and says, "Easy, just don't use your magic."

"Yeah, that sounds simple in theory, but some of us _live_ off magic, you know," comments the wizard in the room. He feels mocked when Lana skips over to him and tells him he can do it if he tries.

Meanwhile, Midna sighs, "Fine, I'm keeping the Fused Shadows, but I won't use it. Summoning wolves and my hair are included. I'm not going to walk everywhere I go, though." Zelda nods and says, "I'm just asking that everyone with magic doesn't use it for battle purposes. If you want to go back to the Twilight, fine. If you want to reverse time, fine. If you want to make toast with a snap of your finger, fine. Just don't hurt anybody."

As Cia places her scepter in the chest, she tells Zelda, "Good luck getting Ganondorf to go along with this. Even if you get his swords and trident, you'll never stop him from punching the tar out of someone."

Proxi giggles, moving to Zelda's side. "We have ways of… occupying Ganondorf." Cia is officially scared.

…

Zelda makes a quick trip around Hyrule to collect the weapons of everyone that wasn't at Hyrule Castle earlier. The last stop on her list is Linkle's village. There, Linkle manages her cuccos. The cuccos seem a little riled up.

The cucco farmer gives a pleasant greeting to her unexpected guests, Zelda and Darunia, who tagged along carrying the heavy trunk of weapons. Zelda greets Linkle, and then gets to the point, "We're trying to temporarily confiscate everyone's weapons for the good of the kids. I think the constant violence is damaging their psyche."

Zelda's conversation didn't go unheard. "Nah, the constant violence isn't hurting anybody," Skull Kid ensures. He sits on the roof above the group. Noticeably, Majora's Mask is absent. "On the contrary, Skull Kid, isn't someone always getting hurt?" Darunia contradicts. Skull Kid doesn't seem interested in anything that opposes what he has to say.

Linkle has to think about it before she places her crossbows in the chest. "I want those back eventually." Zelda assures that Linkle will see her crossbows again in hopefully the near future, where everything is right in the world.

A hodgepodge of clucking can be heard in the near distance. "Aw, the guys must be back," Linkle concludes. She opens the gate to the cucco pen, expecting whatever she is expecting. Zelda wasn't expecting what she witnesses next, though Darunia can honestly say he isn't surprised. In a collaborative effort, Zant and Ghirahim are herding stray brown cuccos back to Linkle's coop. Considering the cuccos aren't attacking them Zelda can assume that they are humanely herding the birds.

An awkward silence follows as Linkle closes the gate on the recaptured cuccos. Then Linkle realizes that Zelda and Darunia have no idea what's going on. She says, "Oh! The cuccos got out when Skull Kid opened the gate, in case you were wondering." She looks at Skull Kid, who shrugs and defends himself by saying he was just showing the cuccos to Ganondorf's minions.

Zelda proceeds to ask why those two decided to help herd the cuccos back. Ghirahim's mysterious reply is "These two are… rather persuasive." Zant looks up at Skull Kid. Majora has reclaimed its puppet, giving a quiet yet devious chuckle.

Seizing the opportunity, Darunia gets Zelda's attention and refers to the weapons trunk. Zelda gets it and turns to Ganondorf's minions. "Guys," she says. "Might as well do this now. I wanted your guys' weapons earlier because I fear our wars are hurting the children." Zant crosses his arms and nods, saying, "Well, it is war. The likelihood of losing a limb is high."

"She means in the head, Zant," Darunia elaborates. Ghirahim goes "ah", following with "You're worried that battle is tainting their souls; that they might live in paranoia the rest of their lives."

Zelda nods and solemnly says, "This is serious, guys. It is one thing to be tough, but even some of my soldiers who were trained for war won't ever be the same again. I don't want Tetra, or Toon Link, or even Agitha to live the rest of their lives scarred by our need for violence." Darunia raises his hand and admits that he'd rather take a nap than fight any day, but that's out of the question.

In a bold decision, Zant reveals his scimitars. After all, as long as he's got magic, Zelda can't completely take away his ability to wreak havoc. The trunk is opened, and Zant deposits his blades. He is fixated when they sink into the abyss of the chest like a person in quick sand. Ghirahim, as stubborn as ever, challenges Zelda by asking, "And how do you expect to stop us from materializing other weapons?"

"I'm trusting that by putting your weapons away, you are devoting yourself to actually trying to sacrifice fighting, at least until Medli and Marin stop drawing scary pictures," Zelda explains. Ghirahim wonders if that is some sort of metaphor that he doesn't understand. In a sigh of submission, Ghirahim materializes his demon sword and lets it sink into the trunk.

That was easier than Zelda thought it would be. Following up, Linkle looks at Skull Kid. She says, "Hey, to help the cause, how about you let go of your ocarina."

Skull Kid shakes his head and explains, "The ocarina isn't what's hurting people; it's what I can make _happen_ with it that does damage." "Case and point; no ocarina, nobody gets hurt," Linkle rebuttals. There is no arguing out of this one for a win. Linkle is right. "Fine," Skull Kid pouts. "But I'm keeping my trumpet and Majora." He tosses down his ocarina to Linkle, and down it goes into the trunk. Majora found Skull Kid's latest statement funny, as it will decide what it does; not Skull Kid.

Darunia nods and closes the trunk, as it has no more use here. He confirms, "That just leaves Ganondorf." Zant and Ghirahim laugh amongst themselves. There is no way Ganondorf will ever agree to stop fighting. He won't give a crap either about the well-being of the kids; he only cares about the well-being of his own minions because they serve as vassals in war.

Zelda smiles. "I asked Cia and her guys to handicap Ganondorf's magic, as well as his body," she blissfully reveals. This startles Ganondorf's minions. Zant utters, "Wait, what?" Zelda ignores him and continues, "So all I need is one little favor from you two. You guys wouldn't be able to snatch Ganondorf's trident and swords, would you?" Ghirahim promises that taking Ganondorf's tools of destruction will be an easy task for him, so Zelda entrusts him with that mission; grab 'em and take 'em to the trunk.

…

Back at HQ, Zant prays to Hylia that Ganondorf doesn't notice what's missing. His heart skips a beat when a tickled Ghirahim returns in a display of diamonds. In a manner similar to Skull Kid, Ghirahim proudly declares, "And it is done. Princess Zelda has possession of our Lord Ganondorf's swords and trident. I didn't think a reward was in order, but the princess surprised me."

"A reward?" What the demon lord said has Zant curious. He hasn't seen Ghirahim this jumpy and smiley since one of Agitha's beetles got stuck between his toes. Zant continues to interrogate, "And what was this reward?"

Zant doesn't have time to question the sealed-lipped demon again, because a rampaging Ganondorf enters the room. Immediately the men understand what Zelda was referring to when she said they handicapped Ganondorf. A pair of extra fluffy pillows cuffs Ganondorf's monstrous hands, and a gelatin-like substance coats each of Ganondorf's shoes.

"What is this ****?!" curses the Gerudo King in outrageous fury. A wave of terror washes over the Usurper King, every part of him going stiff like a statue. Ghirahim continues to smile, lost in his own little world. Ganondorf observes their behavior; Ghirahim smirking, Zant frozen, this can only mean one thing. Ganondorf bellows, "What is the meaning of this, Zant?!" "It wasn't m-me, it was Zelda," stutters Zant, his voice cracking at the end of his sentence. In hopes of protecting his dignity and his face, Zant puts his helmet on. He let it retract so he could pray, and forgot to put it back up when Ghirahim returned.

With a large poof, Ganondorf sends his pillow fist into Zant's gut, sending his minion flying across the room. Confusingly, Zant discovers that the only part of that process that hurt was hitting the wall. Ganondorf examines the situation in silence before admitting, "That was strangely satisfying."

"Would you like to hit Ghirahim, too, my lord?" Zant suggests. "With pleasure," replies his master. Ghirahim instantly stops smiling. He takes a gelatinous kick to the face, unharmed. This miraculous discovery overwhelms both of Ganondorf's minions with a child-like playfulness. They decide amongst themselves to see the woman responsible for this in hopes of further expanding this discovery. Ganondorf follows discretely.

…

"Here," Lana says as she encases Wizzro's mummified hands in pillows. "Now you can't accidentally scratch someone." She has already baby-proofed Volga with a little bit of magic, and she is now doing the same with the other. Obviously, he is not pleased. Cia finds this amusing.

"Lana! Cia!" call two familiar voices from a nearby distance. Intrigued, the Guardians of Time move to stand at the top of the staircase. Coming from two opposite directions, Zant and Ghirahim enter the valley.

Cia is first to see who's calling. "It's Ghirahim."

"And Zant," Lana adds, looking in the opposite direction. Of course they would show up when Wizzro was handcuffed by pillows. He grumbles, "What do they want?" He is startled, but amused when Volga lets out a nasty belch, smoke acting as the fumes.

"That was disgusting," chastises Cia, looking at her minions over her shoulder. She doesn't notice the oncoming men teleport while looking back, so when she looks at the stairs nobody is there. Lana turns around, Ganondorf's minions there. Cia follows closely after. "Didn't feel like taking the stairs?"

Zant groans before claiming, "I'm getting old, Cia. My hip did something weird last time I used the stairs." Ghirahim brushes off the small talk before getting straight to the point. He explains, "We saw your work on our lord. Furthermore, we _felt_ your work." And Zant adds, "Compared to usual, it was a pleasurable experience!"

Lana disapproves of this. "No! Those pillows are supposed to stop Ganondorf from trying to punch people!"

Cia places a calm hand on her other half's shoulder and says, "There is nothing we can do to stop Ganondorf from acting violently, so instead we made his violence harmless. That is a step in the right direction, Lana." Lana is less upset, but not completely fine either.

"That's not entirely true," comments Wizzro, grabbing the attention of everyone. "We could _kill_ Ganondorf. That will stop Ganondorf from acting violently. Whee hee hee!" Lana sighs, resting her forehead on her fist. There is no helping that wizard.

Ignoring her former minion entirely, Cia questions, "So why are you two here?" They reply together, "Can we have some pillows, too?" Cia is not amused. She shows this by criticizing, "You are not babies who need to be pacified. Act your age."

Ghirahim doesn't miss a beat. "Suppose we were infants, I can see your wizard has been baby-proofed." You mess with chemicals, you get a reaction. A peeved Wizzro summons a large piranha cyclops in hopes of mauling the demon lord to death. Cia threatens, "Don't give me a reason to pacify _you_." Message received. Wizzro shoves his monster back into the puddle it came from before holding his hands behind his back with a cheesy grin. Volga is constantly embarrassed by this wizard, and this moment is no exception.

Excited to change the world for the better, Lana outfits Ghirahim and Zant with fluffy pillows. The duo is ecstatic to be able to push each other around without fear of punishment. For clarification, the rule at Ganondorf's place is if you hurt the other minion, you get hurt equally. This rule was set in place so the demon lord and usurper king wouldn't turn on each other in battle. Thus far, this rule has done its job, and the only times the men physically fight each other is when they are affiliated with opposing forces, for example, when Ghirahim turns traitorous against Ganondorf in favor of Cia's forces.

Cia shakes her head and looks at Lana. "Lana, simply preventing injuries doesn't solve the violence problem." Lana only heard the first part of Cia's argument because Ghirahim stumbled into her after being pushed by Zant. Irritated, Cia orders Volga to patrol a line that Ganondorf's minions can't cross while she is trying to speak with Lana.

Moving to the side, Lana confirms, "I heard you, Cia," She presents her argument. "You just said earlier that we can't change their mindset, so we're doing the best we can by making violence… less violent, I guess. I gave these two pillows because they asked for them. They basically asked to be made harmless. That's a step in the right direction if you ask me!" Lana is excited, and Cia can visible see that.

"There is something wrong with you," bluntly states Wizzro. "Something terribly, terribly wrong with you."

…

"Lana, I appreciate what you were thinking, but from a sane point of view, this is messed up."

Lana stands before the princess, behind her almost the entirety of the warriors. Every warrior behind Lana has acquired pillows for hands and gelatin for feet. Fi has pillows on the end of her wings, since she lacks hands. Midna is wearing a hair net as well as pillows. Volga was here, but he excused himself due to gastrointestinal distress. That spell Lana placed on him solved one problem but created a worse problem. Zelda approves of less violence, but everyone looks ridiculous with pillows for hands. The only reason she asked for Ganondorf's hands to be encased in pillows was because she knew that he'd try to punch people.

The princess ignores Lana's sorrow in favor of a different query. "Lana," she asks. "Where is Cia?"

Meanwhile, at the Valley of Seers, Cia is being bombarded by pillowed fists of fury. Taking a pillow to the face, Cia collapses. The aggressor is none other than Ganondorf. After following his minions there, he learned from the shadows that his new pillow hands are courtesy of her.

Zelda, followed by Lana and the entirety of the warriors, enter the valley to witness Ganondorf's rage. Lana is quick to Cia's aid. Without an explanation, Ganondorf swings his fluffy fist at Zelda; a direct hit. Zelda has no words for what just happened, the air knocked out of her.

The twilight princess didn't appreciate that at all. She takes it upon herself kick Ganondorf in the face. This does little to nothing, however. Lana's pillows and feet gelatin were designed to soften blows.

Toon Link gasps, a broad smile on his face. He declares, "Pillow fight!" Like lemmings, the boys under age sixteen take to Midna and Ganondorf with their pillowed fists. Much to Zelda's dismay, Link joins them shortly after, sending Midna to the ground. In a display of power, Darunia launches Ganondorf across the room. Twenty minutes in, and the only two not participating in this epic pillow fight are Zelda herself and King Daphnes. Yes, even Fi and Impa found motives to join the fight.

Zelda finds a quiet spot to herself, and weeps. A presence is sensed nearby, so Zelda explains, "I just wanted peace for the children. I thought maybe I could convince everyone that fighting wasn't the answer, for the sake of all of us. The war is over, so why are we still fighting?"

"Because it's in our bones."

Zelda gasps. That was not the voice she expected. Opposed to King Daphnes' soft, fatherly voice, the voice is deep, booming, and strong; the voice of a dragon. The princess jumps to her feet so fast that she almost falls over. Amidst the chaos, Zelda forgot about Volga.

Apparently he found everyone after being left behind at Hyrule Castle. "Volga! I'm so sorry! We noticed Cia wasn't with us, so we came here. I forgot you were- I'm so sorry!" To calm the princess, Volga holds up a hand. He isn't upset, or, at least, not upset because he was left at the castle.

Besides the battle cries of their fellow warriors, the valley is quiet. Zelda looks into the void where the dragon knight's eyes are supposedly. Slowly, as not to startle her, Volga takes a breath to speak. He says, "Perhaps physical combat is not the only solution, but it's a path we've all chosen. Yes, a hazardous path, but-," the knight is interrupted by what he recognizes as Wizzro's appalling laugh.

"Shut up, Wizzro!" bellows Volga, shaking the ground with just his voice. This is followed by a small burp, which he covers. Puffs of fire slip between his fingers. "My apologizes, princess. Lana's spell was supposed to suppress the fire within me. It has only stirred."

Flaming burps lighten the mood for a split second, but they don't solve all the world's problems. Zelda is somber once more, her head dropping. Slowly, her chin rises during Volga's speech, as follows: "Conflicts come in many forms, all of them stemming from a problem. The way we choose to solve those problems define who we are. We are not debaters. We are not academics or scientists. We are warriors. Up there, the men, women, and children with pillows, are all warriors. That is how we choose to solve our problems, Zelda."

"But…" Zelda quietly and timidly makes a rebuttal. "That's not healthy." Volga releases a hardy laugh. Despite its extreme power, it is a genuine chuckle of someone who is amused. He follows by contradicting her statement, saying "Not healthy? Concealed rage is far more dangerous than anything we see on the battlefield. We fight each other so we don't have to fight ourselves!"

Zelda has to think about this. Which is more damaging, internal or external conflict? Her thoughts are once again interrupted as Volga places a hand on her shoulder. "If it means anything, I love what you've done with everyone's' hands. The pillows make a satisfying sound when smacked against someone," Volga adds, a playful side he didn't know he had emerging.

"Actually, the pillows were Lana's idea," admits Hyrule's princess. The mood is successfully lightened, and by a dragon of all creatures. Neither of them are the hugging type, so a nod of understanding acts as an appropriate conversation end. But they can't call it a day just yet; a pillow fight is afoot.

Upper cuts, wind-ups, and fists straight to the face occur in rapid succession at the peak of the valley. A pillow punch from Toon Link isn't nearly as affective as a pillow punch from Darunia, so the fight isn't exactly fair. The only universal thing in this fight is the fun that the warriors are having. Ruto feels amazing pushing Zant around with just the strength of her arms. Skull Kid and Medli have ganged up on Tingle. He would try to fly away if he had his balloon, but Zelda took that because that was considered a weapon. It doesn't occur to him that even if he had his balloon, flying wouldn't do much good since Medli can fly, too. To Darunia's surprise, he and Ganondorf are evenly matched in strength, their pillows creating somewhat of a shockwave when bashed together at fully power. Midna impresses herself with her reaction time, swiftly dodging every kick from Fi. Unfortunately, she backs up into Ghirahim.

The chaos is real and in action. Linkle and Lana notice Zelda and Volga's approach. Zelda is appalled. "K-King Daphnes!" In her absence the last sane warrior has fallen into the mosh pit and is contributing to the madness. Linkle and Lana cheerily greet Zelda, readying their pillows.

With a gasp, Zelda covers her head in an attempt to shield herself from Linkle and Lana's pillows. Volga, like a ninja, moves his arm between Zelda and her assaulters. As stoic as ever, he states, "That was uncivilized, Linkle. The princess is unarmed." Lana can feel her cheeks flush. Linkle knows Volga is right, but sheesh, they were just having fun.

An airborne pillow hits the side of Volga's head. Volga doesn't flinch. He looks at his aggressor, who at the moment just happens to be that nasty spirit he lives with. The twisted wizard scolds, "Lighten up, Volga! You always ruin the mood." Volga shrugs; if that's how his roommate wants to play, he'll oblige. The dragon knight swiftly and suddenly snatches up the pillow at his feet and hurls it at Wizzro. It is a direct hit, and the wizard collapses. Linkle and Lana think this is the funniest thing.

To sum it up, this pillow fight lasts so long that describing every detail is impossible. The warriors don't stop until the last of them collapses from exhaustion. When they awake, a true memory of bonding is created, in some of them, at least. Nobody was seriously injured from the extreme pillow fight. The Links, however, all become stimulated each time they see a pillow, so sleeping from this point on is a tedious task.

For a satisfying ending, Zelda does see an improvement in the psyche of the children. Sure, Zelda is a little concerned about Medli's new lust for destruction, but Impa wisely advises Zelda to worry about one thing at time. The princess keeps her promise, and the warriors receive their weapons back. Everyone except Ganondorf, that is. For the time being, he's got pillows!

Author's Notes- I was hesitant about posting this one because it puts a playful spin on a very real issue. Like Zelda said- "…but even some of my soldiers who were trained for war won't ever be the same again." Bloody war can destroy someone's psyche, and I respect any veteran who has stepped onto the battlefield. Warriors Uncut is all in good fun, so it's not meant to be taken seriously. Here in the after-notes is where I'm serious and where I give a shout out to real-world veterans.  
(Back to WU notes) Bad news! My uploading schedule that was never official won't be regular! I hope to start uploading a new chapter for this every Saturday, but I can't make any promises. Sorry about that… On the bright side, the more time between uploads I have, the more inspiration I can accumulate. Suggest a scenario for specific warriors; chances are they have a story to tell about that. Interactions between warriors, ridiculous battle scenarios, conflicts off the battlefield, suggest anything! Yay!


	6. Story 6

6\. The Last Thing They Expected

Nothing surprises Cia. As if she can see the future, (which to a limited extent, she can), she doesn't react appropriately to things that should cause one surprise. Her surprise birthday party was a bust because she wasn't surprised. She didn't even flinch when watching Volga eat a rabbit whole. She seemingly wasn't intrigued to learn that Wizzro actually has a body hidden within the robes. Like what was written before- nothing surprises Cia.

Everything above is exactly why this instant will go down in history. Cia gawks at the light driven from her heart. "You, of all people, learned mind control?"

Lana shrugs, nervously rubbing her hand up and down a special scepter made for her. The one she possesses doesn't work as a whip like Cia's, but it suffices as a walking stick. To be honest, she's still working on it. She hasn't nearly mastered mind control; she just discovered it was _possible_ for her to learn it yesterday.

Legitimately impressed, Cia laughs and says, "Well I'll be darned. I never would have guessed I had it in me!" Lana will take that as a compliment. They are the same person, after all.

Cia stops smiling. Let's get real, here. "But seriously, if you're going to continue mastering it, wait until you're certain what you want to happen will happen. At this point, you've only messed up once. You convinced Wizzro that he's pregnant. We don't want to mess up anybody else."

"Are you suggesting he wasn't messed up to begin with?"

Well, Lana's got her there. "Ok," Cia admits. "We don't want to make things worse. You made a point with that last statement, but that's not the issue."

Lana asks, "We shouldn't fix Wizzro?"

Cia shakes her head, annoyed now. "There's no fixing him, whether he thinks labor is on the way or not." And to that, Lana nods.

* * *

The Hylian soldiers live and work as a community, kind of like living on the college campus. This creates a special bond amongst the men, on and off the battlefield. Unfortunately, Link is a part of this community. And frankly, nobody knows how to properly wash cotton tunics!

A real shrinkage scenario, Link's shirt and tunic have both shrunk after one of the many soldiers was tasked with washing and drying the clothes. His tunic might fit on Toon Link now, but not adult Link.

Well that sucks, mostly because Link was tasked with visiting Gerudo Desert, and now that he doesn't have any shirts, he'll get sunburned something terrible. That's just fantastic.

Later, upon arriving at the desert, Link discovers Cia's minions. Or, well, her former minions, but they still work alongside her sometimes. Without attracting their attention, Link moves on.

What's more frightening is Link catches up with Cia. He won't know this until she reaches her destination, but she means to speak with the Great Ganondorf himself. These matters are strictly business.

Link is promised something interesting when he stalks the sorceress like Midna stalks him from is shadow. (This is unrelated, but he's only found Zant in his shadow once, and the dude traveled across the shade to speak with Link about a life-or-death situation, otherwise he wouldn't have gone through the trouble. But I digress.)

Cia stands before Ganondorf at the Sacred Grounds, confident and poised. Her fingers gently caress the handle of her scepter. All the while she grins at him. The King of Evil doesn't look so flirtatious, standing stiff, tall, and stern. His arms are down to his sides, and he doesn't lose eye contact with the dark sorceress.

"You wished to propose a deal?"

She sighs. "Yes. Yes I have."

Link listens intently. His interest is peaked, like Skull Kid after catching someone mention a present for him.

Cia pauses, as that is polite to do before proposing anything. Ganondorf says nothing during this pause, so Cia can now make her proposal. She begins with a little backstory; "I'm sure you remember sending a little scout to the Eldin Caves, only to have them return without the cookies."

Link is over there like "what?"

Ganondorf's eyes narrow. "First of all, I coach two very tall boy scouts, not girl scouts. And secondly, if I did coach girl scouts, I would want them to return without cookies. That means they sold them. …Or ate them," he corrects.

"Or those poor girls were hijacked, but that metaphor was a bust anyways," Cia says to wipe the board clean. She starts over, stating, "Long story short, you sent Ghirahim to seize the Eldin Caves single-handedly and he got his pale tooshie whipped by me."

"Hm… He failed to mention that."

Cia chuckles. "I'm personally patrolling those caves. That simply means that you aren't taking them, or you're going to have a heck of a hard time doing so."

"Why?" Ganondorf pokes his fat nose into this situation. Cia is speechless. How does she answer that? She mutters, "I'm… sticking around to assist when someone gives birth."

Now Ganondorf is very confused (and so is Link, more than he was before). Perhaps she was being facetious and would just rather not say. Ganondorf ignores her last statement and forgets he asked. Then he proceeds to say, "That must be the subject of this deal you wish to establish with me."

Once again, the sorceress chuckles deviously. "How perceptive of you," she sings. "You can try and take the caves from Volga and Wizzro and I'll stay out of it, but only if I can have your headquarters."

That sounds rather unfair! The king grunts and snarls, "Why should I have to fight for the caves while you just take my HQ?"

Cia isn't amused. This was exactly the reason she brought the dragon knight along. (She didn't ask Wizzro to come; he just came to get on her nerves.) "Very well then, you make a valid point. We'll just be forced to fight for territory like wild animals. I win, and I'm taking your home." She smiles sneakily. "And if you lose, I'll leave you to fight for the caves in peace."

Ganondorf caught that little trick. He calls it out by simply asking, "And what do I get if I actually _win_? That ring of yours?" And no, he's not referring the jewelry she's wearing.

Cia roars with laughter, then ceases in the blink of an eye, her tone deadly serious. "He's not mine to sell. You'll have to take that up with him; you should strike a private bargain between you two, because I want no part of that filthy contract." Ganondorf found her hateful remark amusing. He says, "Seriously this time, my victory assures I retain possession of my HQ, and that you don't under any circumstances interfere as I seize the Eldin Caves."

She is discontent with that compromise, but what choice does she have? A dissatisfying deal is sealed when the villain and the anti-villain shake hands. If she had a cape, it would whip through the air when she turns around fiercely.

Link doesn't abandon his hideout to exit behind Cia. Instead he contemplates a loophole that Ganondorf may have missed. If he losses to Cia, not only does she take his headquarters, but she could still guard the Eldin Caves, as there was nothing in the agreement to prevent her from doing so long as she was victorious.

The hero has a choice to make; he can walk away, or he can choose a side based on what he saw.

* * *

A doubtful Skull Kid gets a kick out of Lana. "Ha! There's no way you can make me do anything!"

Lana has summoned Skull Kid and Medli to practice her mind control. She grins at Skull Kid and says, "No, really! I think I've got this in the bag."

"Then take it out of the bag and let me see. Prove yourself!" Skull Kid declares. Medli is amused.

She double-checks her spell book before closing it and tossing it over her shoulder. Finally, with the sole power of her mind, Lana attempts to influence the two young warriors facing her. Lana closes her eyes to concentrate.

The universe responds, and a suspicious aura surrounds Lana's test subjects. When the sorceress opens her eyes again, neither child seems responsive. Lana is confused. "Hey!" she calls, snapping in Skull Kid's face.

Medli clucks, and Lana flinches. She has successfully brainwashed them into behaving like cuccos, proven when Medli bends from her hip to peck the ground with her beak. Skull Kid acts similarly, but not on his own free will.

Lana sighs in disappointment and says, "Maybe we should try this again from stage one."

* * *

The first location Ganondorf searches for his men is the lounge room, and sure enough, they are goofing around there. Since that is the designated room for shenanigans, Ganondorf doesn't mind. However, instead of lounging, Zant is defending his title as the 'Twister King'.

Ghirahim scrambles to his feet, infuriated from losing for the thirty-second time. He faces his lord. "My lord, he must be cheating! There is no possible way he can win thirty-two times in a row!" he hysterically accuses.

Zant stands, haughtily adjusting his hem. He then asks, "Ghirahim, how could anyone cheat at Twister?"

"You. Are. Cheating."

Ganondorf finds this amusing. He looks across the room to meet eyes with the third participant. The player currently spinning the spinner is Zant's companion fairy, Astnojy. To this day, Ganondorf can't unscramble the letters to her name; Zant's clue to the origin of the name was that it's an anagram of another name. She is a darkness fairy with bangs that cover her eyes completely. Strangely, her hair is cherry red and her pale skin has a few interesting birthmarks. This might be the reason that Zant chose to adopt this fairy, as opposed to all of the other fairies he and Ghirahim have freed in battle. Astnojy prefers to be referred to as Countess, so Ganondorf respects her wishes. He asks, "Countess Astnojy, do you agree with Ghirahim?"

Astnojy shrugs as an expression of indifference. In all honesty she never looked at the game's players, but rather just flicked the spinner and called out the result. Ghirahim throws a hissy fit.

"You two need to grab your weapons and station yourselves at the Sacred Grounds now," Ganondorf announces over the commotion coming from Ghirahim.

Instantly, Ganondorf is given their full attentions. The room is silent within a second after his sentence. Ghirahim smiles and prepares to teleport. Ganondorf catches him by saying, "Not to be confused with the Sealed Grounds, Ghirahim." Ghirahim's shoulders slump.

Zant is barely able to audibly communicate, "B-but why?" He is so confused right now, if stuttering didn't already give that away.

Ganondorf begins to exit the room before turning to his minions and answering, "You need only know that defeat is not an option." Without any further questions, Zant and Ghirahim obey.

 _Literally minutes later_

Lord Ganondorf, armed with his trident, is the last to the Sacred Grounds. He grins with the pleasure of knowing the unbearable heat will play a part in this little skirmish. It's already getting to Zant. A sweaty Twili should make this battle interesting.

Taking the role as commander of his forces, Ganondorf plots a stratagem. He orders that Zant claim vital keeps in the east, as this will hinder any of Cia's forces that attempt to pass through the east to reach their destination of Ganondorf's base. Zant follows as instructed without hesitation.

Now Ganondorf has a choice. He makes his decision faster than I can write out his options. He turns to Ghirahim and says, "I will cripple them as swiftly as I can. Backing Cia into a corner shouldn't be a challenge."

"Cia?" This is the first Ghirahim has heard of their opponent.

"You are the last line of defense, Ghirahim. Fail, and I promise you won't like the outcome," warns Ghirahim's current master. The master passes him with a mission. Not facing Lord Ganondorf, Ghirahim asks, "Is that a wise strategy, my lord? Rest assured that I do not doubt my abilities. However, if this battle is largely determined by defense, I'd recommend sending me to the field whilst you stay for the strongest defense possible."

Ganondorf shakes his head. "You need to stay here. Sending you to the field would risk you crossing Cia's path. We wouldn't want you two flirting again, would we?" the master teasingly explains, making an inside reference to the sorceress's retelling of the demon lord's encounter with her at the caves. He disappears in a veil of black magic before Ghirahim can whip around and holler "what?!"

The commander quickly catches up with his minion. "Zant, exactly why is he an obstacle?" asks Ganondorf, stopping behind Zant, who has stopped a keep across from Link.

"My lord," Zant answers. "He has offered us his assistance." Ganondorf honestly wasn't expecting that or Link to nod in conformation. Zant asks, "How should we respond?"

Truly at a standstill, Ganondorf shrugs. Examining the situation concludes that any help would be much appreciated. Finally, Ganondorf says to Link, "If you are sincere, you will accompany Zant until I instruct you otherwise." He looks at Zant, directing his next question to that minion; "Do you have eyes in the sky?"

Astnojy didn't care to come on her own, and Zant didn't have time to convince her otherwise, so he is companionless. But never fear, because Link's faithful companion Proxi is readily supporting Link and willing to help. She takes to the sky as an overhead watch.

Link smiles as Proxi leaves him alone for the first time in a long while. He preserves his grin when he changes his focus to Ganondorf. Randomly, Ganondorf asks aloud, "And where's your shirt, boy?"

Zant gasps as a reaction to his epiphany. "My lord, the hero is a genius!" he declares, and proceeds to remove his robes. Ganondorf watches as his minion unclothes, and Link rests his forehead on his fist. And he thought Princess Ruto was impulsive.

Luckily for everyone, Zant's attire is two pieces, not one, so he only removes his torso covering. His pants are still intact. Also, he somehow managed to pull his long-sleeved shirt over his hem and helmet; a feat that Link can't comprehend.

Despite the oddity of the situation, Zant is happy now. Or he is until Ghirahim shows up, laughs, and mentions the sun in the light world. Similar to how gravity works in a cartoon, Zant isn't affected by the light until his peer mentioned it. Exposed to the true light of the light world, Zant is burned. He quickly escapes into his master's shadow.

Ganondorf is aghast. He bellows at his own shadow, "Who gave you permission to do that?!"

Further delaying the melee, Ghirahim has an idea similar to Zant's. "He might be a fool, but only because he took the wrong approach to solve a common problem," he admits, removing his heaviest and warmest article of clothing, his cape. This results in the desired affect; to cool him off in the desert heat.

Not to be upstaged by his half-naked men, Ganondorf impressively rips his shirt off from the center pulling outwards. The fabric tears like paper. If Proxi saw that, she would have described it as quite a manly display. Finally, with the entire team shirtless, Ganondorf is ready to wage war on Cia.

 _Shortly after_

Cia is striding at a comfortable, confident pace. One of two paths will be opened for her to safely arrive at Ganondorf's stronghold, and from that point she will squash it like a bug. That is her plan, anyways.

Then she stops, impeded by what appears to be a mirage of Ganondorf in the near distance. Surely he wouldn't leave his base unguarded. Why would a commander leave his/her strongest fortress? She is terrified when the figure, an illusion or not, swiftly makes its way towards her.

UM… perhaps the west path is open now. Cia quickly flees in that direction. She calls, "Wizzro!" And in the west, the very tired Wizzro groans in annoyance. What does she want now? He turns around to return the way he came.

Ganondorf, not an illusion of Cia's, summons a horde of little monsters to stand in the sorceress's path. He relied on Proxi to inform him of his enemy's whereabouts, and she didn't disappoint him.

Stuck between a rock and a hard place, Cia turns around to face the rock. She is outnumbered by the 'rock' and the three-dimensional absence of light in Zant's image.

She is horrified. "Wha-?! You came without a shirt?!" This is absurd, and her verbal expression of disbelief communicates that. Ganondorf looks down at his torso before meeting eyes with Cia and saying, "You say that like I'm Tingle." Zant finds his master's comment outrageously humorous.

As if the universe wants this situation to be bizarre and uncomfortable for Cia, Wizzro clears through the little monsters Ganondorf summoned. He calls, "Out of the way! Pregnant wraith coming through!" Cia chooses not to acknowledge his presence.

He stops beside Cia, takes one look at Ganondorf, and mutters, "Oh…" Then he smirks like a naughty child before bringing his fingers to his mouth and performing the sexy whistle. Cia's jaw drops. She slowly turns her head towards the twisted wizard. "What?" he giggles. "That's what you were thinking."

The sorceress is so embarrassed and so peeved all at the same time. Everything right now is so ridiculous that instead of glaring, she smiles. She is so overwhelmed with confusion that she is amused. Hiding her face with her hand, she says, "You need to just leave, Wizzro."

"Ok." And with that, he exits the battlefield.

Yes, he literally left the battle. This leaves Cia and Volga against Ganondorf, his men, and Link. Cia is outnumbered by double, not to mention she is faced against the hero and the King of Evil.

* * *

She didn't stand a chance. She was ganged up on by Ganondorf and his insane shadow man. And not surprisingly, shirtless Link was able to defeat Volga.

Cia hauls her disheveled carcass up the main staircase in the Valley of Seers. The moment she reaches the top she is greeted with a loud "Cia!"

The dark sorceress stands before the entire cast of newcomers; all under one of Lana's many accidental hexes. Lana stands in the middle, tired and desperate. She cries, "I can't do it!" Her mistakes range from King Daphnes believing he is an anime girl to Linkle under a sleeping spell.

The original Guardian of Time shakes her head.

* * *

Author's Notes- This goes to show you how suggestions inspire me. Of course I interpreted the shrinkage scenario in an unexpected way, and then added some detail and reason for a shirtless scenario. Then they combined. Thank you guys for those suggestions, you know who you are. I love suggestions. I don't mean to sound pushy, but someone please offer scenario suggestions for the heroes. As much as we love our villains, our heroes need the spotlight every once in a while.

Now, who wants to play Would You Rather? At the next meeting, the warriors agreed to participate in a game of Would You Rather! Well, most of them agreed. *cough Ganondorf cough*. But if there are no questions, they can't play. Give lots of questions in this format: (warrior the question is for), would you rather _ OR _? Link is super excited for this.


	7. Story 7

7\. "Forever"

The Great Fairy's purpose is not to mother the warriors; it is to be a guardian for the fairies. The warriors constantly dirty the fairy fountains with their shoes (not literally; even the warriors without feet are causing trouble), making asinine requests. This wastes the Great Fairy's time. As of late, she has been paddling the bottoms of warriors who ask for things despite being perfectly capable of it themselves, or who are causing the fairies trouble in any way. No warrior is exempt from spankings as long as the Great Fairy deems they need to learn a lesson.

Yet lessons are never learned, and no matter how badly their rears sting, they always heal and come back. The Great Fairy is disgusted that she even has to stoop to this level. Something needs to be done.

…

A particularly nasty skirmish at Hyrule Castle occurs during a week where the Great Fairy is feeling particularly moody.

As much as Zelda knows this is a risk, she decides to send Tingle to see the Great Fairy. As one of the only warriors that rarely, if ever, visit the Great Fairy, he should be ok. In theory, this should be the case. Worst case scenario is the Great Fairy sends him away shocked and he has no idea what he said to deserve her wrath. After careful consideration, Zelda determined that the benefits of succeeding outweigh the consequences for trying and failing. This is a risk worth taking.

Tingle takes the easy route and uses his balloon to avoid confrontation with monsters on the way there. The aspiring fairy-man takes a deep breath of fairy fountain air, excited just to be there. It's even more beautiful than he imagined. A hotheaded fire element fairy sends word to the Great Fairy that someone is in her fairy fountain again.

The doors shut tight with Tingle on the inside. The Great Fairy doesn't laugh this time when appearing in one of her many fountains. She has worked herself up to the point where she could rhyme just about anything. The Great Fairy writes personal, expressive raps in her free time. She doesn't notice Tingle freaking out like a stereotypical fangirl. The fairies that gathered around him in curiosity step back after he claims them to be his people.

With not even a "hello", the Great Fairy starts talking. Mostly she grumbles to herself, effectively grabbing everyone's attention.

"What's the trouble?" asks Tingle with concern. "Is it Tingle? It can't be Tingle, can it?"

The Great Fairy laughs, but she is not amused. "Is it Tingle? Is it Tingle?! Well, that's a start, I guess!" Wait, so was that a yes or a no? Everyone is rather confused.

Before Tingle can ask again what the problem is, the Great Fairy starts rhyming; "Another day inside my keep. I get no rest! I get no sleep! Because when I start to count my sheep, you come around!"

A celebrity amongst companion fairies, Lofti, warns, "Uh-oh, she's expressing herself with rhymes again. She only does that in private." She turns to Tingle. "I'd get out of here if I were you."

Unsure of what to do, and frankly a little frightened, Tingle starts to walk towards the door. He says, "I'll just come back a little later then, ok?" He gets a bad feeling that he's in trouble when the Great Fairy picks him up like someone plucks a cherry stem from a cherry and turns him to face her, setting him back down.

She continues, "I dole out spankings, and they're rough. But somehow that still isn't enough. You're all stubborn cookies, stale and tough. And you keep coming around!"

Ok, Tingle is getting out of here! He runs right into the door, forgetting it was closed. The Great Fairy laughs.

The light fairies move to let the man go, but the Great Fairy stops them. She crosses her arms: "You know what? You came, so you're going to stay."

The fairies are alarmed. Len approaches their leader to ask, "What? You're not going to let him leave?"

"Not this time."

The darkness element fairies are suddenly overwhelmed by the ominous tone in the room. Deker, a fire element fairy, wasn't exactly planning on having a long-term visitor. "So exactly how long is he staying?"

The Great Fairy's voice dips low as she bellows, "Forever!"

Tingle is semi-flattered. The thought of living with fairies forever isn't a bad one. It's being a prisoner of the Great Fairy forever that puts a damper on the situation. Tingle musters a weak smile and says, "Yeah, I wish I could stay, but forever sounds like a long time!" He stresses that last part.

"I've made my decision," the Great Fairy announces. "You're _never_ leaving; the unlucky warrior to be the last in, but not the last one out."

"But… what if Tingle is needed elsewhere?" he questions, but she doesn't listen.

The Great Fairy instructs a darkness fairy to act as a scribe and recording her funky flow. Like a professional rapper, she spews "Another fight, another request that's just as ridiculous as all the rest. Don't I already have enough weight on my chest? But you keep coming around!"

Madge the timid Lightning fairy mutters, "I-I don't mean to correct you, ma'am, but the saying is 'weight on my shoulders', not 'weight on my chest'."

The Great Fairy rolls her eyes. He turns to Tingle and asks, "You understood the meaning, right?" He is looking at the Great Fairy's chest, inadvertently nodding in response. "Good," and with that, the Great Fairy continues.

"'Oh no, Link, the princess is in danger!' 'Let's summon the Great Fairy. She's a game-changer!' I need a vacation; for a savior I hunger! Yet, one never comes around!" Her fairies, starting to like this rhyming thing, echo her last word.

"So…?" Tingle shrugs.

"So you're going to stay forever!"

The mini fairies surround Tingle as if he was the sacrifice. He worriedly cries, "But I thought you were always happy to assist. You fight alongside Link regularly, no?"

"Ha!" She guffaws. "Tell me, boy, since when has that been my job? I'm not your mama!" The fairies all agree. The Great Fairy continues, "I'm not a resource to control; not a circus animal or a llama."

Oh joy… thanks for putting that image in Tingle's head.

The water fairies attempt to offer sympathy to their leader. This act pulls at the Great Fairy's heartstrings. Tingle notices the tears forming in her eyes.

She weakly sings, "It's too much strain on my beauty. And no one even, ever thanks me."

Tingle and the fairies gasp when a tear falls from her right eye. The last thing Tingle wanted to do today was make a grown woman cry. He once made Linkle cry, and that left him with a terrible feeling.

"You made the Great Fairy cry!" shrieks a concerned fairy.

"You're gonna die!" bellows a different quick-tempered fire fairy.

Before the fairies all pick a one-sided fight with Tingle, he screams, "Wait!" This effectively gets the Great Fairy's attention.

"Now first of all," he begins. "I'm not like the others. I'm a fairy, too, so I understand."

How can the Great Fairy cry when she's so confused that her face shrivels up?

Tingle continues, "And secondly, all of that last part you said isn't true. You know why?" He smiles. "Thank you, Ms. Great Fairy. A million times thank you for everything." He looks at the population and says, "C'mon girls. Show some love."

The Great Fairy is bombarded with hugs from her many winged subjects.

"I speak for all of my allies when I say that we'd be in trouble if it wasn't for you. So a million times thank you," the 35-year-old warrior says over the sound of many grateful fairies.

The commotion in the fountain gradually ceases. The Great Fairy is still weeping, but they are tears of joy. And more importantly, Tingle did something helpful today. "Tingle feels so good now! He must spread this joy with everyone else." In the same fashion as someone who regularly jogs would, he pivots one-hundred and eighty degrees on his left foot and strides for the doors.

A soft chuckle emits from the Great Fairy herself, slowing Tingle to a stop. He looks at her over his shoulder. "What's up with you?" he inquires, "You've been tickled?"

She begins to mumble to nobody in particular; mostly to herself. "I've been complaining, but he thanked me." Her cheeks flush. "I spoke up for myself, and he thanked me."

"UM… Can you open the door?" the Great Fairy's captive asks. None of the fairies heard him, as they are all super excited for some reason. They all appear as if they are about to explode like a party popper, the confetti and all.

The Great Fairy laughs with overwhelming joy. Her voice is as strong as ever when she says, "No one ever thanks me!" And this is followed with her signature laugh.

Tingle feels like he has just entered the fountain; the Great Fairy smiling and the fairies dancing around her as twinkles of light.

"So!" The Great Fairy announces loud and proud. "You're gonna stay!"

Tingle flinches. "What?"

"You heard me! You're gonna stay forever!"

The fairy man falls to his knees in despair. "Why am I still a prisoner?!" he cries.

The Great Fairy nods to her subjects. "I'm going to make him one of us. And he's going to stay with us!"

Lofti sighs with a disheartened, "Let me guess- forever?" The Great Fairy picks up Tingle like a rupee.

"And you'll appreciate me."

From this moment on, Tingle has been, is, and forever will be the Hermes of the fairy kingdom.

Author's Notes- First things first and a DISCLAIMER, this story is actually a parody of _Shrek the Musical_ 's song of the same title. The Broadway version has a different song in this song's place, but I personally prefer "Forever". This parody was born when my brain decided that this song would fit in the Zelda universe. I tweaked it to match this situation, but some of the dialogue in this story is taken directly from the original "Forever", so that's the disclaimer. This was something unique I wanted to try.  
I'm overwhelmed with joy for two reasons. The first reason is that there have been several great suggestions recently. My creativity has been challenged, and I adore that! That's exactly why I've asked questions like "what two or more warriors should interact"; it forces me to get crafty. And with that said, no suggestion is too funky or detailed, so don't hold back, please. Secondly and finally, Zelda has decided that Story 15 will not be a story, but the meeting, where they will play Would you Rather. Would you Rather questions will be taken up until the meeting itself happens, (which doesn't have a set date, so the deadline is simultaneously so far away and so close). And that is all for now.


	8. Story 8

8\. Triforce of POW

Zelda once again finds herself trapped in the Twilight Realm.

Oh wait… which Zelda are you thinking of? I was referring to Zelda from the Era of the Great Sea. She prefers to be called Tetra. All Zeldas are technically Zelda, but they do differentiate from each other based on era. But anyways, we should move on.

So, yeah, Tetra has been lured and trapped in the King's Hall at the Palace of Twilight. The palace is being manipulated. But who would do such a thing? Surely Midna wouldn't keep a child hostage. Lucky you, it's not Midna. It's who you'd expect to be causing suffering in the Twilight.

…

No, it's not Wizzro. And he is very offended you'd even suggested him as a possibility. Great, you hurt his feelings. Nice job. Oh, but those of you who thought the perpetrator is Zant, you'd be correct.

The self-proclaimed King of Twilight has already inspected Tetra, as that is the standard protocol for intruders, Twili or not. The tattoo on the back of the pirate girl's hand caught Zant's eye. No… not a tattoo; a symbol of possession.

Then he recognizes it, awed. "Which piece do you bear?" he curiously inquires. But there is no reply. Tetra won't say, and that is probably for the best. Nevertheless, Zant wants it. Tarnishing his beautiful hand is not smiled upon, but if that mark is a piece of the Triforce, that is an honor to have crested on the back of either palm—or both, but that never happens.

The question is how to take said Triforce. It's not like it'll give up on Tetra and switch allegiance. It's not Wizzro, you know. (Wow, he's not even here, and he's made his mark on this story already.) Zant's extravagant demonstration of power didn't seem to impress Tetra's Triforce slice either. Tough crowd.

Zant didn't want it to have to come to this, but it looks like red is his new favorite color. His monsters bring a table, but it's a little tall for Tetra, so they bring a chair, too. She is commanded to get on her knees in the chair, and with no other options, she complies. Her heart begins a marathon when her hand is forcefully pressed onto the table surface by a Stalmaster. It is surprisingly strong. Stalchildren, though they are struggling, manage to keep the rest of Tetra immobile.

Whoo! It's been ages since Zant sharpened this single-bladed scimitar. He is fearful of touching the sharp edge by mistake. Turning to Tetra, he wonders if she'll feel more like a pirate when she is forced to use a hook for a hand.

The sexiest whistle in all of the Twilight Realm echoes in the grand throne room. Truly a stunning sight to see, the rightful ruler of the Twilight leans her true body against the doorframe. She gaze is sharper than Zant's scimitar. She calmly asks, "What do you think you're doing?"

The job is still not done, and a woman who has tricked herself into thinking she is _really_ the Twilight's ruler won't thwart this task so far into it. It'll hurt less while Tetra is distracted by Midna, so Zant swings. And—

Midna's unscathed palm comes between Tetra's wrist and Zant's instrument of disembodying. It must be made of diamonds to not have taken a scratch from the blade! Or possibly a Sheikah secret that Midna must have learned recently. That is the likeliest explanation, because she also traveled the distance of the room in under three seconds. Great, now she's a ninja; first the magic hair, and now this. She'll surely be the death of Zant… again.

Lifting the scimitar, Midna gets a look at Tetra's hand. Then she laughs at Zant. "You're an idiot."

Zant defensively jerks his favorite blade free of Midna's grip. "We've already established that, thank you," he thoughtlessly states. Then he thinks about what he just confirmed. Insert Twili profanity here.

Midna isn't exactly known for having proper royal etiquette. She pushes Zant back from his chest forcefully like an angry child pushing a peer that didn't win fairly. "You'll never know what it feels like to have a piece of the Triforce. Especially not the Triforce of Wisdom," she claims confidently.

Oh! Ew, blah! Is that which piece Tetra has? It's no wonder she couldn't defend herself. Don't get him wrong; Zant would still take it since it's the one here, but Midna got in the way. _She always does._

Tetra shows herself to the door, leaving the Twili folk to their own devices. Slowly, their gazes shift to the vacant throne, then to one another. MAD DASH!

* * *

Lana is determined to open a portal to Diamond City and meet Ashley. The only problem is that requires a ton of magical know-how that she just doesn't have alone.

Then there is Cia. For nefarious reasons, she'll help her better half open said portal. True, it'll be difficult, but it can't be any more difficult than dealing with… Nope. Not going there. Not mentioning him. But anyways, you get the picture.

Majora oversees every part of this magical learning process. The experienced, child-like, hexing mask can see every outcome of each spell performed by the amateur sorceresses. It internally laughs at their suffering and failures. Over time they are both slowly consumed by the desire to open gateways between Nintendo universes, a feat that is supposedly unreachable. Those few who travel universes without permission to from Master Hand meet with a terrible fate if they get caught, so only daredevil characters attempt it. And those that sneak by undetected only have a mask or two to show for it.

Like chemistry, magic is reactive, and pretty soon there is an accident.

This little accident was mostly unnoticed. It didn't elude one warrior, and like a moth to a flame, he is attracted. The red-caped peer follows close behind, curious. Before long, they have ascended the grand staircase.

Ghirahim is truly disturbed. "Oh my… what happened here?"

"A magic accident," infers Zant. That is the likeliest explanation, considering he could feel it up his spine from Gerudo Desert. "These are common back home."

Ghirahim snickers, "That explains a lot about you and Midna." Zant rolls his eyes.

As if calling to him, the Triforce of Power shows itself on Lana's fragile hand for Zant to see. Unconscious, she isn't aware of it making itself known. With more suave than Ghirahim has ever had, Zant ever so gently gets on one knee, takes Lana's limp hand in his, and whisks away the Triforce of Power, its symbol crested on the back of his hand now.

"Wha-?! Has taking Triforce pieces always been that easy?!" cries Ghirahim in disbelief.

"No," the Twili responds calmly, feigning indifference. Truth is he can't believe he plucked the Triforce of Power like a flower; it just kind of happened. The Usurper King, (a fitting title in this case), rests Lana's hand comfortably on her lap before standing to face Ghirahim. He finishes, "This opportunity is rare, so I took my chance. Any other day obtaining this would be impossible." And he means it.

Deep inside, the demon lord despises the idea of creating a pact with a lanky traitor, but standing beside the holder of the Triforce of Power is _always_ a good move. With that said, the evil sword proposes they "form a tight bond". Zant was under the impression that they were already close because they shared so much in common, but whatever. Even with the Triforce of Power, the great Lord Ganondorf still manipulated puppets. Perhaps it would be wise if Zant did the same.

They shake on it as servants in service to one another. Then to Ghirahim's surprise, Zant demands, "Under the condition we keep knowledge of the Triforce between us. There are some things Lord Ganondorf doesn't need to know." Finally a personal opinion that the two can agree on! Ghirahim's grip tightens; a deal sealed.

* * *

Dawn of a new day.

HQ is under siege. At the front door, Ganondorf looks at his men over his shoulder. "Watch my back."

"Like a hawk," Zant assures. Their visitors came abruptly, so Ghirahim is just now putting on his cape.

Lord Ganondorf opens the front door to quite a shocker. Zelda's army stands at his doorstep with Link and Lana in the front, fire burning in their eyes. The princess feels her words won't be heeded if she's standing hidden in the back. Impa graciously offers to let the princess use her height, and Zelda agrees, climbing onto Impa's shoulders. She calls into a megaphone, "We will be forced to attack if you don't surrender the Triforce of POWer, Ganondorf!"

Ganondorf flinches, mostly because the first half of "power" was capitalized. Honest and truly scared, he slowly peeks at his minions over his shoulder. Like twins, they give innocent shrugs in unison. Ganondorf motions for Link to come close. He says, "I don't have the Triforce of Power. Pass it down." Link does as told, and one after the other, Ganondorf's verbal message is sent through the middle of Zelda's army.

Something goes horribly wrong down the way. Zelda replies with her megaphone, "I don't care if you dance in the shower. We just want the Triforce in safe hands!" Ghirahim materializes a megaphone for Ganondorf. Zant is still snickering at the 'dance in the shower' response.

The Gerudo King says into his donated megaphone, "I don't have it!"

"Then who does?! Because it isn't Lana, that's for sure," Hyrule's princess replies again.

"Men," Ganondorf addresses. "What's wrong with these people? Why do they think I have the Triforce of Power?"

Ghirahim chuckles before charismatically replying, "Why, isn't it obvious? You're Lord Ganondorf! And I truly mean it when I say you smell of my lord, Demise." That sounded like a compliment up until the smell part. Zant thought it was funny, though.

Not amused, the king asks, "Ok, which one of you has the Triforce?"

One of them has to say something. They exchange glances before Ghirahim steps forward and says, "Well, you see, there are rumors. Rumors that… um…"

"Midna has taken the Triforce of Power from Lana," Zant concludes the 'rumor'. Crisis averted by a team effort. Good job, men.

That sounds plausible, but then again, Zant accusing Midna is more likely. "A rumor about Midna, Zant. You expect me to believe a rumor about Midna didn't start with you?"

"Oh," Ghirahim cries to salvage the lie. "But I have heard the same rumor, all of it from a different source."

Zant crosses his arms, adding, "Sure, it's just a rumor, but it couldn't have traveled far, being the Valley of Seers the location of the crime."

Ganondorf sighs, his only lead being a rumor these two bozos supposedly heard. He faces Zelda again with his megaphone. "I'm not the man you're looking for."

"He's not the man we're looking for," Zelda repeats.

"Midna is your culprit."

"Mid- wait, what?" And just like that, Ganondorf's trance on Zelda is broken.

All three villains are shaken when Midna says through her own megaphone, "You know that's not true."

Zant takes the megaphone from Lord Ganondorf. In his crazed demeanor, he yells, "Where are you, you poor excuse for a princess!?"

Midna stands in front of many of the hero's allies that aren't in the front with the rest of Zelda's army. She says into her megaphone, "Ah, c'mon, is that the best insult you can come up with?" Ganondorf repeats Zant's question to Midna without the insult, and Midna consults with Darunia if telling them is a good idea. Darunia opts for 'why not' and Midna replies, "We have you surrounded, at least from the back."

Across the map at the Valley of Seers, Cia overhears the megaphone conversation. She says into her own megaphone, "And we're not involved!" Lifting his arms, Wizzro goes "whoo" in sarcastic excitement. Volga is getting the board game War set up.

Lana isn't happy about it, but it must be done, nonetheless. She warns, "Don't make us fight you for it, Ganondorf. That's not going to be good for anybody."

Ganondorf smirks. "A battle on home turf; this is new, men. What do you say to Lana's threat?" Ghirahim has been dying to say something inappropriate, so Zant covers his mouth before he gets too excited. Their lord takes it they are ready for full-on war. He leans in close to Lana and says in his inside voice, "This is just going to have to be unpleasant, then. Pass that on to your princess."

Once again, something goes awry during delivery. "I'm sorry, you said gurgle the peasant?" Zelda questions via megaphone. "He chose war, your highness," Impa clarifies. How she got war out of that, Zelda will never know.

"Anyone who comes in will have to earn the right of passage. Guard the back entrances, now!" the king commands. His subjects do as instructed without question. This leaves him to the front door, and he wipes the front porch clean.

 _Let the battle begin!_

 _All_ of the hero's allies have gathered to rip the Triforce from Ganondorf's evil grasp. In the darkest regions of the great king's headquarters, a vent opens. The cunning Tetra crawls through. Once out, she helps Linkle through and into the room. As if on a slide at the playground, Skull Kid shoots out of the vent feet first, landing smoothly. Tetra is distracted when putting the vent cover back on. She calls into it, "King D, you're not gonna fit!"

Echoes whisper in the walls, as detected by Ghirahim. He stops, listens closely, and turns his attention to the vents. He should probably monitor that, but there is no time. Zant has gone to the main back entrance, which leaves Ghirahim to the side entrance.

Tetra takes point, leading the way. To keep him quiet, Linkle lets Skull Kid ride on her back. He whispers, "I forgot what we're doing." Linkle shakes her head, amused. In the darkness, the eyes on Majora act as a flashlight.

The others have a plan to get in. Medli, Marin, Tingle, Toon Link, Young Link, and King Daphnes are breaking in! CHARGE!

 _Shortly after that_

Zant's entrance is secured shut. Using the Triforce, he has successfully created a force field in the doorframe. Darunia's not getting in. Ha!

That doesn't stop Midna. She teleports to the other side of his barrier. Like a flash, Zant whips around and takes hold of Midna's neck, slamming her against the wall in the process.

Medli got here just in time to witness this. She gasps as the Triforce mark on Zant's exposed hand catches her eye. Both Twili glance at the Rito girl. All she can think to do is run.

She calls for Lana, but she is prey to a pouncing tiger. Not an actual tiger; just Ghirahim. He takes her down to the ground in an epic pose, his leg out to the side like Spiderman. She is in too much shock to cry out about her wing; it might be broken.

There's a strange new draft in HQ. Ghirahim checks his body first to make sure he hasn't unknowingly stripped. It's happened before. Since his clothes are still intact, it must be somethi –GREAT HYLIA! The discovery of a King of Red Lions-shaped hole in the wall makes Ghirahim's hair stand on end. Steam from his nose, he bellows, "For the love of Demise, Medli! You guys really battering-rammed your way in here?!"

His hair stands on end again, this time from a laser to the rear. He summersaults forward off of Medli and directs his attention to the unlit back of the room. Majora's eyes shine through the ominous shadows. One-by-one Linkle, Tetra, and Skull Kid reveal themselves. Medli's adrenaline kicks up, and she attempts to dash for the front. Ghirahim grabs her ponytail with his free hand, his other hand armed with his sword. This effectively stops her. Tetra and Linkle aim their ranged weapons at the demon. Skull Kid threatens, "You should really start playing nice." Ghirahim smirks, prepared to "play" any way he chooses.

 _Meanwhile_

A swift swing of his mighty hammer has no effect except for backfiring, causing him to vibrate like a cartoon character. Zant's new secret weapon has now protected him from even Darunia's mighty blows. This is against her programming, but Fi attempts a sneak attack from behind. This is also futile as Zant majestically blocks Fi's kick with his own leg.

That is when Fi assesses, "This is indeed the real Zant, but he has become significantly stronger from last I battled him." "And I defeated you last time, anyways, pathetic sword spirit," hisses Fi's opponent. Fi regroups with a shaken Darunia, a terrified Agitha, and a contemplating Midna.

The only one who has yet to throw swings at Zant is Princess Ruto. Uncharacteristically, Zant gets a little cocky. (That's what happens to you when you've experimented with the Triforce of Power for too long.) Retracting his helmet completely, he taunts, "Come on, girlfriend! I dare you to drown me."

The Zora princess strides towards her heckler with purpose and clenched fists. Fi foresees two outcomes, but she won't say what they are. Darunia watches in suspense, Agitha just as concerned for Ruto hides behind him. Midna is confused as to why Ruto places herself closer to Zant than his arm distance. She doesn't need to be that close unless she's preparing a melee attack.

Ruto punishes the Usurper King with a slap to the face. She chastises, "Gentlemen don't mock their opponents!" Believe it or not, but that was one of Fi's predictions. She also predicted that Zant wouldn't know how to react, and he doesn't, so he just puts his helmet back on.

Now it's Midna's turn. Unlike her Zora comrade, she'll teach any guy what for! With the Mirror of Shadows at her disposal, the Twilight Princess expresses wrath against this bendy conspirator. He is able to dodge a fair portion of her attacks, but not quite enough.

It dawns on the self-proclaimed Twilight King that he has yet to show his opponents the extent of his newfound abilities. A wicked grin spreads across his face under his helmet, and he announces, "I'd say it's time to take you down a few notches!" Then and there, Midna is engulfed in magic not meant to be used for evil like something dowsed in gasoline going up in flames.

Not a hair is singed, but every part of her is broken again. The imp that the warriors grew to love hits the ground. Agitha gasps in horror before dashing to Midna's aid. She cries into Midna's unconscious face "Midna! Please wake up! Ms. Kitty!" Darunia, Ruto, and Fi are on guard more than they ever have been.

Yes! This power is unreal! He can only imagine what he could accomplish if he possessed all three pieces of the Triforce. Why, he could make the shadows swallow Hyrule whole with the completed Triforce! The world, no, the gods will bow to him! Ha ha ha! Ganondorf isn't so crazy after all!

Looming over Agitha, Zant wonders what he should do to her. Her misery won't be as satisfying as the misery of those who have wronged him, but it's something. Darunia threatens to squish him if he places a hand on the girl, but that's laughable. Then Fi gives her best effort to express hatred through words, but she just ends up sounding like she's questioning herself and her feelings. Most hilariously, Ruto's distorted face gives her the appearance of a living time bomb with constipation.

With impeccable timing, Lana enters the scene, followed closely behind by Medli and Skull Kid, both of whom found her in the commotion of the front to inform her of her Triforce piece. "Zant!" she calls demandingly. She goes pale when he slowly turns to face her dead on. If what Medli saw was real, then Zant now possess the power she keeps contained, and he's not going to contain it by any means.

The Twili man chuckles to himself. "Are you really foolish enough to believe that yourself and two kids can stand against me?" he denounces, wiping them free of any confidence they had.

"Bwuh- what did you just call me?!" shouts a furious Skull Kid. Slowly ascending to Lana's height, a menacing aura surrounds his enchanted mask, shrouding him in darkness.

Jerking awake like someone would after being electrocuted in sleep, Midna sits up. New insight from her experience leads her to cry out, "He's got the Triforce of Power!" Agitha peed a little, startled from Midna's sudden outburst.

The white sorceress grinds her teeth then declares, "If you're not going to give it back, I'm going to have to take it back!" Her warning is stomped upon. In fact, he challenges her to take it back by showing her the Triforce's symbol on the back of his right palm and hiding it under his sleeve again.

 _Meanwhile_

Ghirahim is caught in a quarrel with Linkle and Tetra simultaneously. There was nothing he could do when he lost hold of Medli and she was safely escorted out of HQ by Skull Kid and his devil mask. However, by this point, blocking Tetra's knife while dodging Linkle's arrows is laughably simple.

"Ha! It has just dawned on me that we could pass for a trio of circus performers!" announces Ghirahim. Both of his opponents are thrown off balance.

Tetra swings her arms furiously to stay standing. But then she sees someone and knows she can relax. She lets herself fall onto her backside. Shortly after, a swift "thunk" is heard from the back Ghirahim's head. His body goes limp, and his eyes roll back. King Daphnes coldly took him out with his sail.

Linkle cringes, saying "Ooo, that's gonna leave a mark." King D nods in agreement.

"Where's everyone else?" Tetra asks. She is jealous when they find Tingle looting in Ganondorf's room.

Linkle stayed behind to accompany the resting demon lord. She happens to hear the screams of his comrade, who is getting pummeled out the back door.

Eight warriors with Majora's Mask prove to be a challenge for one warrior with the Triforce of Power. Zant fights with everything he's got until he can no longer breathe. Unfortunately for him, he runs completely out of stamina at the wrong time, and finds himself picked up and nailed into the ground by Midna's hair. He would push himself out, but with Darunia keeping him down, it's no use. He can only see the world upside down through his legs, and even then his vision is obstructed by his own robes.

The hopelessness of defeat overwhelms him as Lana calls the Triforce of Power and it obeys, returning to her.

"Yeah!" rejoices Skull Kid. He holds his hand to Medli for a high-five, and she obliges. However, she uses her injured arm, and ends up recoiling in pain. Agitha asks if she is alright. Well, no, she is obviously not alright. The bug princess decides to escort the Sage of Earth to the nearest medic. That leaves seven total warriors.

Everyone seems to have calmed down a little. Ruto turns to Lana and asks, "Can I see that spell book?" Lana is dazed because of the strange request, but she eventually lets Ruto handle her spell book. Ruto steps behind Zant.

The Zora holds the book out a vertical. Like a golfer preparing their swing, Ruto prepares hers. She maps out her swing three times to assure she'll hit what she wants to hit. Midna quickly understands. She is already laughing. Then, Ruto winds up. Zant thinks he knows what's about to happen to him, and he instantly fears it.

"Ruto!" Darunia is shocked, reaching his hand between Ruto and her tender target. The back of Darunia's hand is smacked with Lana's spell book; a satisfying whack sound is the result.

That did not feel good at all! Darunia pulls his hand away. He attempts to shake the pain away to no avail.

"Thanks," Zant says from a dude to a dude. Ruto grumbles, "Darunia, you always get in my way!"

"Was that really necessary?" the Goron asks. He attempts to stick his entire hand in his mouth like a child, but this unfortunately doesn't work. He just ends up slobbering all over himself.

Midna responds, "That was completely necessary. In fact, someone go get Volga for me. Let's set his trousers ablaze!"

"No! No thank you! I get it."

Skull Kid laughs. He says, "It's one or the other." Fi adds, "Perhaps his punishment should be equal to your curse, Midna." "In the amount of pain? Of course," Midna agrees. Zant puts his hands over his face in despair. What did he do to deserve this?

"You know what?" Midna says. "Gimme that book!" She takes Lana's spell book from Ruto and starts to search through the pages.

Much to the surprise of both of them, Darunia lifts them both by their waists. He slings them over his shoulder kicking a screaming. Darunia looks at Zant and says, "These two just need to calm down. I'll just take them away now." Midna screams in his ear.

"Wow," Zant is amazed and utterly grateful. "You really are a big brother."

"You're not a brother."

"Oh…ok."

And with that, Darunia takes his leave. Fi and Skull Kid follow his example. Ruto and Midna are still screaming with an uncontrollable desire to wreak pain on the enemy.

Lana takes a risk. She stays with the humiliated Zant. By bending down, she is able to meet eyes with him and look right-side up to him, with the exception of her hair touching the ground above her. "You know, I suppose it's possible you helped play a part in the safety of the world," she reveals.

Zant is confused.

"If Cia and I had woken up and you hadn't had taken the Triforce of Power, we might have just started right back where we left off, which was a dangerous road to begin with. Fate might have orchestrated you to intervene before something terrible happened," she explains. "You can think of it like that."

The Twili guffaws and says, "You make it sound like I care about the well-being of Hyrule."

Lana smiles. "Don't you?"

"… No."

And the sorceress giggles. She says "you hesitated" before giggling again. Before he has a mind to punch her, she stands up straight. Then she gasps and exclaims, "Oh no! I could have told everyone to stop fighting a long time ago!" She dashes away.

Not long after this, Ghirahim clumsily staggers out the back door. Zant doesn't notice him until he chooses to rest by placing his hands on the nearest surface, which happened to be Zant's rear end still suspended in the air. When the demon lord snaps to his senses, he lends Zant a hand.

Ghirahim isn't surprised about Zant's bad news. Why else would Zelda's army have left if they didn't get the Triforce of Power back?

Inside of HQ, Ganondorf scrutinizes the damage done. He sighs long and hard about the boat-shaped hole in the wall. He is met by his former puppets. He looks at them, but not with rage in his eyes, rather just a slight discontentment.

The Gerudo King says, "I never figured out who had the Triforce. If it was Lana the entire time, our time and energy has been wasted, not to mention what has happened to HQ. However, if it wasn't her and it wasn't me, who had it? Why choose to give it back then?"

And the demon lord smiles slyly. "My lord, believe it or not," he says, "But the rumors were true after all." He is referring to the one he and Zant conjured on the fly before the great skirmish began.

Ganondorf looks at his men. Zant also looks at Ghirahim. Ganondorf inquires, "Really?"

Ghirahim nods, swooshing his hair.

"Then as soon as we fix this place, we will make her pay," the great Ganondorf announces proudly. His Twili smiles and says, "I'm down for that."

* * *

Author's Notes- This story has been one of my favorites to write thus far. I'll attempt to back off of Zant for a little while; he seems to be stealing the show recently. We're slowly accumulating great Would You Rather questions, so please keep 'em coming.


	9. Story 9

9\. Singing and Sneezing Have a Direct Correlation

Lana's favorite time of the year is spring, same as Marin. The girls share a passion for it. Cia's second favorite season is spring, only beat out by summer. Only in the summer can she get a tan that lasts all year long, but she has to renew it annually. It's a good thing summer comes once a year. Wizzro's least favorite season is spring. That's when everything comes to life. He much prefers when everything dies, aka winter. Volga doesn't have a preferred season, and he wouldn't answer the question if you asked him. He feels that the seasons work as a cycle of life, and he doesn't think about trivial things like the meaning of life. Skull Kid loves all of the seasons equally, but he has just a small bias for autumn. No reason in particular.

Right this very instant, it is spring. Much to Lana's amazement, Marin's voice speaks to the flower buds. When she sings, they open, releasing their beautiful scents into the thawing air. Cia is disgusted when Marin and Lana prance around the Valley of Seers opening the flowers.

Ascending to the Guardian of Time's crib, Lana tells Marin, "I'd be ecstatic if we could fill this place with flowers!"

"No, you wouldn't," interjects a stern Cia.

Marin is disheartened. She asks, "Are you not fond of flowers?"

"Flowers themselves I'm fine with," Cia replies. "It's just when they unnaturally open in a mass quantity that doesn't appeal to me." Cia looks at Lana. She declares, "I have invited Volga and Wizzro for a marathon of War tonight, so you will not interfere. I won't tolerate flowers or joy of any kind. Are we clear?"

Marin gasps with horror. They are going to fight in the springtime? Cia notices her horror and clarifies, "The board game, darling." Marin relaxes. Board games are fun, even if they are about obliterating others.

When Cia excuses herself to welcome Volga like she always does, Lana pulls Marin to the side. "We should show Cia what spring is all about," she whispers with a smirk. Marin agrees. The girls plan to bring in a flower bud prime to bloom while Cia is entranced in the game. Then they will make it bloom and shove in Cia's face! Lana laughs, "Yeah! And then Volga will take the flower pot and say 'I summon Manhandla's wife to the battlefield!'"

"Excuse me?"

The girls go stiff. Cia and Volga are giving them weird looks. Lana smiles before saying, "Oh, never mind us." Marin initiates the plan by walking towards the exit. She says, "I'll just be on my way, Ms. Cia. Have a lovely evening."

"Goodnight, Marin." Cia doesn't suspect she'll be back.

As Marin descends the stairs, she passes Cia's second guest armed with a rake over his shoulder and a straw hat on his head on top of his robes. Marin has to stop and do a double-take. Wizzro stops too, as he can sense Marin staring at him just a little ways away. "What are you looking at?" he asks. Marin examines him more closely to discover a trowel attached to his side. It takes a moment, but she manages to successfully utter, "You wouldn't let me borrow that tiny shovel, would you?"

Wizzro takes the trowel by the handle. "Knock yourself out." He tosses it to her, but it flies over her head. "Ugh, bad throw," he mutters. He turns to ascend the stairs farther, but stops.

Marin has already descended the stairs to obtain the trowel. Then she faces Wizzro, who has just now followed her down. "Actually…" he says before switching his rake to her shoulder and using his free hand to move his hat to her head. He instructs, "You're just putting that to good use while I waste away playing stupid games with Cia. That isn't for you to keep."

"I understand. Thank you so much," Marin replies with a smile. Wizzro finds her happiness annoying; he was dropping his stuff onto her so he wouldn't be seen with it. He ascends the stairs without another word to Marin.

 _Twenty boring minutes later_

Cia bellows, "You've got to be kidding me!" She's already losing the game, and it's only her third turn.

Using her limited foresight abilities, Lana is able to predict Marin's return. She eagerly rushes to the edge of the stairs. Volga watched her. He chuckles and asks, "Expecting someone were you?"

Marin carries a large bush, the roots and all. "I couldn't find any singular flowers that haven't already bloomed, but I found this." The red-haired girl far surpassed Lana's expectations with a multitude of flower buds waiting to bring springtime right here.

Cia is greatly displeased. She pushes her chair back, affectively nabbing the attention of her other half. She reminds, "I said we wouldn't have any springtime nonsense tonight, Lana."

"And I promptly ignored you."

The dark sorceress's patience is thinning faster than Tetra turns to stone. She has a mind to fight Lana. Thankfully, Volga reaches and takes Cia's hand. This affectively stops her in her tracks. "It's not worth a fight, Cia," he counsels.

Cia knows Volga is right. She sits down facing the game and her former minions. Strangely, they offer a sense of serenity. They provide routine, and she can mostly predict their moves. Ironically, she can rarely predict the manifestation of the light driven from her own heart.

Lana motions for Marin to sing. She does, and the entirety of the bush's population blooms majestically. Volga's sensitive nose is overwhelmed with its scent, which is reminiscent of Zelda's perfume. Oppositely, Wizzro lacks a nose, and therefore the sense of smell. (This can be a blessing and curse.) Instead, he complains, "Her hideous voice… Can't my souls get any decent unrest around here?!"

And Marin goes silent. A pang in her chest silenced her. Nobody has ever been so hateful towards her before. It's alarming and wounding.

"Wizzro, chill out," Cia speaks up. "That wasn't necessary to say."

"Since when have you been the kindness police?" he snaps.

Marin hands the bush off to Lana. Lana asks, "Are you alright?" Marin says that she is fine, forcing a smile on her face. She doesn't look Lana in the eyes.

Lana starts to head for the back of the area, taking the bush with her. She stops. She wriggles her nose. Her eyes start to water. Volga has been watching her.

The white sorceress takes a quiet inhale, followed by a second larger inhale. These first two steps are instantly recognized by the trio at the table. They gasp together in horror. Lana takes a final inhale, the largest one of them all. Duck and cover is Cia's first response.

Wizzro swiftly dives into the ground and returns to the surface directly in front of Lana, similar to Princess Ruto on the battlefield. He clogs her nose and mouth with his own two hands in a desperate attempt to cancel what comes next.

This is successful. Lana's sneeze is thwarted. Volga, who went stiff, slowly releases the tension in his muscles. The polite Marin says, "Bless you." Lana nods once to her, but she can't say anything with a mummy-like hand over her nose. She can't really breathe, either.

Wizzro releases the orifices of Lana's face. The following exchange is this: "Your hands are so rough." "Sorry."

Cia stands up and commands, "Lana, put the bush down." Lana is terrified, so she complies. She holds her hands up like someone just told to by the law enforcements.

At the moment, Marin is just as terrified as Lana. These people are so weird. She looks at the most sane person in the room, Volga. He apologizes for the previous events before referencing a chapter from the last Warriors Uncut.

"That is why we will never let Lana sneeze again," Cia adds.

Lana wipes her nose with a handkerchief. She then says, "You're not always going to be there to stop me from sneezing, Cia."

"Yeah, but," the dark sorceress responds. "If the others are in their right minds, they will prevent you from sneezing, too."

And nobody else had anything to say the rest of the night. Well, except for Wizzro, who remembered that he had let Marin borrow his gardening tools, but she didn't return with them. He at least wants the hat back! But she had already left for the night.

* * *

Marin is a morning person. The sunrise over the ocean has always been one of her favorite things. With that said, you can find her on Windfall Island every morning of every day.

This is where Skull Kid finds Marin today. Her ears are keen, so his stealth alarms her. She whips around to face the potential danger, her bell in hand. Skull Kid's hands go up immediately. Neither of them moves for at least thirty seconds.

Finally, Marin relaxes, lowering her bell in the process. Skull Kid's arms drop to his sides, and he says, "That was a wake-up call." Marin is amused, so she smiles.

That's when Skull Kid chuckles. This sends a chill down Marin's spine, as if traveled through by a ghost. In other words, the mood has shifted dramatically from a cheery morning to an ominous overcast.

"I suddenly want to play I Spy. I spy with Majora's eyes… something white with a green stem."

Marin looks around. Her gaze fixes on a lone crocus by the cliff. It is at rest, awaiting a beautiful day to open. That made Marin's day.

Skull Kid commands, "Make it bloom." Surprised, Marin looks at Skull Kid. Surely his request was a tease! There is no way he knows—she has only ever shown Lana.

Marin continues to look at Skull Kid. He frowns. "Do I need to repeat myself?" he growls. "I said make it bloom! I know you can." And Marin frowns. She says, "Say please."

His shoulders slouch. "Gruh… pleeaasse?"

"Good. Now how do you know I can do that?"

Bwuh-?! Now he has to explain himself?! This is no fun at all! The forest child's feet move like a drum roll before he comes to a complete stop standing straight and stiff.

Marin repeats, "How did you know I can make flowers bloom?"

Tael exits Skull Kid's hat. "We don't have to answer that," says Skull Kid whilst looking at Tael. He shoos his fairy friend back into the safety of his hat. Then he looks Marin in the eyes and says, "I could have slept in this morning, but I didn't. I didn't because I was too excited to sleep. I was patiently waiting for the sun to show up so I could come find you. And now that I've found you, you won't do what I want!"

"I already promised myself I would never bloom a flower again!" she yells over him.

Skull Kid is stunned. "Wh-why? It's so cool!" he cries.

Marin shakes her head. "Not when the pollen irritates Lana's nose."

"Lana's nose?" Skull Kid mutters. What does that have to do with anything?

"I- I don't know what would happen," the red-haired girl explains. "But something tells me I don't want to know." She follows this with some polite conversation, to which Skull Kid responds positively. Then Marin excuses herself with a "see you later."

* * *

Tatl floats beside her brother and Skull Kid. He actually walks on his own two feet for once. Tatl asks, "So, what did you want to do again?"

"This might be completely pointless, but at least we'll know if Marin is a fat liar or not," Tatl's warrior friend hints.

Tael says to nobody in particular, "I'm kinda hoping she was being serious. If something strange happens, I want to see it."

Tatl stops at the foot of the staircase. "Bleck! Tael, wait, can't you sense that?"

"No, but I can smell it."

Skull Kid giggles, "Heh, sorry."

"No, not that!" Tatl exclaims. "I think that nasty spirit blob is here!" Then Tael sees his sister's concern, assuming they are thinking of the same thing. That spirit blob has a habit of trying to capture fairies and extract their magic!

And with that, Skull Kid's fairy companions take their leave. But no matter, because all the company Skull Kid needs right now is his faithful rubber cucco, which he brought along stuffed full of a special substance that is sure to get the job done.

Volga is resting at the round table with his cup of decaf coffee. He likes it with milk and a small vanilla tang. Cia brews herself a cup while Lana makes waffles beside her. The dragon knight is the first to lay eyes on their visitor. The masked child waves to Volga, receiving an acknowledging nod in return. Volga about alerts Cia to Skull Kid's presence when-

SQUEAK! The rubber cucco bounces off Cia's head. This effectively startles her. Lana is also startled. The dark sorceress whips her head around and bellows, "Wizzro!"

The resting ring wraith jerks awake and tumbles off the couch onto his head. If he had legs, they'd be scrambling to get him up. Eventually he is upright and very much alert. He examines the area for an immediate source of jeopardy, meets eyes with Cia, and asks, "What?"

Lana collects the rubber cucco. She smiles.

"If you wanted Cia's attention," Volga speaks to Skull Kid. "You should have just called her by name."

"But what's the fun in that?" argues Skull Kid.

Cia growls, "That was an immature move! If Volga hadn't had spoken just then, Wizzro would have lost an arm!" This morning has been particular grim for the wizard, first with the wake-up-call, and now this comment.

That's when Lana shoves a plate of waffles in Cia's face. Her grin speaks for her. After a pause, the dark half of the Guardian of Time relaxes. She takes a single waffle and nibbles it plain.

Skull Kid retrieves his rubber cucco, which Lana dropped when she grabbed the waffle plate. "I needed your eyes to look in this, Lana," he says, and he immediately has Lana's full attention. The sneaky child levitates to be eye-to-eye with the white sorceress.

Lana inspects the only orifice in the rubber cucco; a petite oval between the limp legs. The bystanders are in an awkward position.

"I don't see-," and she is abruptly interrupted when Skull Kid crushes the toy with his hands. From it a cloud of black flakes shoots into Lana's face. Her face scrunches as a reaction, her eyes protected by her eyelids.

Cia is aghast. "What was that?! Gunpowder?!"

"Ashes?" Volga suggests.

"The remains of a Gibdo corpse?" You can guess who suggested that. Volga gives him a questioning gaze.

Skull Kid dodges out of the way. Lana sneezes.

Peculiarly, 'Skull Kid' hits the ground instead of using magic to continue levitating. Utter silence follows.

Slowly, 'Lana' looks down. A wave of realization hits, and 'Lana' gasps in despair. "No! Female intimate parts! This is a fate worse than death!" 'Volga' laughs hysterically.

In case it wasn't clear, Lana's voice didn't come out of Lana, but rather Wizzro's voice did. That is when Lana, from another location, says, "That can't be good." Skull Kid's body suddenly jerks up. The voices of two women scream from there. One voice is from Skull Kid's body itself, and the other from the mask. Cia cries, "What is this?!" She gazes at Skull Kid's body from his POV.

"Is it not obvious?" an unfamiliar voice from Cia's body coos.

Wizzro is going to strangle Skull Kid for this! He moves for his target… more like falls towards his target. He has never had legs before, so moving them to go forward is not instinctive. His face, technically Lana's, hits the ground with a smack. Lana saw the fate of her body through the eyes of Majora. She winces. The bodies of Cia and Volga think that was hilarious and laugh accordingly.

Cia gets a glimpse of her own body. It is acting without her consent, which only means someone else is controlling it. So she interrogates, "Hey! Which of you cretins has my body?!"

Her body looks at her and says, "You're in for an experience; you get to see the world from _my_ perspective, or my puppet's perspective, at least." That's when Volga's body stands up. "Majora!" it calls in a child-like voice.

Majora has full control of someone's physical form for the first time in forever. He looks into the eyes of his puppet and says, "We're not small anymore, but that doesn't mean we can't cause trouble."

"You've got to be kidding me," grumbles Volga's voice. Majora's attention moves to the rubber cucco. It is standing on its own. Then Majora chuckles, "Now that's priceless."

Using Lana's arms, Wizzro is able to drag across the ground. When he feels something cold, he shivers. Raising Lana's head, he sees the ring. Without a soul possessing it, it's just a ring. It's strange not being bound to it.

Majora effortlessly strides for the staircase. Skull Kid in Volga's body asks, "Where are you going?"

"And how are you able to use legs?!" adds the immobilized Wizzro.

A first for everyone, the mask spirit is able to give a facial expression. Majora, raising and eyebrow, replies, "My incarnation… I've used limbs before, you know. And as for where I'm going, follow, and you shall learn." He takes a leap of faith, majestically gliding just above the stairs. Cia rushes forward to see what has become of her body after it disappeared below her elevation. She is astonished to learn that Majora didn't get a scratch.

"Skull Kid," Volga calls. "You need to follow Majora. I recommend doing so from the skies."

"The sky?!" Volga can't be serious. The farthest Skull Kid has levitated off the ground is about a foot.

Volga would roll his eyes, but he's currently using immobile, plastic eyes. It's a miracle they work. He says, "You can morph into a dragon."

Skull Kid laughs. "What, no! You're messin' with me!" He continues to laugh until he involuntarily exhales flames. The reality of the situation sets in, and all he can do is gawk with astonishment.

The dark sorceress grows impatient. "Well, what are you waiting for? Majora has a sufficient head start," she states. Lana fully supports Skull Kid.

The forest child nervously steps to the edge of the stairs. He can hear Volga squeak over to his side. The more experienced warrior is calm despite the oddity of the entire situation.

Volga instructs, "It will be easy to summon your inner strength when you are airborne. Don't fight the sensation; let it control you."

Skull Kid takes a deep breath. Then he believes he can. He takes a step back for a good running bound and goes! Gravity is instantaneous, and Skull Kid tumbles against the staircase. Volga would wince if this rubber cucco had any facial muscles. It is about halfway down the staircase that Skull Kid transforms Volga's humanoid form into his true form. The wings catch air in a forwards summersault, and Skull Kid glides off the ground.

The wing movement is natural, and Skull Kid is a flying dragon before he knows it. Granted, that hurt, but he has nonetheless successfully morphed. That was his first try, too! "Hey!" he calls. "Look at me! I'm a dragon!"

"Correction; I'm a dragon. You're a child in a dragon's body. Now go!" commands the great dragon knight. After recalling his objective, Skull Kid quickly discovers how to maneuver in the air and hurries in the general direction he believes Majora went. He couldn't have gotten far in Cia's measly, human body.

Lana is admiring her fellow warrior. Even as a toy Volga manages to exert prowess in leadership, wisdom, and an unmistakable, merited authority. Meanwhile, Wizzro masters the legs he will be using for a while.

Cia spots an inconsistency in plot. She turns to Wizzro. "Why are you struggling now if you took the forms of both Lana _and_ Zelda during the war?" she bluntly questions.

"I hate to admit it, but that was a very observant question, Cia. Unfortunately for us, we are not in the position to question plot development. In other words, shut up." I couldn't have said that better myself, Wizzro.

* * *

It is a beautiful day at Lake Hylia. Princess Ruto and Young Link stretch in preparation for their dance lesson. Darunia prepares by eating. They eagerly await Fi's arrival. She was delayed by King Daphnes, but she is on her way.

Ruto is sliding down into the splits when Fi arrives. She almost has a perfect split. "I have arrived. Class can begin," informs the dance instructor. The very obedient and structured class aligns in a straight line, each about their arm's distance from each other.

Fi observes, "We appear to have an absentee."

"OOO, he's going to miss something important," YL calls like a child calling out that a classmate is in trouble.

"He notified me before committing to my class that his attendance would not be consistent. He, I quote, 'has obligations above personal priorities'," the teacher divulges.

YL snickers, "Yeah, whatever that means."

"Well, Link," Darunia gently reminds. "Sometimes things come up that make us busy, and Zant isn't exempt from those times."

Now it is Ruto's turn to snicker. She subtly insults, "Wow, what a large vocabulary you have. 'Exempt': where'd you learn that one?"

"That's enough, thank you, Ruto." Fi has studied and adopted teacher practices. And they're working. Her class is attentive and ready to learn.

Returning our attention to Majora, we as the readers learn that he is being guided by the beats of the tango. Every step is on point with the rhythm, leading him closer and closer. Fi nor her class seem to notice him walking on the lake.

It isn't until Majora gracefully sidesteps onto the shore that YL notices his presence. "Are you following?" Fi asks YL, but he is fixated by Majora's flawless movements. He, like everyone else will at first glance, believes Majora is Cia. One-by-one, Fi's class and eventually Fi herself turn every ounce of their attention to Majora. Not long after, Skull Kid catches up and discovers how to revert his morph.

The end of the song is too soon, but Majora expected that, and as such ceases to dance when the precise moment the music ceases to play.

Fi gives a singular nod of approval. "Impeccable timing, Ms. Cia."

Darunia shares his opinion outright; "I think she's heard this song before."

Majora is amused. "When you learn to let the music control you, you will be able to dance," he schools. The class is awed.

"Who would have guessed you could dance," whispers Skull Kid as Majora strides past him. The mask comments, "One of the many reasons you should let me have a little more control over you."

* * *

Lana remembered a little while ago that there might be a spell to reverse the effects of her sneeze in her spell book. However, she accidentally forgot it at Hyrule Castle during her last visit. The four mismatched warriors then took their leave of the Valley of Seers with the intentions of returning with the right tools to fix their predicament.

The first responder to the knock at the castle doors is Impa herself. She is met with what appears to be Majora's Mask levitating on its own accord. "We would like to speak with Zelda please," Lana states. Impa examines the company; Majora's Mask, Skull Kid, and Lana, who doesn't appear to be happy. She doesn't look far enough down to see the rubber cucco, so Volga walks in undetected.

"Princess, a special visitor has requested to see you," Impa informs Zelda.

Zelda turns to her other guests and says, "Please excuse me, King Daphnes." The king and other warriors representing the Era of the Great Sea are before her.

Entering the foyer, Zelda is met like Impa was. Her reaction is flinching with a wide-eyed stare. Lana in the mask's body floats before the princess. "Hello again, Princess Zelda," she cheerily greets. "We could really use your help."

Wizzro guffaws. "Actually we just need Lana's spell book back. If you didn't have it, we wouldn't be here," he corrects Lana's statement relaying it to Zelda.

Tetra accompanied Zelda into the foyer, leaving Medli and Toon Link to chat. She crosses her arms and asks, "So now you talk in first _and_ third person?"

"Even if he did, that wouldn't be out-of-place," Cia mutters to herself.

Impa stands beside her princess assessing the situation silently to herself. Then Zelda leans in towards her and asks quietly, "What do I say to the floating mask?" How should Impa know? The general shrugs. She has faith Zelda will think of something.

"So," Zelda awkwardly exclaims. "The legends are true then. You really are a mask with a spirit."

Lana is frightfully confused. Cia's hand hits her face, but in reality it's not her face. Then it clicks, and Lana remembers that she no longer appears as Lana to others. "Oh no no, Zelda! I'm not Majora. I'm just in Majora's Mask."

"Then who the heck are you?" Tetra inquires bluntly.

Impa looks at who she believes to be Skull Kid and asks, "Then where's Majora?!" Cia once again brings her hand to her face.

Tetra looks down at the rubber cucco she didn't know was there until it says, "If you would stop and listen, perhaps we can tell you what happened." Tetra can only stare at the toy that sounds like Volga. After so long it starts to creep her out, so she punts it across the room.

Wizzro finds that funny. "Heh, when he comes back, do that again."

"What in the name of Din," Impa exclaims to herself when she realizes what's going on. "Lana, which body are you in?" "I'm right here," replies the white sorceress in a mask. "Ok, you're the only one Zelda needs to talk to," Impa concludes, forcibly turning Zelda's head so she is looking into the eyes of the mask.

The rubber cucco comes back on its own. "Ok," Tetra says before granting Wizzro's request. "Hey!" shouts Volga in midflight.

It doesn't take long for Zelda to understand the situation and for Volga to get really peeved in the background. Zelda smiles, saying, "Yes, of course Lana! Link has kept it safe since he discovered you left it." She turns to Impa. "Impa, will you please fetch Link?" Impa obliges.

Marin has just entered from the garden. When she's not at the beach or Windfall, she's most likely to be found at Hyrule Castle. The garden in the back is a safe haven for her. She smiles upon entering the busy foyer. Everyone she knows is there! (Not to say those are the only warriors she knows. Just last week she impressed Ganondorf with her origami skills, not to mention the time she was invited to a fairy party by Tatl where she and Tingle were the only humans there. It was culturally educational.)

"Hi Lana!" the dream seagull greets who she believes to be the white sorceress when they meet eyes. Wizzro is offended.

Then he notices that Marin is wearing his hat, the same one he lent her the previous day. "Hey!" he calls. "That's my hat! Where's my trowel and rake?!"

Only one warrior Marin knows would ask for that from her. "Wizzro?" she questions. Has she been deceived? Has his appearance deceived her? Besides just being mean, why would he do that to her?

He releases his breath in a defeated exhale. "Yes, I'm stuck in Lana's body," he confirms. Never before has he had bangs falling into his face.

"Did Lana ever end up sneezing? Is this what happens when Lana sneezes?"

"This is the worst of what happens when Lana sneezes," the wizard replies. Then he feigns a smile. "Aren't you a clever one?"

Marin smirks, her dark side showing. She snickers before saying, "Cool."

Cia gasps. She interrogates, "It was _you_ who told Skull Kid to make Lana sneeze, wasn't it!?"

"I just told him I wouldn't open any flowers because Lana would sneeze," Marin replies indifferently with a shrug. Then in the style of Cia she puts one hand on her hip and points with the other, saying, "That must mean you're Cia."

Tetra has to chuckle. "Whoa, where did this come from? If you put her hair up in a bun and gave her glasses she'd be a cold secretary with hypnosis."

"Why hypnosis?" asks Volga. Tetra shrugs. She was making a reference, but nobody got it.

Then Link arrives carrying Lana's spell book, but he didn't manage to evade his previous incarnation from the Era of the Great Sea and the Sage of Earth. He relinquishes the hardcover to its rightful owner's body. Wizzro will happily take that off of Link's hands.

Other than Link stepping on Volga and jumping in surprise, the remainder of the visit was short and sweet. Zelda wishes her friends luck and Lana promises to visit soon after their predicament is resolved. On the way out, Marin has Wizzro's hat whisked away from her by none other than Wizzro himself. Using only his will he pulls the hat clean off Marin's head and into his hand like a magnet. His taunt—putting on the hat and sticking out his tongue with a smirk—is the last thing Marin sees as the castle doors close with the party on the outside.

* * *

The Twilight Princess doesn't understand when who she believes to be Cia attempts to fantasize what it would feel like upon her face. Ever since 'she' stepped into the throne room, something has been terribly off, which has put Midna on the defensive.

Majora is distracted when he hears the powerful beats of Skull Kid's wings. The mask spirit looks over its shoulder at the doorway and mumbles to nobody in particular, "I thought I lost him, persistent little thing." Majora is met with a fist to the side of the face, stumbling out of the throne room as a result. Skull Kid morphs back into Volga's human form in time to watch Majora spill into the floor.

Midna's magical hair returns to its semi-normal state, considering her hair isn't "normal" as an imp to begin with. Majora isn't amused; he didn't like that one bit. Yet, he smiles. "Hey Skull Kid," he speaks to his friend. "Do you wanna see something cool?"

"Is it as cool as this?" Skull Kid proceeds to dab.

"Ok, that was pretty sweet," Majora admits while standing up. He examines Cia's clothes briefly before making a decision. With a wicked chuckle, two tentacle arms grow from the sides of Cia's body directly under the ribcage. The arms lack hands, but they are considerably more flexible than the original arms. Additionally two more limbs sprout for leg usages within the skirt. Majora asks, "But how much cooler would it be to do that with five more limbs?"

As disturbed as Skull Kid is, Midna is twice as disturbed. She officially decides that this is the second most disturbing thing she has ever seen, the first being that prank where Ruto climbed out of an incision in Darunia's stomach… only to learn that it wasn't a prank. The third most disturbing thing Midna has ever seen was Link and Tingle and riding Epona in only their underwear, (don't ask why).

"Oookkkaaayyy," utters Skull Kid. "I think maybe it's time to see if our friends have made any progress." With that being said, he picks up Majora by the waist and hauls the mask spirit over his shoulder. Much to his surprise, Majora doesn't fight back.

The Twilight Princess doesn't know what to make of her brief experience. She isn't quite sure if anything she just saw was real… Maybe she should see a psychologist about that.

* * *

Lana forgot she doesn't have limbs. She exclaims "aw crap" after her spell book smacks onto the ground. Wizzro's attempt to give Lana the spell book was unsuccessful. "How in hexes am I going to pick that up without arms?" she asks nobody in particular.

"Why are there so many cuccos?!" The dark sorceress has taken the attendance of one man in a rubber cucco and several actual cuccos; her reaction is similar to a teacher's upon discovering there is a student in the class that shouldn't be there. It's the "why are you lost?" reaction. Volga reveals that the cuccos followed him docilely, so he didn't think anything of it.

Not surprisingly, all four warriors quickly become haplessly distracted with their personal affairs: Lana attempting to open a book with no limbs, Cia and Volga herding cuccos, and Wizzro examining the human body in further detail. (The anatomies of the different species of Hyrule have fascinated him since the beginning of his time.) Nobody notices Skull Kid romantically carrying Majora up the staircase like a scene from one of the warrior's fantasies about VolgaXCia. Linkle had a dream about that once and woke up with flushed cheeks.

Majora laughs at Lana and captions as a statement, "Welcome to my world." Skull Kid knows how to handle the cucco infestation; he roars with the back of Volga's throat, effectively frightening the birds away. Cia is able to focus her mind now that the primary issue is settled. Unfortunately, however, because of that she gets a glimpse of Majora retracting the extra limbs he grew. She honestly doesn't want to know anything about that; she knows it might scare her if she were to know.

Volga is the first to speak up about the situation, saying, "We are all accounted for. Take this opportunity to reverse your sneeze's effect, Lana!"

Aghast, Majora gasps. "No!" Then he scowls. "I don't know how your sneeze got me out of that mask, but I'm not going back!"

"I thought you _were_ the mask," Skull Kid thinks aloud. Wizzro, a literally manifestation of multiple souls, knows what he's talking about when he says, "Skull Kid, when someone is given a name, the name isn't given to the body, but the soul. You would think this entire experience would have taught you that."

Cia guffaws. "That's the smartest thing you've said this entire story." She expects him to respond with confusion, but he doesn't give her the satisfaction of that. And does she really think he's an idiot? The fourth wall isn't exactly a secret.

When seemingly nobody is paying attention, Majora takes a leap of faith with the intention of getting down the stairs fast. But Skull Kid's reaction time is magnificent, giving him the ability to snag Majora's arm out of the air. If Skull Kid was his normal weight he would have been pulled down the stairs, but Volga's body has more girth. Majora is pulled into Skull Kid's clutches. He won't go back to the mask without a fight! Skull Kid actually finds it difficult to keep Majora from wriggling from his grasp; this is the first time Majora has desperately attempted to _escape_ Skull Kid.

The tension escalated faster than Zant can spin. Cia is the first responder to the crisis, diving for the spell book. The moment she plucks it from the ground she rips it open in search of the right spell. Lana wants her spell book back, so influenced by panic she gets in Cia's way, literally getting in front of her face. Wizzro knows that neither of them can read, so he attempts to take the book. The book becomes a rope in a game of tug-o-war. "I need you, Majora!" Skull Kid cries, perfectly accenting the suspense of the chaos.

Fortunately, fate takes a turn for the better. Volga makes a daring decision that can either resolve the petty catfight or rip the cover off Lana's spell book. Property damage is not Volga's best interest, but it's worth the risk. He moves under the moving book as best he can and basically head-butts it with as much force as he can muster, which is actually quite a lot for the body he is currently possessing.

This is successful, and in an unlikely turn of events, that aroused magic in the enchanted pages. Light temporarily blinds everyone looking at the airborne tome, and they react like someone getting their eyes flashed from a photo would.

Lana is hit the head, the hardcover falling even further until it hits the ground, where it can fall no farther. She doesn't realize it, but she rubs a full head of hair with a fully functional arm and hand combo. Instead, her brain recognizes three objects on the ground: a rubber cucco, Majora's Mask, and the same object that smacked her in the head from the heavens.

Skull Kid is almost positive he didn't teleport, or at least not willingly. Oh! Never mind, he knows what's going on. Wait—where's Majora?! He almost misses the mask looking around so frantically, but he does see it and quickly reclaims it. He shows Majora some love first with a hug. Majora gives a silent sigh of acceptance. Then Skull Kid dawns his notable mask once again. That's much better.

Everyone else seems to recognize they have returned to normal simultaneously. Lana giggles, joyous as usual. Cia flinches upon realizing where she stands. "G-get your hands off of me!" she demands the dragon knight. He couldn't help that his body was holding Cia's before he reclaimed it. He releases her as she pushes away, resulting in her tumbling backwards towards the steps. Lucky for her, Volga catches her. He pulls her to flat ground before respecting her wishes in full. She is a little shaken, but manages to thank him nonetheless.

The white sorceress almost has a heart attack when her ring finger is shaken. Horrified, she tears the ring off that finger and tosses it to the ground. He's a little stunned as well, but he recovers without a problem, taking his robed form.

Lana scolds, "Don't do that!" What was Wizzro supposed to do? He wasn't going to let Lana wear him around. (Only Cia is allowed to wear him.)

"Well," Skull Kid mutters. "That was convenient." "No kidding. That was so easy there must be a catch," Lana agrees. Cia warns, "Don't jinx it." "Hiya heh! Too late, it's already jinxed," Wizzro remarks. Volga looks at Skull Kid and asks, "What gave you the idea to make Lana sneeze?" That sounded rather angry to Skull Kid, so he defends, "I just wanted to see what would happen! You can't blame me for curiosity!"

Lana looks at the entrance. Then Cia does the same. Eventually all of them are looking at Marin at the entrance. She shrugs. She was actually coming to return Wizzro's rake and trowel, then she heard Skull Kid yell for Majora during the commotion and hurried there. So, either way she was coming. Wizzro takes back his stuff... but, what did he do with his hat. He was last wearing it in Lana's body... but it's not there… Huh…

Speaking of Lana, she picks up Skull Kid's rubber cucco and examines it. "What was in this thing anyways?" She brings it a little close to her nose.

* * *

Author's Notes- Thanks to killerpokeball97 for the suggestion that heavily inspired this story. I loved the suggestion because it was so detailed. It challenged me to link (no pun intended) unrelated topics, like Marin's singing and a rubber cucco. I'd be ecstatic if I could get more creative and detailed suggestions in the future.


	10. Story 10

10\. Three vs. The Imprisoned

Tetra mimics the stomp of a Goron who's preparing for a sumo match over the Sacred Grounds. Nearby, Medli is examining the scenery. She gently plucks at one string of her harp while she does so. She admits that she is a tad nervous. Should they be here? Is Tetra being disrespectful by stomping at the very bottom of the spiral slope? As the Sage of Earth, Medli is receiving vibes from the dirt below her feet. Surely, there is something special about this area.

Trouble in a straw hat makes its unexpected and grand entrance at just about this time. The forest child's feet scurry in reverse while the child himself rides the barrel forwards. He is pulled by gravity down the curved hill. Similar to riding a bike, he leans with it, not against it, miraculously sustaining balance.

Medli has been watching him in suspense ever since she heard him at the level ground; however, she still has to dodge him at the last second before getting bowled over. Tetra pays no mind to it, and thankfully she didn't have to. If she had been a foot to the right she would have been in his path. He was laughing on the way down, but now he can't stop. Skull Kid bashes flat into the dirt wall.

Tetra can't read the ancient text on the miniature obelisk standing in the dead center of the elliptical arena. She is tempted to give up, or at least come back later with the encyclopedia of the warriors, Fi.

Skull Kid chuckles as he approaches. "I'd bet you wouldn't want to touch that stick knowing how many dogs have peed on it." Tetra isn't fazed; she has put things in her mouth more disgusting than canine urine. Then she looks at the imp and asks, "Do you know any dogs that have peed on this thing?"

"Well, I can name one guy that tried. He stood there for about five minutes wringing out an already empty bladder before giving up to try again another day," Skull Kid replies before giggling. Medli narrows her eyes and says, "Only you would do something like. And that's sick." The prankster is full-on laughing now.

Tetra releases a sigh of defeat. She admits, "I don't think we're going to find anything of interest here. They say this place is a prison, but for what I can't figure out. I was hoping treasure or something of equal value." Why she says all of this is to answer Medli's question from when they first arrived.

Skull Kid is getting incoming information straight to his brain. His interest is spiked. "You're not wrong," he reveals. "Majora says he can feel a seal."

"A seal?" inquires Medli. Tetra steps towards Skull Kid while she deduces, "All glue comes loose with something. What do we have to do? Pull the master sword or something?"

Skull Kid proceeds to have a telepathic conversation with his mask. He abruptly whips around, retrieves his bruised barrel, and places it over the pillar. He looks very accomplished.

There is a moment of silence.

"Great! So we've established that it can be hidden," Tetra flippantly declares. Medli utters, "UH… was there a purpose for that?" Skull Kid nods and replies, "That's for privacy. Majora is going to break the seal." Tetra and Medli watch as Majora separates from Skull Kid and disappears under the barrel.

Tetra's hand begins to glow. The Triforce of Wisdom is removed from her and pulled under the barrel. Skull Kid assures her that Majora just needs to borrow it real quick. Medli urges Tetra to call it back, but Tetra refuses. She actually wants this seal broken, and if her Triforce piece can be of assistance, she'll let Majora do whatever he needs to do with it.

Majora returns, taking its place over Skull Kid's face. The Triforce of Wisdom is also returned to Tetra. Skull Kid attempts to move the barrel, but Majora assures that the barrel doesn't need to be moved.

…

…

"Well, this is a waste of time," Tetra bluntly states. Skull Kid agrees with her. Then he shrugs and says, "Good try, Majora." Majora feels mocked. Putting her hands in her pockets, Tetra starts to leave. Skull Kid follows closely behind. As he passes a stationary Medli, Majora strums a single string of her harp.

Ugh, she hates it when Skull Kid messes with her. But this gets her thinking—if something, like a spirit, is really here she should pay her respects. She reaches over her shoulder and brings her harp to her front. She plays the only notes of a mournful Rito song she knows.

Just as she starts to play again, an earthquake occurs. It doesn't stop. The ground under Medli starts to rise. She hurls herself towards the only other warriors present, but doesn't nearly reach them. She moves just far enough not to be swallowed by The Imprisoned as it emerges from the ground. Medli pushes herself into a sitting position as she frightfully gazes at the beast. Tetra and Skull Kid have both turned around to face the monstrosity in the same manner as Medli.

Meanwhile, in the depths of Faron Woods, Midna is mocking Ghirahim straight to his face. She has dawned his cape and begins to stomp around announcing, "Never fear, the fabulous Ghirahim is here. My complexion is so pale that my opponents are blinded. My dance moves pick up chicks about as well as Tingle does."

Ghirahim rolls his eyes. He'll let Midna have the maximum amount of fun she can out of this. He defames himself by saying, "No, Tingle can pick up babes better than my dance moves." Midna's grin could span all of Hyrule. Ghirahim shakes his head with a smirk; he has amused himself. "Now wipe that grin off your face. You look ridiculous," he playfully demands.

A strong presence makes itself known to Ghirahim. He feels it deep in his bones, but he can't identify where it's coming from. He must find the source of this familiar vibe before Lord Ganondorf does, or worse, Princess Zelda. He simply snaps his finger, and his cape reappears on him. Midna now lacks a cape. The demon lord begins to charge through the forest with a purpose.

"You realize I was only teasing you, right? Your dance moves aren't actually that bad!" Midna calls after him. She hurriedly follows.

Back at the Sealed Grounds, the ground ceases to tremble when The Imprisoned has risen completely from the dirt. All three warriors are motionless in awe.

The beast lifts its foot to step forward. Skull Kid is the first to flee. Medli is paralyzed with fear. Tetra grabs the Rito by the arm and hauls her out from under the creature's foot before she is squashed. Medli's flight response kicks in, but instead of flying, she just runs beside Tetra. The girls follow Skull Kid up the spiral, and The Imprisoned keeps a sharp eye on them.

Instinctively, Skull Kid takes shelter in the Temple Entrance. The pirate captain and Sage of Earth do the same. Despite the methodical stomp of the great monster outside, it is quite peaceful in there.

"Majora, what did you do?!" cries Skull Kid. Medli attempts to find her happy place before she has a panic attack. Tetra's experience with surprises gives her the advantage; she is not afraid. Taking charge, she turns to Skull Kid. "By the looks of things, we weren't supposed to mess with that."

"You think?!"

"Ask your cursed mask how to fix this mess!" Tetra commands.

Skull Kid is already getting telepathically scolded by his mask. "But it was your idea!" he rebuttals. Like a telephone call, Tetra can only hear Skull Kid's side of the conversation. "But… All of my ideas are great!... No, you shut up!" This is getting nowhere.

Medli has been watching the entrance doors, which were left ajar. She hasn't found her happy place, and now she'll never find her happy place. She screams preemptively, anticipating the monster biting the ancient roof off the temple. Only the small bits of rubble hit the children, fortunately. Going farther into the temple would only back them into a corner, and Tetra knows this. Medli and Skull Kid take refuge behind Tetra.

Tetra does the only thing she knows to do—shoot at it! She swiftly takes the pistol from her back and fires a single bullet without aiming. That shot was lucky; it hits and destroys The Imprisoned's middle toe on its right foot. Startled, the monster moves away from the crumbling doorway.

Medli makes sure to point out the obvious; "Look! That pushed it back!"

Tetra, the self-appointed leader, yells, "That's the strategy! Destroy its toes, or, whatever those things are! Shatter its white appendages!" Medli is concerned, asking, "But what if that hurts it?" Tetra replies with "Who cares?!"

Skull Kid is willing to take a chance after he is urged to by his spirit companion. He dashes between The Imprisoned's legs and makes it to the other side unscathed. But his move doesn't go unnoticed. The Imprisoned jumps and rotates 180 degrees; in other words, now it's facing Skull Kid. Tetra takes this opportunity to take the long way out of the temple, taking Medli with her. Skull Kid considers getting down with the stairs, but why do that when gravity is so much faster?

The Imprisoned watches as Skull Kid hurls himself towards the middle of the battlefield, dropping several feet. He only reaches the halfway point with his jump; he's not a professional long-jumper. He stumbles forward upon landing on his feet only one level below. There is a nasty crack from his left ankle, which didn't feel good. Nonetheless, he keeps going, managing to tumble to the lowest level and roll to the middle.

That distance is no problem for The Imprisoned. It could make that jump without knees! And it does. Skull Kid rolls onto his back at the same time he is shaded by the airborne beast. He doesn't have time to move, but Majora has time to produce tentacles and guard its host. This is a lot of pressure on just a mask. Skull Kid doesn't miss a beat, scooting out from under his mask and scurrying into the light. With nothing below him, Majora can relax. He is crushed in a moment's noticed. Skull Kid stares with his mouth agape. In a comedic turn of events, he looks down to see Majora miraculously at his feet. The kid is content to pick it up and return it to his face. His comrades finally join him. Medli looks a little winded, but Tetra appears as if she could dash another mile. She's pumped.

With the trio as a team, it doesn't take much effort to destroy the toes one-by-one. Medli gets a little too close, and when it is time to move back, she doesn't move back far enough. Skull Kid gasps, because from his angle she's going to get crushed. By chance, she was positioned just right so that she is wedged between its toes. With her limited bicep strength, she manages to create enough room between her and the toe so that she can strum her harp, causing a shockwave that shatters the toes imprisoning her.

Tetra dives behind the monster when all six front toes are gone. She thought it might topple over forwards, but then discovers that they missed a couple. "Ugh! This thing has eight toes, not six!"

"I have ten!"

"If you make one more stupid comment like that, Skull Kid, you're going to have less than ten toes! Do you understand me?!" Tetra bellows. Skull Kid has nothing more to say, but he still thought that was funny.

Medli delivers the final blow with her hair, go figure. Her ponytail inflicted damage to the final toe and caused it to burst as she was whipping around. The Imprisoned topples forward like a bookshelf in a library, except without the books. Skull Kid dodges epically with a summersault forward right back onto his feet. The Imprisoned creates a breeze as it hits the ground, giving Skull Kid the impression that he is standing in front of a wicked explosion. Tetra wants to hit the creature from above, maybe drill that pillar into its brain. She runs at Skull Kid, giving him the brief instruction to "give me a boost!"

Tetra leaps into Skull Kid's extended palms, and he tosses her over his head. Tetra scales the pillar, but not the entirety of The Imprisoned. She rolls to a stop on the back of the monster before running back in the direction she came from. The pillar is still hidden inside of Skull Kid's barrel, but Tetra doesn't see that as an inconvenience; in fact, she uses that to her advantage. She manages to climb on top of the barrel, in spite of the fact that it is being suspended by its rim by the tip of the pillar. She delivers a hardy jump, and the pillar is drilled just an inch into the beasts head. The barrel is now level.

The Imprisoned doesn't appreciate that. It flings Tetra forward, effectively paralyzing her temporarily. Medli rushes to help, reaching Tetra just in time to carry the pirate captain away from the charging Imprisoned. Tetra regains control of her limbs and grabs Medli's foot, at which point Medli can lift herself and her passenger to the skies and out of harm's immediate way. In case you were curious, Skull Kid ascended the spiral straightaway after assisting Tetra.

Ghirahim and Midna arrive at about this time. Ghirahim is puzzled and embarrassed at the same time—how could these three infants summon The Imprisoned so easily? The first feature Midna notices about the beast is its full set of teeth. It has three rows of daggers! Midna's pearly whites among a fang look like the gums of a frog in comparison.

The Imprisoned would rather not pursue a chase up the slope. It stops. The children regroup to celebrate, but this moment is fleeting. The Imprisoned refuses to crawl around, so it generates a pair of arms to get itself upright. The warriors drop their shoulders in realization that this fight isn't over. Tetra mutters a sailor swearword that would give King Daphnes a heart attack.

The Imprisoned takes a swing at the little warriors. Tetra calls, "Duck!" Medli was once again frozen in fear, so she is hit. The force is similar to being hit by a car on the highway. The Rito girl is airborne for most of the launch, but travels further tumbling on the ground.

The demon lord appears in a display of diamonds behind Tetra. He says, "Forgive me, my lord, but was that not a little excessive? They're only children." Tetra gasps, whipping her head around to see the source of the voice. He chuckles.

Skull Kid puts himself between the great beast and the winged girl. It leans in close enough to where its warm breath feels like the desert wind on Skull Kid's bare arms. The kid's eyes water from the stench of rotting corpses.

Ghirahim gets a good look at the monstrosity when it leans close to Skull Kid. His shoulders slump at a random discovery. "Why is there a barrel on your head? That doesn't suit as headwear for you at all." And with that said, Ghirahim leaps skyward without so much as a propellant under him. As suavely as an anime butler, he sends daggers into the barrel, knocking it clear off the pillar and The Imprisoned's noggin. If he couldn't do that, what kind of demon sword would he be?

From a short distance away, Tetra can be heard calling, "Heads up!" The Imprisoned falls for the power of suggestion, lifting its head. Its lip is blasted with a bomb about the size of Tetra's head. Tetra had catapulted that bomb from the Groosenator in the West Canon Keep.

She loads up for another go. With five bombs in the catapult, she prepares to launch. Unfortunately, she can't think of a good one-liner, so she just fires. The Imprisoned attempts to swat at the bombs, but this proves to be beneficial for the warriors, as swatting the explosives only damaged The Imprisoned's fingers. Ghirahim doesn't like where this battle is going.

Skull Kid knows a distraction when he sees one. She takes this opportunity to move Medli out of harm's way. He picks up Medli like he once picked up Majora while the spirit was in Cia's body. At the time, Skull Kid himself was in Volga's body, so it wasn't hard. He runs as fast as he can, but his upper body strength is a little on the lacking side. The Imprisoned attempts to swipe the kid off his feet, but thank goodness for Majora, because it warns Skull Kid to duck. He does, but he trips and collapses on Medli's unconscious body. This is when Tetra takes a daring shot with the Groosenator. It is a fortuitous direct hit; there is a reason Tetra is one of the most feared pirates on the Great Sea.

The Imprisoned has lost its fingers. Ghirahim can't believe how redoubtable these kids are. Perhaps his master won't mind if he steps in. Ghirahim takes a step forward. Tetra doesn't have time to run around him, so she takes the middle passage, going between the demon lord's legs. He is startled by her hair brushing his inner thigh. She takes a running jump for the monster, stabbing a single toe with immense force. It bursts, of course. By the time Ghirahim remembers what he was doing, Majora has already decided that he is a threat. The demon lord finds himself doing the limbo under Majora's laser.

Tetra makes short work of The Imprisoned's toes. She has done so once before, so the second time is a piece of cake. However, then the beast tumbles, Tetra is lucky that pressing herself against the wall gave her just enough room to avoid being crushed. Standing above her on the edge is Skull Kid. With Majora's surprising power, he summons a meteor from just outside the atmosphere. The meteor shatters on The Imprisoned's pillar, sending bits of rock across the grounds.

Medli regains consciousness as Skull Kid gives the cry of a victorious wild banshee. She is mostly confused with a headache, and just slightly disturbed. Tetra sidles her way out from between the wall and The Imprisoned before dashing up the slope. Majora alerts Skull Kid to Medli. He watches as his comrade stands rather weakly. "You missed it," Skull Kid informs. "We took it down!" Medli smiles.

Ghirahim fled to the temple. He had to stop and gape at the decimated entrance before going inside. He has a feeling that Fi is going to be truly outraged when she discovers the ruins of this millenniums-old foyer. He begins to observe the grounds from the Hall of Time, hoping his presence there might aid his king somehow. Perhaps a ritual would be helpful right now.

Tetra comes to halt when her peripheral vision picks up movement from the scaled behemoth. She gazes in awe as it stands once again. She is also at the appropriate angle to witness The Imprisoned grow a tail. Tetra slowly ascends the spiral slope, her gaze still firmly on The Imprisoned. Medli and Skull Kid, too, are gazing and trembling. And to add insult to failure, The Imprisoned begins to fly.

Skull Kid is ready to go to bed. He's just done at this point. He cries out in frustration. With a sigh, Tetra begins to dash for the West Cannon Keep. Medli keeps a cool composer; in fact, she looks rather determined. She boldly states, "I was completely useless earlier, but this is my chance at redemption!" And with that, she takes the sky. Skull Kid reaches out for her, concerned. It's like the four giants all over again, except there is only one Medli.

After everything that has happened, The Imprisoned has finally recognized its opponents as formidable, and decides to reveal its true might. Tetra approaches the West Cannon Keep. The Imprisoned can afford to ignore Medli for thirty seconds as it charges a laser beam. The ritual being performed in the Hall of Time by a particular demon sword provides a boost to the laser that allows The Imprisoned to fire it five seconds early. Those five seconds were the difference between Tetra arriving at the keep, and her not before the laser obliterates it and the Groosenator within. Skull Kid witnesses a real explosion behind his back. He has to place a hand on his hat to keep it from being whisked away in the scorching wind. Tetra is thrown a few feet back the way she came, but otherwise unharmed.

Midna has discovered another cannon keep. She calls upon the only available warrior at the moment, Skull Kid. He begins to run for the keep, but Majora knows a shortcut. As Midna reenters the keep, she discovers that Skull Kid beat her there. She doesn't ask questions; instead, she points to the remaining Groosenator. "We need to figure out how to fire that thing!"

Skull Kid laughs. "Figuring stuff out is what I do!"

That pirate captain has been nothing but trouble this entire brawl. The Imprisoned decides that she needs to go. It begins to charge another laser. Tetra sits up, her head throbbing. In retrospect, she's glad she was a little slow on that last dash; otherwise, she might have been up in flames from the explosion. But she's not in the clear; she takes attention to her oversized opponent to realize she is being targeted. Naturally, she hurries to get out of range of the next blast. For its size and power, The Imprisoned has a good aim. It doesn't manage to hit its dashing target, but the blast radius does send Tetra forward towards the center of the grounds. She descends a level.

Meanwhile, the imps haven't yet found the mechanism to trigger the catapult. It is locked in the ready position. Skull Kid is rubbing his rear end on the hinge, hoping to loosen a spring or something. To be honest, he knows what he's doing is pretty much useless, but it's funny nevertheless. Midna angrily kicks the side of the machine with no effect except for hurting her foot.

A feather Medli lost in mid-flight has been carried by the breeze to the East Cannon Keep, where it gently perches on the Groosenator. Like magic, it triggers. The arm swings up, pinching the seat of Skull Kid's pants between the frame and the arm. He squeals; if you've ever been pinched in the butt, you know what he just experienced. Midna, full of surprise, suddenly lifts her head. She heard the machine act, though it had nothing to fling. And speaking of ammunition, Midna notices that they have none.

Skull Kid is struggling. He grumbles, "Let go." The machine has a firm grip on his trousers, and it isn't letting loose. Midna cries, "There's no ammo!" "Help! It's got my pants!" calls the younger imp. Midna closes her eyes tightly in desperation to think of a solution. Then Skull Kid yells, "I can't move!" In that moment, Midna's brain hatches an idea like a cucco hatches from an egg. She looks at Skull Kid and suggests, "Just take them off!"

The enemy pirates have never shot at Tetra with their cannons when she was right on top of them, so maybe The Imprisoned won't be able to aim for her if she is directly under it. She positions herself there. Ghirahim, observing this from the safety of the temple, chuckles. He remembers his master well enough to predict how he'll handle the situation. And sure enough, Ghirahim's prediction isn't wrong. The Imprisoned simply stops hovering. The shadow around Tetra quickly grows. She notices in the nick of time, sparing her a crushing demise. She is nearly crushed by the foot of the beast, but slides out from under like a runner in baseball slides to home base. On its way down, the arm of The Imprisoned nearly took Medli with it. She spun in the air several rotations before stopping herself. She may have stopped spinning, but her world hasn't. Her eyes see the world in rapid rotation. The Imprisoned rises off the ground again to see if it can't smash Tetra.

"I am ammunition!" calls a familiar voice, then the sound of the Groosenator. Skull Kid is airborne like a rocket. He announces as he flies, "And I'm not wearing any pants!" Sure enough, those didn't come loose until the rebound of the launch, where the machine seemingly spit them out. Midna, currently accompanied by Majora, finds it ironic that the pants are loose now.

The Imprisoned has a little parasite on its head. Skull Kid landed there and held tight to the pillar. The beast shakes as vigorously as it can, and despite its lack of speed, the effect is no less powerful. Skull Kid grips to the pillar for dear life. The art of playing woodwind instruments (plus the trumpet, which is technically a brass instrument) has strengthened his fingers. This momentary distraction has not only allowed Tetra a breather, but opened an opportunity for Medli to make quick work of The Imprisoned's toes.

"No, no no!" The demon lord is spectating in anguish. "This is the strongest form he can obtain under the goddesses curse, yet somehow three, inexperienced juveniles are besting him! It's like everyone is born the legendary hero now!"

The Imprisoned increases its altitude. Medli follows it easily. Skull Kid has never been above the trees; he has only ever climbed to the treetops. He realizes just how dangerous this is. Without his mask, he'll fall to the ground like a rock. And without his pants, he doesn't have a parachute.

Medli has never dodged in the air quite as vigorously as she is right now. That is not to say she doesn't enjoy it. The adrenaline is empowering, as if she was invincible. She is even receiving assistance from the ground; Tetra is using her expert gunmanship to target and blast the monster's fingers.

Midna left the cannon keep in search of Ghirahim. Her trustworthy canine companion, Shade the Twilight Wolf, leads the way right to him. He has a distinct scent—a mixture of his natural aroma and his cologne that he reapplies once a week—that Shade would be able to pick up in a snowstorm.

She arrives at the Hall of Time just in time to witness a great victory. Ghirahim falls to his knees when the last of The Imprisoned's appendages are shattered. Like the toes and fingers, hope of victory for the cursed demon king has also shattered.

Cascading towards the ground, The Imprisoned finally rids itself of the little troublemaker. Skull Kid is hurled westward. At his speed of descent an abrupt landing will devastate his internal organs as well as any bones in direct contact with the ground. Lucky for him, Majora has a conscience and an array of magical abilities. The mask teleports to its chosen puppet, and it didn't forget to bring that puppet's shorts. Skull Kid graciously accepts his clothing, puts it back on, and returns Majora to its place over his face. He slows immensely, eventually approaching the ground at the speed of a falling feather.

As this was happening, Tetra removed herself as hastily as possible from under The Imprisoned. Medli has the strength to deliver the final blow to the pillar. She dives into it as instructed by one of the many Rito warriors, as not to injure herself. The pillar is jabbed the final length into The Imprisoned. The monster returns to its prison underground, the seal strengthened once again.

Freed and resealed by the same children on the same day. That sucks!

The exhausted trio collapse on the ground together right where they started. Tetra gives a hardy sea laugh, for they have won. Medli lifts a fist to the sky before allowing her arm to go limp. She can't believe the day isn't even half over yet.

The Twilight Princess herself appears from a Twilight Portal. She rests a hand on the pillar as she acclaims the young warriors. Ghirahim, too, appears seemingly from thin air. He has one question; "I must know which one of you summoned The Imprisoned."

The warriors sit up. Tetra points fingers. "Me?!" Skull Kid cries as he jumps up. "I didn't do it! Majora did it!"

"Isn't that thing your responsibility?" Tetra accuses. She stands to face her accused.

Skull Kid remembers distinctly what happened. He claims, "Majora wouldn't have been able to summon that thing if _you_ hadn't given him your shiny triangle!"

Medli stands calmly. "Wait, let's analyze this. First Majora went under the barrel, asked for Tetra's Triforce, and then nothing happened. We were leaving when it burst out of the ground. Was that just a late reaction?" she deduces.

Tetra's eyes squint. "You weren't walking with us, though. You stopped to stare at it and…" Tetra trails off. Skull Kid points fingers as Tetra remembers and announces that Medli played her harp just before The Imprisoned crawled out of the dirt.

Medli's defense is Ghirahim's next statement: "It isn't possible that a simple tune would have awakened my master. There had to be stronger magic at work." So Skull Kid and Tetra turn on each other, since they each possess a powerful relic. In an ironic twist, it is Tetra that tackles the forest child to the ground. They tussle fist-to-fist as Medli watches from the sidelines in horror.

Midna shrugs. She meets eyes with Ghirahim. Now before all of this, where were they?

* * *

Author's Notes- I'm having a little too much fun with Skull Kid. Suggestions please, if you have any. And if any "would you rather" questions for the warriors come to mind, don't hesitate to share them. That is all.


	11. Story 11

11\. I Overheard That!

Imagine Link is on the opposite side of Hyrule Field, and Zelda needs to inform him of something. How does that message get across? Wonder no longer—the answer is gossip stones! Those little, rocklike gems in _The Wind Waker_ that both Tetra and Toon Link possess act as radios on the battlefield. All of the warriors possess one.

Tetra is like a child with a walkie-talkie. Children use their toy walkie-talkies to listen in on conversations amongst truckers. By simply turning the knob, they can hone in on signals broadcasted by one trucker and learn quite a deal of information, even if they don't understand it. Tetra uses her gossip stone similarly. As a pastime, Tetra sits around with a notebook, pen, and her gossip stone to listen into her fellow warriors while they are on and off the battlefield.

The warriors think their conversations are private, but Tetra knows differently. Let's take a peek at some of Tetra's findings:

 **Start**

Tetra tunes into a channel with her gossip stone one morning at the crack of dawn.

 _Lana_ : "Cia, are you there?"

 _Cia_ : "Lana, the sun hasn't even breached the horizon yet! What do you want?"

 _Lana_ : "I just thought you might want to know where I am."

 _Cia_ : "…Do I sound like I care where you are right now?"

 _Lana_ : An eerie silence on her end. "I…"

 _Cia_ : "Goodbye Lana."

 **Cute Sound Effect Scene Change**

There is crisis at Twilight Field. Linkle is on her way to help, if Tetra understands correctly.

 _Linkle_ : "Hang in there! I'm coming!"

 _Link_ : "Linkle, I've got this!"

 _Proxi_ : "Yeah, Link's got this!"

 _Linkle_ : "No, I'm coming to help!"

 _Proxi_ : "Nobody asked for your help, Linkle!"

 _Linkle_ : Offended. "W-well, I'm pretty sure Link didn't ask for your help!"

 _Link_ : "Here Proxi, take this! I don't have time for this!" It sounds as if he hands it off to Proxi.

 _Proxi_ : Falls under the weight of the stone. "Aahh!"

 _Linkle_ : Laughs. Then she stops. "UH… where am I?"

Tetra assumes Linkle has just gotten herself lost again. Then she turns around. Linkle is outside her window.

 **Cute Sound Effect Scene Change**

Now for one Tetra wasn't too interested in from the start, but only got worse over time, and she still listened in.

 _Zelda_ : "I can't decide, Ruto! Do I buy the slimming dark blue dress or the green and gray with the frilly v-neck?"

 _Ruto_ : "You know I'm always going to say blue. Is there anyone there with you?"

 _Zelda_ : "Only Agitha, but she's at her favorite store."

 _Ruto_ : "Go model both dresses to her and see what she says."

 _Zelda_ : "There is a reason I'm asking you, Ruto. Sometimes Agitha wouldn't know fashion if it hit her in the face."

 _Ruto_ : Laughing. "All right, good point." There is a pause. "Hey, while I've got your attention, be honest with me. Am I getting fatter?"

 _Zelda_ : Aghast. "What?! Who told you that?!"

 _Ruto_ : "Well, I was launched into Darunia the other day, and after picking me up, he said with a smile that he actually felt me that time. Does that mean I'm gaining weight?"

Tetra's head hits the desk. She would love to say that it's okay to be heavier than a feather, but that would give her away.

 _Zelda_ : "No! No, of course not!" Then Zelda pauses. "Are you… usually launched into Darunia?"

 _Ruto_ : Laughing. "Well actually, yeah. That seems to be a running gag with me. One time Ganondorf put me in the Groosenator, launched me, and Darunia was right there. He got a face full of me that day. Young Link thought it was hilarious."

 _Zelda_ : "Huh…" The sound of a glass container being moved off the shelf is heard. "What perfume should I get?"

Tetra thought the launching Ruto part was funny, but if Zelda is going to start talking about perfume, Tetra is going to stop listening in here.

 **Cute Sound Effect Scene Change**

Oh great Hylia, what has Tetra stumbled upon?

 _A crying fairy_ : "S.O.S! Please, anybody!"

 _Tingle_ : "Wait, S.O.S? What's going on?!"

 _A crying fairy_ : "Oh thank goodness! Come save us, please!" The screams of multiple fairies in agony are in the background.

 _Tingle_ : "I'm coming! Where are you?"

 _The fairy_ : "We're-," She gasps, cut off.

 _Wizzro_ : Obviously peeved. "That would be _my_ gossip stone. Who did you call, you little brat?"

 _Tingle_ : Gasps. "You! What are you doing to the fairies?!"

 _Wizzro_ : Chuckles malevolently. "If you can manage to find me, you can see, and maybe even participate. I might have a torture device your size." The whimper of a terrified fairy is heard. There is a rip, and the fairy screams in agony.

 _Tingle_ : Screams

Tetra quickly turns off the gossip stone. She doesn't want to know.

 **Cute Sound Effect Scene Change**

 _Ghirahim_ : "Come find you?"

 _Ganondorf_ : "No, I'll find you."

 _Ghirahim_ : "So you'll meet me halfway?"

 _Ganondorf_ : "NO!"

 _Ghirahim_ : "So you won't find me?"

 _Ganondorf_ : "Yes, I'll-,"

 _Ghirahim_ : "So yes, me come find you?"

 _Ganondorf_ : Takes a deep inhale through his nose. "You are doing that on purpose. You know perfectly well what I want you to do!"

 _Ghirahim_ : "Ok, ok, I think I got it." A pause occurs. "You want me to meet you there, right?"

 _Ganondorf_ : "GRAH!"

 **Cute Sound Effect Scene Change**

Tetra is already frowning. She just honed in on someone crying.

 _Agitha_ : In tears. "Please pick up."

 _King Daphnes_ : "Hello?"

 _Agitha_ : "Your highness, I-," She is cut off by her own tears.

 _King Daphnes_ : Gentle, but concerned. "Agitha, what's wrong?"

 _Agitha_ : Choked up by tears.

 _King D_ : "Take a deep breath, sweetheart."

 _Agitha_ : Takes a deep breath through her nose. Holds back a few sobs. "I-," Bursts into sobs again.

The genuine sadness in Agitha's voice is pulling on Tetra's heartstrings. This is putting a kink in her day.

 _King D_ : "If you tell me where you are, I'll come to you."

 _Agitha_ : "I can't… I-I don't know where I am, and there's blood everywhere. I think I'm dying." There is a pause. Faint footsteps in water are heard. In a terrified whisper- "Hello?"

 _King D_ : "What's going on?"

 _Impa_ : "Come on." It sounds as if she is picking up Agitha.

 _King D_ : "Impa?"

 _Impa_ : "No worries, King Daphnes. I've got her."

 _King D_ : "She's a little shaken. Be gentle."

 _Impa_ : "I will."

Tetra doesn't know what's happening, but she has faith that Impa can take care of it from here.

 **Cute Sound Effect Scene Change**

Tetra's cheeks are flushed as she listens to this.

 _Volga_ : "Hang in there! Just take deep breaths."

 _Cia_ : "I can't breathe at all."

 _Fi_ : "There is approximately five minutes before the pain reaches its climax."

Oh great Hylia, what is Tetra witnessing through her gossip stone?!

 _Volga_ : "I'm moving as fast as I can. If Levias would just get his fat %$&! out of the way!"

 _Fi_ : "Excuse me, Ms. Cia, but if you apply any more force to my leg, it will break."

 _Cia_ : Screams in agony.

Tetra turns off the gossip stone.

 **Cute Sound Effect Scene Change**

 _Toon Link_ : Sounds nervous. "You wouldn't… want to meet outside the Happy Mask Salesman's shop tomorrow, would you?"

 _Medli_ : "Sure. Why?"

 _Toon Link_ : Hesitates. "No particular reason."

 _Medli_ : "Oh. Well, what time should I meet you there?"

 _Toon Link_ : "UM, I guess whatever time is most for you- er, I mean, best for you."

 _Medli_ : Giggles. "Ok, well, I won't be available until after lunch, so how about 1:30?"

 _Toon Link_ : "Yeah, ok. I can do that."

 _Medli_ : "I'll watch the clock and make sure to say goodbye to Makar before 1:15."

 _Toon Link_ : "M-Makar? You're going to have lunch with Makar?!"

 _Medli_ : "Uh, yeah. Why?"

 _Toon Link_ : "What does he have that I don't?!"

 _Medli_ : Pauses. "A violin?"

 _Toon Link_ : "Oh, so he's more attractive than me because he plays the violin? Is that it?!"

 _Medli_ : "Link, he's not more attractive than you because he plays the violin!"

There is an awkward silence. Tetra is about to die laughing, so she turns off her gossip stone.

 **Cute Sound Effect Scene Change**

Tetra has stumbled upon Midna making unintentional contact.

 _Midna_ : "What in the world? Why is this gossip stone on if nobody is there?!"

 _A sexy Spanish accent_ : "Hello?"

 _Midna_ : Silent for a moment, stunned. "Oh, hello. Who is this?"

No reply.

 _A gruff child's voice_ : "Meta Knight, what's that?"

 _Meta Knight_ : "That's what I'm investigating, Tuff. Dedede just ordered it, but left it here after growing bored of it."

 _Midna_ : "UH, who is this?"

 _Tuff_ : "Ahh! It talks!"

 _Kirby_ : "Poyo!"

 _Midna_ : Laughs. "Chicken? You guys speak Spanish?"

 _Tuff_ : "Oh! Is that what that is? Kirby speaks Spanish?"

 _Meta Knight_ : "No Tuff, Kirby cannot speak Spanish. Excuse us, but who are we speaking with?"

 _Midna_ : "I'm… Midna, Princess Midna of the Twilight Realm."

 _Meta Knight_ : "Your highness, are you aware that you're currently speaking through an object sold by Nightmare Enterprises?"

 _Midna_ : "Nightmare what?"

 _Tuff_ : "I take it she's clueless."

 _Midna_ : "Wait, who are you guys, and how do you have a gossip stone?"

The sound of doors is heard.

 _Meta Knight_ : "You'll have to excuse us, Princess. We must go."

Midna sighs and switches the channel on her gossip stone. Tetra continues to listen in on the channel Midna was on, but gets bored listening to King Dedede, so she cuts it off.

 **Cute Sound Effect Scene Change**

Tetra is wondering where this battle is taking place.

 _Lana_ : "Quickly, to the east side!"

 _Sheik_ : "I'm on it!"

 _Lana_ : "Crap! Ghirahim's coming down the middle!"

 _Darunia_ : "Leave him to me, Lana!"

 _Lana_ : "Whatever you guys do, we can't let that Bombchu get to us!"

 _Sheik_ and _Darunia_ : "Aye!"

 _Ghirahim_ : "Ugh! How'd she know I was coming from straight ahead?!"

 _Sheik_ : "Confirmed."

 _Darunia_ : "Ha! Your gossip stone is on!"

 _Ghirahim_ : Annoyed. "These things are more trouble than they're worth."

 _Ruto_ : "Ghirahim, change your gossip stone channel."

Tetra follows Ruto's instructions. She finds the channel she is using but is a little late to the party.

 _Ruto_ : "… Give them false information."

 _Ghirahim_ : "But if they find the channel we're using to give our real information?"

 _Ruto_ : "Trust me, they won't. Darunia can't remember how to switch gossip stone channels, and Lana is too morally pure to intrude on our conversations."

 _Ghirahim_ : Chuckles. "I like how you think."

Tetra can't just stand by and let Ghirahim and Ruto cheat their way to victory! She switches channels back.

 _Tetra_ : "Lana, I've got bad news!"

 _Lana_ : "Tetra? Are you here?"

 _Tetra_ : "I'm at my place. Listen, Ghirahim and Ruto are going to try to give you false information about their plans over your gossip stone channel. Don't fall for it!"

 _Sheik_ : Laughs. "Oh they are, are they? I'm surprised they take us for idiots. Why would they continue giving their actual plans over a gossip stone channel they know we are using?"

 _Ghirahim_ : "HM, good point. Here that, Ruto? Your plan was faulty from the beginning."

Tetra face palms. Of course they were listening in!

 _Darunia_ : "That's why I hate these things."

 _Lana_ : "Darunia, 'hate' is such a strong word."

 _Darunia_ : Sighs. "Ok, I strongly dislike gossip stones."

 _Sheik_ : "Perhaps we could relinquish our stones for now, at least until this battle is over?"

 _Ruto_ : "How am I supposed to communicate with my soldier if I cannot use my gossip stone?"

 _Darunia_ : "Wait, _you're_ the head commander?! I thought that was Ghirahim."

 _Ghirahim_ : "I'm flattered you thought so, but no, not this time."

 _Tetra_ : "You guys need to have a fair fight and only use your respective gossip stone channels!"

 _Lana_ : "Agreed!"

Tetra is silent the remainder of the battle, but the two sides had a fair fight, so Tetra's job is done.

 **Cute Sound Effect Scene Change**

 _Zant_ : "…be perfect, just as a man and wife should be. I'll follow you, like a good wife should, and you'll be the head of household. Is that not the vision of perfection?"

What in the name of Niko's underwear did Tetra just hear?!

 _Zelda_ : Giggles to herself

 _King D_ : Chuckles. "I'm sorry, what part are you auditioning for, Zant?"

 _Zant_ : "I was hoping for the part of the husband, but you highlighted the wife's lines for me to recite."

 _King D_ : "Oh! I did? My mistake…"

 _Zelda_ : In the deepest voice she can muster without losing volume- "But that's just the thing, dearest. I don't want you to be anybody but yourself. A humble housewife does not suit you."

 _Zant_ : Chuckles. "But that is not the status-quo! We will be rejects of society."

 _Zelda_ : Still in her gruff voice- "Is that all you care about?!"

 _Tingle_ : Laughing. "Mommy!"

For the love of Demise, really? Tetra swears all of these people have completely lost their minds. Why are their gossip stones on?! These auditions should be held in person!

 _Zelda_ : Yes, in her best man voice- "W-what?! Mommy?! Why in the world would your cousin call you mother?" Gasps. "Could it be? You've had another lover!?"

 _Zant_ : "No, please, don't take this the wrong way!"

Tetra doesn't care who's casted; she is not seeing this show. She stops listening in.

 **Cute Sound Effect Scene Change**

 _Marin_ : "Now! Unleash the dragon!"

 _Midna_ : Maniacally laughing in the background.

 _Skull Kid_ : "AAHHH! They've got a dragon!"

 _Wizzro_ : Calmly- "Pathetic."

 _Volga_ : "You and I have some unfinished business, wizard!"

 _Wizzro_ : Completely changed tone. "Blasted! They've got a dragon!"

 _Skull Kid_ : Panicking. "What are we gonna do?!"

 _Wizzro_ : "Ugh…I was hoping not to use this, but Skull Kid, unleash the secret weapon!"

 _Skull Kid_ : "Heck yeah!" He begins to squeeze really hard, audibly struggling.

 _Wizzro_ : "No! Not that secret weapon, idiot! The other one!"

 _Skull Kid_ : "Oh!"

 _Dark Links_ : "Hya!"

 _Midna_ : "Curses! They've got Dark Links!"

 _Volga_ : "I've faced far worse. Come at me!"

 _Marin_ : "But where would _he_ get Dark Links?"

 _Wizzro_ : Smugly- "I've got connections."

 _Skull Kid_ : "UH… I also let loose the other secret weapon."

 _Wizzro_ : Stutters. "Well, make good use of it! Choke someone! I recommend Marin!"

Tetra is dying. This is like a comedic drama you'd watch on television.

 **Cute Sound Effect Scene Change**

 _Medli_ : "Fi, what's the square root of 441?"

 _Fi_ : "Exactly 12."

 _Young Link_ : "Fi, if the stomach can't digest fat, then what can?"

 _Fi_ : "The human stomach is capable of digesting fat. The gallbladder assists the stomach in doing so by increasing concentration of bile."

 _Linkle_ : "Fi, when did the last meteorite strike Hyrule?"

 _Fi_ : "Exactly 20,367 days, four hours, 56 minutes, and 27 seconds ago."

 _Linkle_ : "Where was this?"

 _Fi_ : "I cannot provide exact coordinates, however, the remains of that meteor reside a quarter of a mile west of Kakariko Village.

Ok, so Tetra has stumbled upon the "Ask Fi" channel. This is what the warriors contact when they have a question that can be answered with facts. Tetra doesn't have a question right now, but she'll remember this channel for when she does have a question.

 **Cute Sound Effect Scene Change. Last One**

Tetra sometimes uses gossip stones for her own purposes.

 _Ganondorf_ : "Now, about that deal."

 _Tetra_ : Chuckles maliciously.

* * *

Author's Notes: Chapter 15 is quickly approaching. There was a special _Kirby: Right Back At Ya!_ cameo in this story. And speaking of cameos and references in Vol. 2, CupcakeGal25 got my Nastasia reference in story 9. Yay! Did anyone catch the reference in story 2? Just curious. Like the Nastasia reference, it references another Nintendo character not from the LoZ series. Anyways, there's still time to suggest Would you Rather questions for story 15, and there's always time for story suggestions.


	12. Story 12

12\. King of the Club

The map of Hyrule is extensive and elaborate, especially the newest version. A Hylian somewhere took the time and liberty to explore the opened Gates of Time, each of which providing a new section of map to fill in. This map has been copied and published. Ganondorf possesses a copy of this map large enough to spread on a table and strategically plan with.

Busy images with many figures often hide secrets, and if one looks close enough, they will notice a familiar shape they had never seen amongst the image before. This is the case for Ganondorf. A new location has seemingly overnight engraved itself on his map. The drawing is not crude, so it couldn't have been one of his subordinates. The king decides to see this new location for himself.

* * *

Well, he couldn't believe it, but the location actually exists. How long has it been here? Is there any reason he has never noticed it on his map before? Would he have come here before if he knew it existed, or did he just not care the last time he addressed this place, and then forgot its existence?

The commanders below him were instructed to come along. Zant guffaws, asking, "Really?" "You honestly did not know of this place?" Ghirahim adds.

"Like you guys knew this was here," Ganondorf snaps back. His minions are smiling. As a matter of fact, they did know of this place, which is why the route there was very familiar. When I say "very familiar", I mean _very_ familiar.

Ganondorf watches his men approach the building. He really shouldn't be confused by their confidence, but he is. They stride towards the building like they own the place. Zant is the first to go in. Ghirahim looks back at his master and says, "You're welcome to come in if you like. You can say you're with us." And with that, the demon lord lets himself in. The Gerudo feels mocked, so of course, he goes in. And he won't say he's with those two.

With a bar in the back, live entertainment, and a designated space for dancers to show their moves, Ganondorf has obviously found himself in a club. Ganondorf couldn't care less about the décor of the place; his only concern is with who is here. You cannot be seen amongst the wrong crowd, especially with a reputation as high as Ganondorf's.

Similar to Paris, Rome, and even New York City, the bar has a wide variety of peoples gathered for a common motive—to have a good time. Ganondorf can pick out his minions because they stick out like sore thumbs, even in this crowd. Ghirahim is flirting with the foreign singer on stage. She is unmistakably foreign, and same can be said for the pianist. The singer appears mostly stereotypical demon, but she sports a mask and golden locks. Like cursed Midna, she severely lacks attire and still looks good. Digging deeper into her history little is known about her. There exist rumors amongst the bar's guests that she has a record of betrayal. Those rumors say the same for the pianist. Ganondorf has a good vantage point for examining both the singer and the pianist, whom has also engaged in conversation with the demon lord. Based on his appearance, Ganondorf assumes that the pianist was once, or perhaps currently is a jester. He's flamboyantly dressed and also masked; Ganondorf isn't surprised that Ghirahim and the pianist seemingly get along.

The loudest and hardiest laugh pulls Ganondorf from his trance. He was just skimming the crowd before, but now that he is focused on one, he recognizes them instantly. It is Darunia, Chieftain of the Gorons himself. Before him on the table is a drink. Never before has Ganondorf seen a mug that size half-full with Lon Lon Milk. He has seen mugs that size for different purposes, just never at a regular club.

He needs answers, so he finds a familiar helmet. Zant found his usual spot at the bar and is enjoying some fresh fruit so thoughtfully provided by the bartender. She's so sweet, kind of like this water fruit. The Usurper King's superior pulls up a barstool beside him.

"You… got fruit?" the king questions.

Zant nods happily, licking on a sour fruit. It always takes him a while to successfully eat one of these. That question got Ganondorf nowhere. He is distracted by Ghirahim's unmistakable chortles. Zant notices Ganondorf watching the stage. He explains, "Ghirahim made quick allies with those foreigners. They've only ever told him that they are both from different dimensions. Otherwise they are decently secretive, even more so than Wizzro."

"Why's Darunia here?" Ganondorf gets straight to the point, his cold stare fixed on Zant. Zant isn't deterred. He says knowingly, "Darunia shows up at least once a week. If you're strong, you're encouraged to challenge his strength. As far as I'm concerned, he's undefeated." To this, Ganondorf grins.

Darunia is very amused, but he's all out of Lon Lon Milk. Then there are two palms on the table in front of him. He has seen the commanders here before, but never the commander of those commanders. Darunia is stunned, uttering, "Ganondorf?"

Ganondorf sits down across the table from Darunia. His greeting is a simple head nod.

Darunia shrugs. He asks with a smile, "What can I do for you?" "I've heard a rumor," Ganondorf begins. "That you allow others to challenge your strength." Darunia nods and confirms, "I sure do in hopes they'll train further to be the strongest they can be."

The Gerudo malevolently chuckles. "There is no greater strength than mine." The Goron raises an eyebrow. He believes that was a challenge, so he inquires, "What's your preferred strength test? Chances are I've already competed in it."

"In what test do you perform your best?"

Darunia likes this guy's style. He can only think of one sport that heavily exerts the strength and endurance of all muscles, from the biceps to the glutes. "How about a sumo match?" Darunia proposes. Ganondorf has no idea how to sumo wrestle, but it can't be that hard to learn.

The dancefloor clears, and boundaries are set. The man whose foot is pushed past the boundary is the loser. Before long, the entire bar is aware of the events about to transpire. Ghirahim is graciously handed the microphone and lifted onto the stage. The singer makes herself comfortable on the piano. Both entertainers wait to be entertained. MC Ghirahim silences the room with a simple tap of the microphone. He broadcasts suavely, "Pardon my interruption, but this won't take long. Our very own Chief Darunia has been challenged by my very own Lord Ganondorf, in the flesh. Feel free to be as rowdy as you like, but be courteous of the match. That is all. Blow him away, my lord." Give that guy a pair of shades and a gold tie; greatest master of ceremonies ever!

Ganondorf's fists take monstrous forms. All fury will be channeled through them. But he is stopped. "Whoa!" Darunia calls. "Since when has magic been in the sumo rules?" The singer laughs. She finds Darunia amusing, but nowhere near as amusing as the mustachioed treasure hunter.

The Gerudo charges. Darunia evades him. "I don't mean to make assumptions, but I get the feeling you don't have any sumo experience," he infers—a great guess that happens to be correct. The attacker continues to fight the only way he knows how. Nothing has changed, so Darunia continues to dodge him. The singer eagerly awaits the moment someone gets hurt; she doesn't care who gets hurt as long as it isn't her.

Darunia turns the tables as easily and effectively as he would flip an actual table. He doesn't dodge the last assault, but instead holds out a palm. Ganondorf's fist contacts the center of the Goron's palm, not so much as bruising it. Here, Darunia takes hold of his victim and hauls him overhead. Ganondorf is smacked flat on his back, immobilized temporarily. The crowd is in uproar.

"I'm sorry, Ganondorf, but if you can't sumo wrestle, I can't test your strength that way. My arm is still pumped, though. We could arm wrestle."

Ghirahim taps his shoulder. Darunia looks at Ghirahim, who is on the edge of the stage squatting. The demon lord whispers, "Please spare him the niceties. You're embarrassing him… and frankly me as well." Darunia isn't sure why.

Lying on the floor gives Ganondorf a clear perspective of the situation. Darunia has a point; magic isn't just pure muscle. In addition, regular tussling, as seen on the battlefield, utilizes weapons. He understands the true meaning of this test, which the gods surely arranged. Ganondorf stands up, faces the man he challenged, and declares, "This isn't over." Darunia expected as much from Ganondorf. He will keep his schedule open for a rematch. Ganondorf takes his leave with the crowd's excited chatter in his wake.

From the untouched reaches of the building, Midna emerges. She approaches her talented entertainers. "The commotion was wilder than usual. What happened?" she interrogates. Ghirahim and Darunia are the ones to take attention to Midna, and shortly after, Zant joins them from behind.

"Lord Ganondorf challenged Darunia's strength," Ghirahim reveals to Midna. Her eyes widen. She honestly has no idea who the victor of that was; her money is usually on Darunia, but against Ganondorf, she isn't sure.

Darunia shrugs and elaborates on what Ghirahim said, "I tried, but he didn't know how to sumo wrestle. He fought like we were on the battlefield, so all I did was defend myself. He just left." Midna nods. The situation is so clear that she was pretty much there to witness it.

The princess looks at Zant's shoes out of the corner of her eye. "I'm a little suspicious of that bartender you're familiar with. We only lose revenue when she's on duty." And with that being said, Zant reaches into his pocket for his wallet and heads back over to the bar. Midna nods once—everything is right at her club.

* * *

Is sumo wrestling an art that died? The only information about it that Ganondorf can recover is historical records of famous wrestlers. There are no "how to" guides anywhere. He even asked Fi; she could only tell him how the sport originated. That doesn't exactly teach Ganondorf how to perform it.

Ganondorf returns to his headquarters shortly before twilight that evening. His subordinates returned to HQ while he was out. The club is the most exciting after twilight, but these two had other business to attend to.

Ghirahim's companion fairies heckle Zant's companion fairy, but she holds her own. Ghirahim has successfully pinned Zant to the wall by his sleeves. He manages to prevent the demon from getting too close by kicking him in the stomach. Ghirahim is left with no choice but to use projectiles. Zant might be stuck to the wall, but he's not immobilized. Ghirahim is playing darts with a dartboard that moves to avoid being hit.

Zant is rapidly losing room to bend, because each dagger Ghirahim throws protrudes from the wall after puncturing it. He attempts to conjure a resolution in fear of the consequences should he be left no room to dodge any more daggers. And a solution is conceived. Between releasing a dagger and readying a new one, Ghirahim receives a counterattack from below—a large version of Zant's helmet created from magic—and falls to the ground. Neither minion is currently injured. Oh, and Zant's companion fairy is holding both of Ghirahim's companion fairies by their hair.

"Swift thinking, Zant," Ganondorf compliments. He then orders that this feud ceases before something is broken.

"You've returned. We last parted at the bar. So tell me, where have you been?" Ghirahim converses as he collects his daggers. Zant attempts to break up the fairy fight, but he is ganged up on by all three of them and forced to flee them.

Ganondorf divulges bits and pieces of what he learned in his search, though none of it is of any use to him. He proceeds to say, "I will redeem myself. That I swear."

"Redeem yourself?" enters Zant. Ghirahim looks at him with a raised eyebrow. Ganondorf asks, "You're joking, right? You know what happened."

"At the bar? I wasn't paying attention, but I figured I didn't have to since Darunia was going to be creamed."

"You're my new favorite minion." Ganondorf doesn't have the heart to tell Zant what actually happened. And he appreciates the fact that at least one of his underlings still has utter respect for him. (A bit of insider's knowledge for no reason in particular—Zant actually does know what happened. Ghirahim gets the impression that Zant is a sycophant. Below the surface, Zant is strategically, simultaneously putting himself on Ganondorf's good side and giving Ghirahim the wrong impression. Astnojy has warned him that his strategy could backfire horribly, but has Zant heeded that warning? No.)

* * *

Young Link leads stretches while the class awaits Fi's arrival. He begins to twist his torso from the hips up in rhythm, back and forth. Ruto follows as shown. Darunia follows as shown… if he could actually do it. He struggles with this one. Zant outdoes them all, twisting in one direction a full 360 degrees. Then he does the same in the other direction. In summary, that previous trio is best described as The Average, The Underachiever, and The Overachiever. YL was not accounted for in that description.

Fi arrives, but the class has not completed stretches. She participates in leg stretches with them. She also strikes up a friendly conversation that begins with "how are you?" The majority of them are fine; however, Ruto is having a sour day.

"This'll brighten your day, Ruto," Darunia enthusiastically states. "Ganondorf tried to wrestle me yesterday, but wasn't able to. He can't sumo wrestle."

Ruto shrugs this off. "Neither can I. Why is that such joyous news?" Now Darunia's current mood is dampened.

The Twili sees an opportunity and seizes it. "That is an appropriate transition into something I would like to ask you, Darunia. Who educated you on the art of sumo wrestling?" he asks.

Darunia chuckles a little before explaining, "Well, actually, Link taught me." YL looks at the eldest of the group, aside from Fi. Darunia continues, "I learned it from him, whose family has passed it down since one of his ancestors, who learned it from my descendants."

"…What?" YL sees a problem in that logic and begins to laugh.

Darunia, too, is confused. He begins to reexamine his memory of Link's sumo tale, spotting a flaw in his own retelling. "Actually, scratch that. I learned it from Link. Link's family has passed it down. The first of Link's ancestors to learn to sumo learned it from a friend, and shortly after wrestled my descendants. Yeah, that's right."

"Who taught Link's ancestor's friend?" Fi inquires. Darunia doesn't know the answer to that one. YL is so confused that he is freaking out.

Zant slowly nods. That didn't make any sense to Fi, let alone him. The history of the craft is already established. What Zant wants to know is; "You and Link are the only ones who have mastered the art?" "The only ones I know of," Darunia replies.

* * *

"It will please you to know, my lord, that Darunia is not the only sumo wrestler amongst the warriors."

"Then I could learn from a source other than Darunia. Well done, Zant. So, who is it?"

"Well," Zant hesitates while tapping the tips of his fingers together. "It's either Darunia or this guy, and you're not exactly in good terms with the other guy."

Ghirahim rolls his eyes and comments, "He's not exactly in good terms with Darunia, either. Or King Daphnes, or Tingle, or Volga, or-,"

"Volga and I are positive acquaintances," Ganondorf corrects.

Ghirahim crosses his arms. "Really? I've always had the impression that you didn't like Volga," he utters. Ganondorf replies, "Only when he's destroying my forces. Anyways, just spit it out, Zant. Who do I have to go see?"

Zant was told to "spit it out", so he about lost his chewing gum. Thankfully, he realized that Ganondorf wants the name, not the gum. He finally discloses, "Link… Link knows sumo." Ganondorf is not amused; in fact, Ganondorf would rather learn to sumo wrestle from Princess Zelda.

* * *

Link dismounts Epona. Before him is the Gerudo King without a weapon. The hero was commanded to wrestle the Gerudo. Link obliges because he was amused by the request. He is successful is knocking Ganondorf onto his rear. Epona begins to laugh.

For the following couple of weeks, Link sees Ganondorf at least once daily. Ganondorf never fails to demand a wrestling match. It doesn't take long for Ganondorf to begin to pick up on Link's mostly silent tutelage; the Gerudos learn by example.

Link once accompanied Fi to her dance class. Darunia was absent, but everyone else attended. Ganondorf got Link's attention from the frozen Zora's Domain, and as usual, he demanded a sumo match. The dance lesson was cut short when the students were in the middle of a twirl, and Fi was eaten by the ground. (Don't worry, she's fine.) The class figured they were dismissed. Ruto and Zant peaked into the domain. They witnessed Link's struggle to pull out a win in the wrestling match. The onlookers cheered: Ruto for Link's win, Zant for Ganondorf's progress.

By week three, Link has taught Ganondorf all he knows. The surprising part of it all is that Ganondorf, the student, is perhaps now a better sumo wrestler than Link, the teacher. Proxi watches intently for cheating in Ganondorf and Link's last training session. She can't spot any, and it looks like Ganondorf has it wrapped up for the first time. However, there is a turn in the tides, and Link is the last man standing. Proxi can hardly believe it. Neither can Ganondorf; he should have had that one! What went wrong?

Link has ten words: "You need stronger shoe traction, and then you've got it."

* * *

What in the name of Din is going on?! Ghirahim has never seen another warrior get across the battlefield so fast. He has seen Lana jump from tree to tree and Wizzro travel underground, but his opponent is seemingly in more places than one. And we're not talking doubles, here.

Linkle's boots are a new type of transportation. With the firepower of a one-man tank, Linkle is kicking her opponents into next week. Where a hero's boots are needed, that's where her and her boots are.

For once, Ghirahim doesn't have to come to his opponent. Linkle comes to him. They meet in front of the Goddess Statue in Skyloft. Linkle is ready for a fight. Ghirahim practices his observing skills. "That was an abrupt stop," he thinks aloud. "I've always thought you were a little slippery."

The girl looks at her shoes. Then she looks up at Ghirahim and says, "Well, I did get my boots modified by Impa. But I haven't noticed anything different. These are my cool boots, by the way." Ghirahim inquires more. Linkle is like a filing cabinet in a detective's office. She constantly learns useful facts and trivia about the battlefield and the warriors. Ghirahim has a key to that filing cabinet. Granted, Linkle is not a tricky lock, but not everyone can get in. Also granted, Ghirahim can get into anyone's head with the right amount of charm.

* * *

So apparently, Impa has talent in shoemaking and mending. Now this Ganondorf has to see for himself. He lets himself into the Hyrule Castle. He brought his demon sword with him. Zelda is the first responder, attempting to stop Ganondorf. She fails horribly.

"Princess, how fine it is to see you!" Ghirahim greets. He gallantly begins to lead Zelda by the arm. "I've been meaning to discuss the sword training your soldiers are receiving." The princess is captivated, saying, "Oh?" Ganondorf can hear them sink deeper into the castle corridors.

Impa can be found in the armory when she is not battling, training, or at Zelda's side. At the present moment she is maintaining the sharpness of the Giant's Blade. She is beckoned by a heavy, "Impa."

Ganondorf enters the room. Impa doesn't give a reaction of surprise. That isn't to say she isn't on guard. In her usual stoic manner, she asks, "You have come to see me?"

"I heard a rumor," the king begins. "And I thought I would investigate the source. Ghirahim tells me your craft goes beyond weaponry. He heard you—and I quote—'repair shoes'."

Impa nods. "What of it?" she curtly inquires.

Ganondorf's eyebrows rise. Wait, really? She seriously repairs shoes? If any of the warriors were to have that skill, Ganondorf thought it would be Tingle.

"I highly doubt you came here solely out of curiosity. So why are you here?" Impa interrupts Ganondorf's thought-filled daze. He stands up straight to appear business-like. He replies, "I need traction on my shoes."

Impa crosses her arms. "You want your shoes to have more traction? Do you slide in them?"

"Not… necessarily." Yes, he can slide a little bit, but it's not often that he is running and needs to stop immediately, halting his feet. This is when Linkle enters the room, but nobody notices.

Impa shakes her head and states, "If the traction of your shoes doesn't bother you, you don't need them repaired."

"This is a special occasion."

The Sheikah is not convinced, but she has a feeling that he won't leave until he's satisfied. Leaving Ganondorf wondering, she exits. He begins to follow her, but is distracted by Linkle. She can't perform a sidestep slide, and she isn't quite sure why.

Impa returns with a heavy load. She drops the Iron Boots on the floor in front of her. The entire castle vibrates. Ganondorf isn't amused, saying, "I don't need to be heavier, I just need better traction. Is that too much to ask for?"

As if on cue, Linkle demonstrates the greatest traction ever offered. After a simple dash, she comes to a complete halt. As if her feet are instantly glued to the ground, she falls forward, belly-flopping onto the floor. Impa cringes. Ganondorf smiles and says, "Yeah. That's what I need."

* * *

The bar has never been this quiet. Midna is scared to see what her entertainers have done this time. But it's not them. The King of Thieves has returned, demanding a rematch. The Goron Chieftain expected that. The singer, fond of riches, has already made a bet with her fellow performer. The stakes? Herself, as she is the greatest treasure her dimension has to offer.

Similar to their previous brawl, Ganondorf is the first to charge. Unlike last time, Darunia does not dodge. The two collide properly this time. Every slap echoes over the cheering crowd. When Darunia does get a hold of Ganondorf, he quickly realizes that this will be no easy task.

 _Swoosh! Duck! Hold and push. Get pushed back. Sidestep. Swoosh! Smack! Hold and push. Get pushed back._

That's basically the entire process in a nutshell. In the middle of the tumult, Ghirahim realized that they forgot to set boundaries. He gets in there and draws a circle on the ground with red chalk, careful not to disturb the wrestlers.

Darunia is a scoot away from defeat. The crowd continues to cheer despite the high tension. It is here that the universe favors evil for once. A glass was flung across the room earlier that day. The pianist majestically pulled the singer close to him and out of harm's way. Now that was how to treat a lady, she thought to herself. As you would expect, the glass shattered like my hopes and dreams. A shard of that glass lies in wait for its shoeless victim. Darunia loses composure after experiencing the sting of the glass. The victory belongs to Ganondorf.

Premonition overwhelms Ganondorf when he notices that the crowd is beginning to settle. Then a path is made for the Twilight Princess herself, who mockingly claps for him.

"Midna!"

"You've managed to pass a strength test. Impressive. Sorry about that, Darunia." Darunia replies to Midna with a smile. He's not upset.

Ganondorf grins. "I've defeated this bar's champion. That gives me some cred around here," he deduces.

Midna laughs, genuinely amused. "You actually believe you're the top dog around here?!" The bar begins to laugh with her, including Ghirahim and Zant.

Ganondorf is not amused. He growls before declaring, "If I have to flatten you, I will."

"You really want to be important at my club?" Midna asks. She finds center stage. The lights go dim, and the spotlight is on her. She ceases to levitate and stands with her feet apart. Ganondorf feels uneasy standing in darkness that isn't his own. Darunia is no longer where Ganondorf left him. The only light other than the spotlight is the light of the glow sticks and wands that everyone at the club has now.

"Dance!"

Midna breaks it down. The club is now a dance rave. The spotlight reveals that the stage is crowded with warriors. Ghirahim and Zant have choreographed a synchronized routine for an occasion such as this. Darunia lets loose a safe distance from the piano. The entertainers perform a sexy tango, gliding effortlessly atop the piano.

Ganondorf isn't moved by the beat.

* * *

Author's Notes- The entertainers, the singer and the pianist, are cameos from other Nintendo games. My brain will explode if anyone recognizes the singer. Still taking Would You Rather questions and suggestions for future chapters. That is all…


	13. Story 13

13\. The Mask

When Cia is desperate to prevent something from happening, you can infer one of two things: 1. What's going to happen will harm her in some way, or 2. Nothing good can come from what is about to happen, for her or for the world as we know it.

"The bet is off! You don't have to serve Majora, or anyone else for that matter, anymore!" she cries out, hoping her voice will reach into the fairy fountain through the closed doors.

There is no response. Fi assures, "There is a 100% chance he heard that."

…

"I'm also 100% sure that he doesn't care," Fi also concludes. This is much to Zelda's dismay. The group can hear a tree falling in the near distance. Agitha perks up. Everyone turns around.

The new battering ram appears on the ground. Its escort men, Zant and Ghirahim, follow it here via teleportation. They need Darunia's muscle to lift it. Tingle hops onto the wide trunk; he'll be the leader. "Everyone out of the way!" he screams. There isn't a single warrior who doesn't move. Tingle sounds the battle cry. The battering ram is carried swiftly to the fairy fountain doors.

This does virtually nothing. They smack the doors, and the two in front collapse, squashed by the weight of the large trunk. It took a collaborative effort to teleport it here, so getting squashed by it isn't that much of a surprise. Darunia is still holding up the rear of it with relative ease. Tingle falls off, of course.

Volga towers over Ghirahim. "That was beyond idiotic."

"It sounded like a good idea at the time," Ghirahim admits, flushed with embarrassment. Lana agrees by nodding and then saying, "Usually my ideas are solid, but this one was just a bust."

Darunia lifts the battering ram out of the way. Volga is going to open this door like a true dragon. He dons his beastly form and slams his side into the door. On the inside, Majora is pushed back a little, but doesn't lose his hold.

"What happens when they realize that one of them can just teleport inside?" Wizzro questions the mask. Teleport… That's it! Majora has an idea.

Volga has broken down a door before, so he'll do it again! His monstrous, scaled fist does the job. The doors fly open too easily. Everyone peaks around Volga into the fountain, finding it empty.

Voices from behind grab their attention; "Somewhere farther away would have been preferred, Wizzro," chastises Majora. He tries to stay calm. He's trying _so hard_ right now to stay cool.

Midna uses her hair as a fist to send Majora sailing into a keep several yards away, suggesting a game of keep away. Wizzro doesn't waste time, disappearing into the ground and returning to the surface nearby Majora. The remaining warriors follow by foot.

Impa skids to a stop at the entrance to the keep. She holds out an arm to stop her fellow warriors, Zelda primarily. Most of them gasp at the sight. The temper-prone warriors simply scowl. Link actually sees a sliver of hope now. Oppositely, Wizzro waits in suspense. What happens next decides his fate.

Ganondorf has his favorite coffee mug in one hand and Majora in the other. King Daphnes pushes his way to the front. He faces Ganondorf yet again. "Ganondorf," he asserts.

His sentence is never finished. Ganondorf shrugs and tosses the mask over his shoulders. Wizzro's instinct is to catch it. Once caught, Wizzro has to pause as his brain catches up to what just happened. He should probably flee before Ganondorf comes to his senses. So he flees, taking Majora with him. Majora could have left a long time ago, but it was more entertaining to let fate play out.

"No!" Linkle cries. Marin, terrified, moves close to Young Link. "You've got to be kidding me!" Ruto roars. Ganondorf begins to take a drink.

King Daphnes has never felt this much fury over someone else's carelessness. "Do you not realize that those two combined have the potential to overpower all of us, including you?!"

Ganondorf does a spit-take, nearly choking. He gets it together before calling his course of action; "Men! Don't let Wizzro get away!"

"Right!" both of Ganondorf's men respond. They are gone in a moment's notice.

Now it's Impa's turn. She calls, "Everyone, split up! We should cover every corner of the valley!" Lana and Linkle begin to run the same way, so Linkle turns around to head the opposite way. Link and Zelda also take opposite directions. Volga takes to the sky for an overhead advantage. Those who remain just choose a direction and begin to run. Toon Link doesn't move; he stubbed his toe earlier and doesn't feel running anymore.

Here is when all warriors are present at the Valley of Seers. With their hearts pounding harder than they ever have before, Tetra and Skull Kid dash into the battlefield boundaries. Tetra slows her pace, her mission accomplished. Skull Kid, however, keeps his speed, hoping to reach the heat of the problem before it is too late.

Linkle catches him, slowing him to a stop. "Get to the keep at the very top of the stairs!" she instructs. Skull Kid nods, and without allowing himself a moment to rest he follows Linkle's instruction.

This is where Majora is ready to rumble. Wizzro is safely summoning hordes of monsters behind him. By the way, Majora has Zant and Ghirahim frozen in time. Just for kicks, Majora positions them like mannequins in three ridiculous poses he has always wanted to try out for himself but never has because of the fear of looking stupid.

Midna looks into the sky. She witnesses Majora dispose of the Twili traitor. He's flying! No, he's falling from space. Even better! Unfortunately, Midna's view is impeded by a nasty Big Blin. Meanwhile, Ghirahim was also flung towards the edge of the atmosphere. His landing is softer than his companion's; Cia gets between him and the ground.

Like a flood, monsters spill from the highest peak, practically tumbling over each other. Skull Kid hurries up the crowded staircase. He is ignored. Not a single monster identifies him a threat; therefore Skull Kid is not attacked. He—along with all children who have perished in the forest—has been forgotten.

Wizzro knows that the reward for keeping Majora safe far surpasses his personal safety. He gives no caution to his magic expulsion. He refuses to quit, but is forced to when he exerts himself to the point of fainting. Majora isn't amused… although he doubts he'll need help from here. Wizzro has done his job exceptionally, not to mention willingly, which is something Majora doesn't get from puppets often.

The wave of monsters has ceased, and Skull Kid has reached the bottom of the last stretch of stairs. "Majora!" he calls with the last strength he can muster.

Majora looks at the child in the eyes. It has been a while since they have stood face-to-face as two entities. Majora doesn't like the determination in Skull Kid's heart. He wishes Skull Kid would fall down and stay down.

Skull Kid begins to ascend the staircase at a normal pace. He breathes methodically so his heartrate returns to a healthy speed. Majora wasn't expecting this of his former puppet. "Wha- what do you want?!" Skull Kid doesn't give Majora a response.

Majora tries a more condescending question; "Have you been hiding all this time and somehow managed not to get crushed by your fellow warriors?!"

There is still no response.

Majora is frightened now. Is there another power controlling Skull Kid? Has Zelda and the warriors discovered a way to get to him? Have they stooped so low as to controlling or impersonating this child whom they know has a direct connection to him?

Skull Kid reaches the top of the stairs. The mask and the child stare into each other's souls from several feet away. However, Skull Kid's face is soft.

"Majora," whispers Skull Kid. Majora would scream if producing sound didn't use so much energy and magic. "I don't mind being your puppet."

Both souls are trembling, Skull Kid with the fear of rejection, Majora with unidentified emotions. "I-I know that," Majora stutters. No, really, this was never about Skull Kid rejecting him. So… why does he begin with this?

Skull Kid swallows. He knows Majora's language. He decides to speak Majora's language, carefully constructing what to say. "If this is game, and you're the good guy," Skull Kid utters quietly. "I want to be on your side. But you have to let me. We have to be a team."

This is why Majora missed Skull Kid. This kid understands him like nobody else does.

"Are you ready to have me on your team again?"

 **If you've heard our stories before, you can probably guess what happens next. Skull Kid won't be waking up anytime soon from his nap, so I took the liberty to do my own thing, tease you with the ending of this story.**

… **Oh. You wanted to see more than just the 'happy' ending? But why? Frankly everything that happens before this point is just pointless garbage.**

 _ **FFFine**_ **… I was going to tell you everything else anyways. I just wanted to see if I could trick you into going away, mostly because I need to stop talking. Talking without a host body uses up magic, and that lunatic salesman can sense magic.**

 **Whatever. Here's the beginning of this ending.**

Having been without a host for several days, Majora grows weary. He hasn't been the same since the Hero of Time saved Termina.

It is here that Majora overhears a conversation.

"She'll forget if she just doesn't see me for a while, right?"

"No. Cia doesn't forget."

"…"

"I owe her thirty rupees from three years ago. She reminds me every day."

"I don't care if we have to kill her. I am not serving Midna."

"Kill Cia or Midna?"

"Even better! Let's kill them both! Now how do you decapitate an imp?"

Majora begins to follow them from behind, but they stop walking. Lana tells Wizzro, "I'm sorry, but I can't help you. I'm not helping anyone kill Cia or Midna. I could try to negotiate with Cia."

Wizzro crosses his arms. He just can't win. Then Majora taps his shoulder. It is still a little sore from an incident with another warrior.

Lana is surprised to see Majora like this again. "Hi Majora. Are you looking for Skull Kid?"

Majora snaps, "Why would I be looking for Skull Kid?"

Wizzro didn't know this thing had a mind of its own. He just thought Skull Kid heard voices in his head; something they have in common. Or… is this one of those times that he is hearing voices. "Lana," he mutters. "This mask is possessed."

Lana narrows her eyes and asks, "You didn't know that?"

Majora looks at Wizzro and asks, "You thought I was just a fashion statement?"

"No, I-," And then everything becomes clear to him. "Oh! You're an entity in a mask! That answers a lot of questions about the limits of your power, as well as your title. _Majora's Mask_. Majora is the spirit in the mask. Got it." Wizzro gets it now. He knew the mask was powerful, but he was never sure why.

Majora is even more offended. "Correction; that answers questions about my _unlimited_ power." As the Guardian of Time, Lana is privileged to have watched everything with Termina. She thinks that Majora shouldn't boast about its power in front of this particular wizard, so she questions sternly, "Is there something you need, Majora?"

The mask giggles quietly, recognizing a struck nerve when he sees one. He replies, "No. I just couldn't help but overhear your conversation. When are you planning to behead the princess?"

"We're not!"

Wizzro smirks. "As soon as possible."

"Hmm… there seems to be some miscommunication amongst you two," Majora deduces. "Yeah, that's pretty common," Wizzro comments with a chuckle. Lana has already run out of patience with these two. She begins to walk away.

Majora likes these floating purple robes. They've never had a one-to-one conversation before, so why not now? Majora asks, "So about that battle a few days ago. I was sure you had that, but it all fell apart for you at the end."

Wizzro has to swallow his shame. He admits, "Linkle pulled through, lucky thing. To quote Cia, I fell like Termina's moon." He shrugs before continuing, "Now that I think about it, her simile didn't really make sense. Fell behind the horizon, maybe, but Cia isn't the type of person to think of something so normal."

Majora shakes like someone with a body would shake their head to say 'no'. He follows by saying, "Cia's simile was accurate. Both of the Guardians of Time know my story, yet you're still clueless. I could tell that you weren't exactly a genius before, but now I'm starting to wonder if you have a mental disorder."

"… Dude, we accessories are supposed to stick together," Wizzro states. Usually getting insulted just makes him angry, but this time his self-esteem was damaged. Just a little bit.

Truth be told, Wizzro has been slow lately. He registers the rest of what Majora just said. "What?! You were able to send a moon hurling towards the planet!?"

Majora is pleased, and the tone of his voice displays that. He confirms, "Now you're getting it. Does this make sense now? Do you realize who you're talking to?"

"I knew there had to be something special behind Skull Kid. It wasn't the fairies or the ocarina; it's always been you. Hiya heh heh!"

That laugh can be heard from a mile away. Lana stops.

This might be what Majora has been looking for, but how is he going to test it? With Skull Kid it was always Majora doing the bulk of the work. The entire point of this break up was because Majora wanted someone who could stand up for themselves without him. Wizzro may have lost his last battle, but if he can be easily controlled…

"This might sound crazy, but what would you say if I said that I wanted you to fight every warrior here? I say it like that because, well, someone caused a little trouble with Yuga and Ravio's train." Majora can't help but giggle thinking about that.

Hmm… Wizzro needs to think about that. It would be satisfying to spill everyone's guts, but he can't do that alone.

"With a little help from me, of course."

Wizzro nods once. "I'd have to say 'why not?'"

Majora is excited. This should be fun. He says, "Yay! Where do we start?" "With Cia, of course!" Wizzro announces. He teleports himself and the mask to the Valley of Seers.

Lana's bottom jaw drops.

…

Impa has been ordered to stand by, only to interfere when interference is requested. She reluctantly obeys. Not long ago, a nasty shadow snuck into the castle via riding behind Zelda. This was for no other reason than to finish a quarrel the two had on the battlefield. She may have overlooked it for "pettiness", but not him.

Zant has lowered his helmet to allow him to stare menacingly into Zelda's soul. He now wishes he had kept it up, as she may have stolen his soul with her first word. "And when Ganondorf hears about this?" Zelda threatens. Zant has to muster all of his meager self-control not to strangle the princess where she stands. He decides to stomp furiously up the staircase. Impa would follow him, but Zelda trusts that he'll be back in record time, so there is no need.

"Zelda!" Lana calls from outside. Both Zelda and Impa turn around in time to watch Lana burst through the front doors. Link follows her at his own pace.

"Hello, Lana," Impa politely greets.

"Hi Impa!" Lana cries in the same tone she used to call Zelda's name; a very pitchy and desperate tone. Zelda and her top general exchange glances.

The princess gently tells Lana to calm down, but only the sight of Link at her side successfully restores her to a state of mind where using an inside voice is the norm. She tells them, "It's Majora." This is when the stomping ceases, followed by quick footsteps descending the stairs. Zant joins the conversation before Lana speaks again.

"Wizzro and I bumped into Majora, who-,"

Zelda holds up a palm and interrupts, "Wait, why were you with Wizzro?"

"Er, you know, sometimes he just likes to talk about his feelings! Anyways,"

Link is confused. "Wizzro talks about his feelings? Are you sure you were talking to Wizzro?" he questions.

"STOP INTERUPTING ME! I'm trying to tell you that the two have decided to team up! The last I heard was something about Cia, and then they vanished!" Lana yells. The entire castle could hear every word she said.

For as bad of news that was, Zant is taking it surprisingly well. "Princess," he beckons. "We've seen on the battlefield what destruction that mask does with a powerless host. I cannot begin to imagine what would happen if it could use Wizzro's power freely along with its own."

"I agree. We should act immediately," Zelda proclaims. Impa asks if she should ready the soldiers. Zelda replies, "No. The combined strength of our closest allies should be enough."

Zelda turns to Zant. "Are you coming with us?"

"I don't have a choice; my fate is dependent on the outcome of what comes next," replies the Twilight King. Zelda nods once.

Lana has found her composure, or at least enough composure to ask in an appropriate volume, "Do you know what Majora is capable of?"

He looks Lana in the eyes and responds, "All Twili know the mask's tale." Link's eyebrows rise. He is fascinated.

"There is no time to lose!" Zelda announces, following with instructions for her top general, the hero, and the Guardian of Time. They are split across the land to gather their allies. He may have been left out of Zelda's instructions, but Zant, too, gathers his allies. (He gathers _an ally_.)

At the coast, King Daphnes greets Hyrule's princess. He is accompanied by the hero of his time, the Sage of Earth, and Marin. Tetra rushes to a ledge above. She saw Zelda hurry into the area, but had to settle something before she could follow. She arrives just in time to hear Zelda mention Majora.

That group begins to head for the Valley of Seers. They never notice the pirate captain. The princess inside of her refuses to stay behind and do nothing. Before adding her strength to the cause, she needs to see someone.

…

Cia has successfully defended herself from a good portion of Wizzro's assaults. She is still standing, though slightly weakened. They currently stand at a stalemate.

Majora nods in approval. "Wow," he says unenthusiastically. "You've actually kept your ground against the sorceress. Not bad." Wizzro is learning that this thing is hard to impress. Majora says, "My turn." With that, Majora doesn't hold back, sending several magic-charged tentacles in Cia's direction. Instead of popping into confetti like someone stabbed by Midna's hair might, Cia receives surges of magic from the tentacles. This is an experience similar to being electrocuted. She howls before falling to her knees.

"Cia!" Lana exclaims. She rushes to her other half's side. Cia insists she is ok as Lana helps her to her feet. The light half of the Guardian of Time rushed ahead of Darunia and Ruto, but they should be there shortly.

Lana scowls at the wizard. Majora retracts his tentacles; Lana's glare is admittedly intimidating. "Everyone is coming!" she tells the enemies. "We won't let Hyrule be harmed by you, Majora!"

"It's not me! I'm being held against my will!" Majora fibs. Wizzro is amused… until he realizes that the blame is shifted to him.

Cia utters with her remaining strength, "It's just like you to hide behind a mask, Wizzro."

"Do I look like I'm hiding, Cia?!" shouts a wizard full of rage.

Majora looks at Wizzro. "That gives me an idea! Do you wanna go hide in the fairy fountain?"

"Why? Weren't you the one who wanted to fight all of the warriors?"

Majora would shrug if he had shoulders. He responds, "I don't know. It'll be kind of like hide-and-seek, only they'll know where we are but won't be able to get in to catch us."

Wizzro now understands why Majora fits on Skull Kid.

The sneaky, darkness-based villains rush for the fairy fountain. As Lana begins to chase them, Cia falls to her knees again, so Lana stops. Majora is seen approaching the fairy fountain. "Go faster!" Ruto shouts, tugging on Darunia's hair. The ride is bumpy at his current speed, but they need to beat Wizzro to the fairy fountain. "I could roll if you didn't demand that I carry you!" Darunia shouts back.

Ruto doesn't get off Darunia, allowing Wizzro to reach the fairy fountain and Majora to seal the door shut just before Darunia bashes himself and Ruto straight into it. They tumble backwards. Majora laughs like a maniacal, spider-like, little girl who keeps all of her secrets in her diary.

Lana and Cia are the last to join the warriors at the doors of the fairy fountain. Midna has already attempted to teleport in, but Wizzro is a skilled magician; he placed a magic barrier around the keep to prevent access except through the door. Majora was legitimately impressed by this.

Meanwhile, Tetra navigates Faron Woods—her guide is the sound of a familiar laugh echoing through the trees. She approaches the Great Deku Tree, but this is as far as her guide will take her. She knows she has been detected, so it is just a matter of time before he shows himself.

Tetra isn't incredibly patient. She is just about to go searching when who she was looking for cartwheels like an experienced gymnast to her, sticking the landing directly in front of her. He is in a good mood today; the sun is bright, the breeze is quiet but cool, and it is overall just impossible to be upset today.

"Majora needs to be stopped," Tetra informs, the brevity perfect for the seriousness of the situation.

Skull Kid stops smiling.

 **Yeah, so from here everything at the Valley of Seers happens and The End. …Just in case you were wondering, here's what happened before everything that you already know.**

Decapitated, but not uncomfortable, Majora wanders into Hyrule Fields. Spirits don't need brains to think analytically. It would be in his best interest to acquire a host, not because that's what he told Skull Kid he would do, but because the sooner he does, the sooner he can relax. To have an independent host would be a vacation in itself for poor Majora.

The mask doesn't notice that he is about to be bowled over until the spontaneous whinnies of Epona are heard. Majora looks up from the ground straight into Epona's neck. Young Link maneuvers the horse slightly to the right.

"That's right, I can't expect someone to navigate for me while I zone out anymore," Majora thinks aloud. He begins to float around the Hero of Time. "Thanks for not bashing into me. I'll remember that."

After the company has passed, Young Link readies Epona to begin running again. He is stopped again by the same being, only this time from behind. Majora says, "Hey, it just occurred to me! A kid with the power to go back in time can surely handle himself. I mean, I still hate you for wrecking my hard work and crushing my ambition to wipe out Termina, but that game is over. I'll look past that."

…

"Ha! Get it? I'll look _past_ it."

…

"No? Ah, well, Darunia would appreciate my wit. Let's go see Darunia."

Young Link isn't exactly comfortable with the malicious mask currently, nor will he ever be. He threatens to attack by pulling his sword out from behind him.

Majora gets the message. "Never mind, then!" he calls while hustling away. Perhaps an incarnation of the hero wouldn't be an ideal host anyways. Saving the world isn't exactly Majora's passion, nor does he desire to struggle with a soul whose purpose is to save the world. That eliminates the current Link and Toon Link from his list of possible hosts, as well. But there are other fish in the sea.

…

Darunia is dreadfully confused. "You're supposed to do what?"

The wizard wonders if this hard head heard anything he just said. To sum it up, he states bluntly, "I was told to follow you around today."

"And obey me?"

Wizzro holds out his arms with an ugly frown. Oh, so this guy heard _that part_ of the spiel! Darunia simply smiles. He would pat Wizzro on the back, but the last time he did that to a fellow warrior they fell forward and began to tumble down the mountain. He may have hit them a little too hard.

Darunia nods. Upon noticing the ring sorcerer examine his nails, Darunia remembers something. He says, "Actually, maybe you could help with something right away. If you can't, that's ok."

"I can't."

"You at least have to see the problem before forgetting about it!" Darunia laughs. He begins the trek to the site of the issue, beckoning for Wizzro to follow. The Goron is, indeed, followed by a very unenthusiastic blob of robes.

There is a rock overhang to the west of the main battlefield here at Death Mountain. A patch of interestingly textured stone has been revealed by erosion. The unsuccessful team of Gorons makes a path for their chief. "Do you see that circle of rock up there that is different from the rest of the cliff?" asks Darunia. Wizzro nods. Darunia explains, "We'd love to snack on that, but unfortunately we're having a bit of trouble reaching it."

Wizzro crosses his arms and questions, "How do you expect me to reach it? Your arms are longer than mine." Petite the Goron examines both warriors' arms before concluding that Wizzro is correct.

"You've got that giant hand, right?" states Darunia. "Or your magic might knock some of it down." Wizzro sighs; this Goron has too much faith in him. He warns everyone to stand back.

Despite having poor depth perception, Wizzro positions himself in a relatively good spot to reach up from. Summoning his large hand, Wizzro reaches for the patch of tasty stone above. He has no trouble reaching it; however, grabbing it might be an issue. The Gorons watch in suspense. Like a file, the rock shaves Wizzro's nails.

A solid minute goes by before Wizzro is infuriatingly determined to get that mineral. Without forethought, Wizzro spots a crevice in the cliff just slightly below and sends his limb into it. Clenching the fist and applying pressure acts similarly to an explosion, only the stone is shattered, not obliterated. The entire hanging ledge is dislodged from the mountainside. Wizzro's limb retracts faster than usual, possibly due to his reaction to the imminent danger. As calm as ever, Darunia instinctively reaches in and pulls Wizzro out from under the falling mountain chunk. The other Gorons in the area are trained for this situation; they roll up like pill bugs, their hard backs protecting their vital organs.

The dust cloud aroused by the debris keeps the result hidden for a few short moments. As soon as they are safe, the Gorons unravel. The collision with the ground shattered the heavy chunk of edible mineral into bite-size pieces, conveniently. The Gorons feel welcome to dig in without anyone's approval.

The warriors don't move, their heartrates slowly returning to normal. Darunia moved his hand in front of Wizzro in a protective manner, which Wizzro holds onto now. Darunia is released from his trance when his mouth starts salivating. He steps beside Wizzro with a hardy chuckle and announces, "You did it! You broke part of the mountain in the process, but that's no big deal."

"You can reward me later," avers Wizzro proudly and suavely. He points to Darunia with a single index finger, his elbow casually bent. The remainder of the day was uneventful. Wizzro took a well-deserved nap while Darunia ate.

…

Two Twili are panicking. "Wait, the myth is true?!" "This thing has a life of its own! It's possessed!" "I don't what to believe anymore!" "Shoo! Stupid mask, shoo!"

Majora is thoroughly enjoying this. Wondering what hysterical reactions he can get out of them, he flies towards Midna's face. She swats him away with her bare hands. Zant hops back a pace like a scared bunny, dodging Majora. The mask pulls a fast one on Zant, hopping into his hands. He instinctively catches the mask, instantly regretting it and scrambling to get rid of it.

Midna begins to run until Zant calls her name. She turns to face him—an auto-pilot reaction that ends with the mask being tossed to her. Majora didn't have to assist Zant's toss, so he goes limp. Zant pivots and flees.

"Hey, you forgot this!" Midna calls, tossing the mask back to Zant. It goes over his head and into his hands.

"No, I insist, this is for you!" Zant replies hastily while reaching to take Midna by the arm and returning the article.

"You know you want it." And she gives it back by slipping it into his armpit once his back is facing her.

Zant lets the mask drop into the clutches of his lanky fingers, and with a professional flick of the wrist sends it back Midna's way. "No thank you." Majora can't believe that Midna actually catches him without looking.

"It's your birthright." Midna to Zant.

"You're the princess; accept the responsibility!" Zant to Midna.

"It works like an umbrella."

"Happy Birthday!"

"Bon voyage!"

"NO!"

"BLAH!"

Twili have a nasty habit of shrieking; it's hereditary. Majora doesn't have eardrums, but listening to this is nonetheless painful. He is grateful that Midna flings him into the air in a desperate attempt to get rid of him. Without hesitation, Majora flees Twilight Fields, hoping to find some gosh darn peace and quiet!

…

And so, dawn of day two cometh. Cia, really wanting Wizzro to suffer, decides that his next assignment is Tingle. He vehemently refuses. The kind soul that Cia is, she offers an alternative—be her test subject for torture spells she found in a dusty tomb in old scrolls.

Tingle it is!

The fairy-man is ecstatic. Wizzro is supplied with an endless amount of confetti poppers immediately. They are large and kind of remind Wizzro of miniature horns. Like the one on Lana's bicycle. It's pink with sparkly fringes. She used it to warn pedestrians when she was bowling through. Unfortunately, that horn no longer works because Lana tried to ride her bike down the large staircase at the Valley. That may have been the greatest thing Wizzro ever saw; he laughed for an hour straight. And now that he's thinking about it, he's laughing again.

Wizzro quickly discovers the power of these poppers. Tampering with the string on the end of one, he sets it off. The cucco beside him, previously miffed when Tingle squashed it with his gold statue, happens to be in the way. The force of the popper is so strong that the cucco is seemingly obliterated. Great Nayru's Love, these things are dangerous!

The wizard is finally summoned when Tingle completes his mission. To kick off his celebration, he asks that Wizzro set of a few confetti poppers. Then he doesn't watch to see if Wizzro actually does anything. Wizzro smirks deviously. He sets off a popper against the back of Tingle's head. Tingle collapses.

"Where's this 'misery' you spoke of, Cia? Whee hee hee!" Wizzro taunts. If you can't tell, he's enjoying himself.

Tingle didn't appreciate that. If this guy wants to fight with confetti, so be it! Tingle jumps to his feet, his face as red as the tomatoes in Marin's garden. He grabs a confetti popper and aims it at Wizzro's eye. He is too busy maliciously chuckling to himself, so Tingle just sets off the popper into Wizzro's mouth. The wizard can feel the confetti in his lungs. He coughs up most of it. He is done coughing in time to maneuver away from Tingle before another popper is set off in his robes.

Nothing productive gets done the rest of the day.

…

Oh, so Fi is the sword of the goddess Hylia herself? Nope, nope, double nope! Fi was a candidate until that. She also would have been very difficult to take control of in the event that Majora would want to use her power. After that, Majora heads to the Forsaken Fortress.

"Hey Majora, catch this!" calls Toon Link. He tosses a rock that is about the size of his sister's palm. The rock hits the inside of the mask. Majora turns around. One of its eyes is narrowed. Toon Link throws another rock despite the fact that he knows Majora doesn't have limbs. This rock hits Majora in the forehead. Now Majora is scowling without a mouth.

Toon Link throws his boomerang. Majora leans to the side to avoid it, keeping his eyes on Toon Link. The boomerang comes back, successfully hitting its target. Majora is peeved now. Toon Link throws a third rock, the forth object in total.

Majora catches this rock. Tetra and Toon Link become tense, mostly with surprise. Majora wants them to see what it's like. He launches the rock back at Toon Link like a baseball pitcher. The rock's velocity severely bruises Toon Link's right arm.

"Catch this!" Tetra throws her knife. This is a pointless task for Majora, but he does it anyway. Limbs are not required to catch a knife. This is the point when Toon Link knows it's time to flee. Tetra wants her knife back.

Majora flips the knife around and holds the handle out to Tetra. The pirate hesitates. Majora insists she take it, so she approaches. Just as she reaches for it, Majora tosses it over her head. Like a dog to a bone, she follows it. Majora continues on his way.

Hmm… isn't there another sword spirit?

…

With her mission complete, Ruto is ready to go home. She turns to her slave for the day and commands, "Carry me."

He wasn't paying attention. He looks at her just in time to react as she jumps backwards in his general direction. A warrior's natural instinct might be to catch her, but Wizzro doesn't have that instinct. She hits the ground flat on her back in front of him, the dust blowing up into his eye.

Ouch.

Ruto slowly sits back up as Wizzro rapidly blinks his eye. The princess scolds, "Who allows a lady to fall to the ground?!"

"You could have jumped into lava for all I care," Wizzro yawns. He stretches his arms out in front of him, hoping to hear a pop from his tight elbows. Ruto refuses to give up. She jumps to her feet and hops into his arms, this time facing forwards.

The Zora princess just makes a bigger fool of herself; Wizzro's arms snap at the shoulders like sticks on a branch in winter and plummet with Ruto to ground below.

" _Oowww!_ ^ &$# my shoulders!" the wizard bellows appropriately. Ruto doesn't even look up. She just wants to lay there for a few minutes. Wizzro looks at her and asks, "What is wrong with you, woman?" Ruto doesn't respond, but instead gets up and walks towards the lake.

On the edge of the water, Volga sits. He empties his water-logged boots. Ruto approaches him from behind. The dragon knight looks into the Zora's eyes. "Have you ever considered teaching your wizard some manners?" she complains.

"My wizard? Which one?" he replies. (Yes, he is kind of teasing her.)

She stutters, "You know, the one with the dislocated shoulders!"

Volga honestly doesn't know who Ruto is referring to, at least, not anymore. "What?" Ruto rolls her eyes and motions for him to follow. He does.

Wizzro is resting on the remains of a Stalmaster. He may lack legs, but he can still sit down. He is contemplating his life. Where did it all go wrong? Was it when he challenged Cia to a bet? Was it before that? Was it when he insisted to be revived after Cia sealed him in his ring form when he attempted to deflect to Ganondorf's side? Was it before that? Perhaps it was when Cia gave him a body. He should have just remained a ring. Yes, certainly that is where it went wrong.

Ruto returns with Volga. She gestures to Wizzro. Volga is immediately amused, so he begins to chuckle. This is something he doesn't usually do.

"What are you laughing at?!" bellows Volga's former co-servant. He stands, and his arms attach themselves back to his shoulders via magic. Ruto flinches.

Volga calms down. "I'm sorry. I don't know why your predicament was so amusing."

"You did look like a sorry pile of rags sitting on that Stalmaster," Ruto 'helpfully' comments. "I know I'm a sorry rag pile, thank you very much." Wizzro owns it.

Ruto takes Volga by the arm and asks, "Does he really have to follow me around?" Volga shrugs and replies, "He lost a bet, so I'm afraid he does. Only Cia is benefiting." In the background, Wizzro groans, "Yeah, no kidding."

"There's got to be something you can do about it, Volga," Ruto pleas.

The dragon smiles. "Tell you what, I'll tag along and make sure Wizzro treats you right. If he doesn't, Cia will hear about it," he compromises. Ruto supposes she'll be satisfied with that. She exits haughtily, expecting these men to follow her.

Wizzro approaches Volga. "I cannot express how much I hate you right now," he calmly grumbles before going around the knight to follow the princess. Volga nods with a half-smile. A gentleman should never snicker at someone's misfortune, but snickering at Wizzro's misfortune is an exception.

 **And finally, none of this would have ever happened if it weren't for the beginning-**

"There's no way you're taking the forest from Linkle."

"I'd be willing to wager that I will."

"Oh? Your stakes?"

"If I take the forest with my own army, you'll give me… your magic scepter. I can do anything I want with it, including beat you with it."

"Fair enough. But, if you fail to take the forest on your own, you'll agree to any terms I think of whilst you fight."

"Deal." And the two shake on it.

Meanwhile, Linkle hurries to equip her crossbows and trusty compass. She calls, "Skull Kid, I need to defend the forest."

"I'm coming with you!" he calls back, rushing from the kitchen to her room. She walks past him. He follows her out the front door. She pays no mind to him. Then she takes a wrong turn. "It's the other way!" Skull Kid calls. Linkle passes him again, saying, "Ok, you should probably come with." The forest child and the heroine rush to aid Faron Woods.

The battle is heated. Many of Wizzro's monsters are equipped with flaming weapons, just to make things interesting. Linkle keeps her distance from these monsters, sniping them from ludicrous distances.

Skull Kid isn't a long distance warrior. The flames could prove an issue. "AAAHH! Help! I'm on fire!"

"Stop, drop, and roll!" Linkle instructs. She tries to keep a calm composure, but there's a kid running around with flaming clothes. Instead of following the instructions, Skull Kid runs towards Linkle. Ok, Linkle is ready to panic now. She has to flee because not only is she starting to become surrounded, but her clothes are just as susceptible to burning.

The heroine spots a waterfall from an unknown source falling just beside the thick branches. She stops. She braves the flames, grabbing Skull Kid by the collar and drenching him in the waterfall.

"Aw, they haven't burned to death yet," mocks the enemy commander. "Should I kindle the Great Deku Tree again?"

"We won't let you lay a hand on the Great Deku Tree!" Linkle yells furiously. She almost forgets to pull Skull Kid out from under the waterfall.

The terms of the bet never said Wizzro couldn't lock an important keep. To assure victory, Wizzro takes and locks the fairy fountain, trusting the key to a single monster. That monster disguises itself amongst its colleagues.

"We're seriously outnumbered, Skull Kid," Linkle admits. "But if we give up, the forest is doomed." She reaches to take Skull Kid's hand. He takes a few deep breaths before taking her hand to be hauled to his feet.

Skull Kid receives a bit of insider's knowledge. He says, "Majora senses a key on one of these monsters."

"A key? To what?"

Skull Kid shrugs. They decide to split up and find this key. They begin to target enemy captains, not keeps. Wizzro notices this new development. He asks nobody in particular, "Why aren't they taking the keeps we can afford to lose?"

Majora spots a suspicious enemy and directs Skull Kid towards it. Skull Kid uses Majora's power to destroy that monster. A key drops from it. Skull Kid grabs the shiny key and declares, "Linkle, I got it!"

"Great! Maybe it goes to the fairy fountain!" She runs up from behind the kid. He tosses it over his shoulder, and Linkle catches it with ease. Her next destination is the fairy fountain.

Ok, perhaps that plan was a little faulty. Wizzro wonders why he didn't just swallow the key. At least then they'd have to wait a while to see it again. "You may have the key, but you still need to get past the gatekeeper!" he declares before summoning King Dodongo to the battlefield.

Linkle is only a few feet from the stairs when she is almost crushed by the Giant Boss. With swarms of monsters behind her, and only Skull Kid as an ally, Linkle knows that her only hope now is some assistance from the Great Fairy.

Skull Kid quickly approaches. The lizard beast targets him because he is the fastest moving object in sight. Linkle seizes this opportunity by crawling out from under the lizard and dashing to the fairy fountain doors. Wizzro is immediately aware of Linkle's presence in the fountain. He would go there himself to stop her, but there are just too many cuccos!

King Dodongo's tough scales are sufficient protection from the dark magic it is being assaulted with. Skull Kid begins to run out of space to back up into. The beast swipes its claws at its prey to keep it from falling off the branches. Skull Kid goes spiraling onto the ground.

Majora falls from the trees. Skull Kid lifts his exposed face. He can clearly see the feet of Wizzro's army. The smarter monster soldiers direct King Dodongo to the fairy fountain. The fate of Skull Kid is in their hands.

Linkle clutches her compass in her palm, holding it up by the top of her head while she pleas to the Great Fairy. She heard Skull Kid's cry, warning her that time is fleeting. King Dodongo is able to roll into the fountain, occupying much of the available space. Linkle gasps.

Her prayers are heard. The Great Fairy emerges from the water during her spin kick. King Dodongo receives this kick to the lip. Ouch. Linkle watches in awe as the Great Fairy wrestles with the beast. It's not every day you see that.

Wizzro's monster soldiers feel pleasure in torturing this powerless forest child. They pretend to lunge their weapons at him, laughing when he cries in fear. On the ground below, Majora wakes up. He quickly returns to the battlefield. He is embarrassed watching Skull Kid cry in the face of the enemy. The kid is incapable of fighting and defending himself without outside help. He is compelled by pity to take his place on Skull Kid's face once again. Once there, Skull Kid unleashes a surge of Majora's magic, effectively freeing him from his tormentors.

The climax of the battle has passed, the favor for Linkle. The Great Fairy emerges from the fountain with the bloody skins of the king in her fists. Cia, watching the battle through a crystal ball, suddenly feels queasy.

"WHAT?! She tore King Dodongo into reptile meat?! Since when does the Great Fairy get physical!?" screams the wizard. Linkle leaps gallantly from the top of the fairy fountain stairs. She lands on her feet, and the momentum lets her keep on going. The Great Fairy clears the way.

Wizzro desperately attempts to call another Giant Boss, but is unsuccessful. With his remaining strength, he sets a barrier on the keep he has wedged himself into. The Great Fairy shatters that barrier with ease. Wizzro flees into the ground, but he can't escape the Great Fairy. She plucks Wizzro out of the ground like Tingle plucks a rupee from Link's pocket.

Linkle aims her crossbows up at Wizzro and demands that he leave the forest, taking his army with him. In the commotion, he forgot the stakes. He admits defeat. The Great Fairy drops him. She and Linkle begin to clean up the forest.

The wizard brushes himself off. Cia warps to the battlefield. Her laugh alerts Wizzro to her presence. He freezes as a wave of realization washes over him. If he had skin, he'd be as pale as a Hylian spirit.

"What a show! I felt like I was watching an action movie," the sorceress says as she passes the ring wraith from behind. "Although, there's something I feel like I'm forgetting. Do you remember something about a wager?"

"No?" he murmurs.

Cia faces Wizzro. "Ah, now I remember! You fell like Termina's moon, which means that I won our little bet. That means we get to try that little idea I had during your battle." Uh oh—Cia kept her word and thought of the stakes while he was at war. What horrible fate did her twisted mind conjure up for him? Frankly, he'd rather not know.

Cia reveals, "I wondered how you would fare as a servant to the other warriors."

That… didn't sound painful. "What?" the wizard questions.

The dark half of the Guardian of Time shrugs as she smiles. "Starting tomorrow, you will serve a single warrior each day until every warrior has been served. Of course, the order in which you serve them will be my choosing, but until all of the warriors have had their turn, you're bound. Does that make sense?"

"Yes? But I fail to see how you benefit from this," Wizzro explains. Don't get him wrong; he'd much rather Cia not benefit from this, but when she could clearly profit from his loss, why does she not?

Cia chuckles inside before stating, "I do benefit from this. Your misery is entertaining. I could subject you to pain, but your constant screaming would give me a headache, so this is the next best thing."

This woman is more twisted than this wizard could ever be.

Instead of contributing to the clean-up effort, Skull Kid rests. He lies on his back, eyes closed. He listens to the methodical throbbing of his burns. The child is disturbed when Majora dislodges himself from his puppet.

"You realize how pathetic your display was, right?"

Skull Kid sits up. His right eyebrow is raised, his facial expression conveying confusion. Majora turns to face him. Skull Kid asks, "What do you mean? We won."

The mask disagrees. "No, Linkle won. I don't mean to be the ugly truth, but you were more of a nuisance than anything during that fight."

Ouch. Skull Kid's fists begin to tremble. He stutters, "I helped. Linkle needed me."

"But you needed me, Skull Kid," Majora stresses. "I watched you. You could have punched those monsters straight in the face, but you didn't. You just… cried."

Skull Kid is on the verge of tears. His heart hardens, however, and he swallows his sobs. "But you need me!" he tries to yell, but it only comes out as pitchy.

Coldly, Majora replies, "But I don't." That breaks the child. Skull Kid has his ocarina, his trumpet, and his fairies, but without Majora, other warriors would have crushed him by now. Majora is the real warrior, not him. He refuses to cry in front of Majora, so he takes off his hat and begins to bite the rim.

Majora continues by saying, "Hey, for a kid your age, you worked very hard. I've never seen you run as fast as you did today when your shorts were ablaze. But I worked harder."

That's true. Skull Kid realizes that he never even thanks Majora for all the magic. Skull Kid stands up and says, "You're right. I'm sorry. From now on, I'll work harder. Maybe I could ask Linkle to teach me a few moves."

"Yeah, you do that." Majora begins to float away.

Skull Kid is aghast. He asks wildly, "Where are you going?"

Majora doesn't even look back as he replies, "Isn't it obvious? I'm going to find someone who can take care of themselves."

"What?!" hollers Skull Kid. "I take care of myself! You don't see me accepting food like a baby!"

"You cry like a baby." Burn.

"I do not!"

"Do to."

"No I don't!"

"I'm on your face all the time. Yes, you cry like an infant."

"SHUT UP!"

Nearby, Linkle has stopped to watch.

"Look, I apologized for depending on you too much in battle, but I do NOT cry like baby!" Skull Kid angrily yells.

Majora rolls his eyes. Skull Kid saw that. He proceeds to storm off, hopping into the forest and disappearing. Linkle calls out to him to no avail. "Uh, ok. Bye!" says Majora. He turns around. Linkle is right up on him. She demands to know what happened. Majora casually explains, "Eh, I told him I didn't appreciate how I'm always the one hauling the weight between us. He said he'd try to man up, but I don't know; his display today was pretty bad, with and without me."

Linkle defends, "You're awfully hard on him. He's just a kid."

"So are you," snaps Majora. "Seriously, how old are you? Fourteen? Maybe sixteen and a half? That's as high as I'm going."

Linkle is appalled. She yells back, "Well, how old are you? Three?"

Majora laughs. "I'm older than the Twilight Realm itself, sister."

"If that's the case, why don't you act your age?" Linkle retorts.

Majora begins to disappear. He leaves Linkle hanging with this- "Because most people my age are dead."

Like that, Linkle is alone in the forest. She can't believe she just had an argument with a mask. Great, now she's insane and she still can't navigate. Just fabulous!

 **There's my story. I suppose you could read each segment from the top to the bottom backwards, and my tale will still make sense, but that's too much work. I'll be on Skull Kid's face if you need me. Bye!**

* * *

Author's Notes- This was a long one, but it was an absolute joy to write. This one was inspired by two great suggestions from CupcakeGal25 and killerpokeball97. Many thanks to both of you. Remember that game of Would you Rather I wanted the warriors to play? Chapter 15 isn't very far away. Any last Would you Rather questions you guys have, please share them. Majora mentioned Yuga and Ravio in this story. They are scheduled to arrive in Hyrule by train after chapter 15, just as a heads up. I eagerly await future suggestions for chapters.


	14. Story 14

14\. Would You Rather?

Not long ago, Zelda received a call from a very happy train conductor. She was told to meet them at the station in two days; the final warriors were arriving early. The princess calls for Link and says, "Tell the warriors that we're meeting at Hyrule Park tomorrow."

Today is yesterday's tomorrow. Zelda just wanted a meeting, but most warriors brought food, so it's a picnic meeting. They have the entire park to themselves, so space isn't an issue, not to mention that the park is free. That's some expenses that Impa doesn't have to calculate into the royal budget, so she's happy.

All Cia has to do to get everyone's attention is stand up. Young Link and Toon Link pause their game and regroup. Cia announces, "Things are going to run a little differently this time. As you all know, a mysterious entity has been collecting questions designed for us. A game called Would You Rather, I believe, is the plan."

Honestly and truly, Agitha is excited. Proxi asks Cia, "Are you going to read all of the question?"

"Even better, we're just going to see them in bold letters," the sorceress replies.

Proxi isn't sure what that means, but she'll soon enough find out.

If that's the case, let the questions begin!

 **Tingle, would you rather meet your Wind Waker counterpart OR your Minish Cap counterpart?**

"And we're off to a great start," sarcastically remarks the hero. Zelda frowns in his direction. He shrugs it off.

Tingle isn't sure, so he asks, "Why? What's the difference? They're all me, right?"

"There are like… 30 of you in my era," Toon Link replies. Tingle laughs and replies, "But none of them are as wonderful as I." Ganondorf is considering making nametags, Ghirahim #1 and Ghirahim #2, so he can tell which one is actually the demon lord. Otherwise telling the difference will be unnecessarily difficult.

"But enough teasing," interjects the man in question. "If I had to choose, I suppose I would meet my Minish Cap counterpart. Why, you ask? Well, why not?"

Before they move on, Zelda makes an interesting observation. She asks, "Wait, why is Tingle constantly reincarnated? Link, Ganondorf and I are reincarnated because of our curse, and Impa is somewhat involved, but… why Tingle?" The truth is nobody knows, not even the Guardian of Time.

 **Cia, would you rather have Link all to yourself OR be remerged with Lana?**

Cia smiles. She asks, "Isn't it obvious? Becoming one with Lana makes no difference in my life, but Link… yes, all of Link just for me. That is my choice."

Lana doesn't know if she would be offended that her other half would choose Link over her. But then again, she probably would have chosen the same.

 **Zelda, would you rather pet a Remlit or handle boring paperwork?**

Hyrule's princess rests her chin in her palm. She supposes that one is depending. If it is a friendly Remlit, why wouldn't she rather pet it? On the other hand, paperwork is predictable. "That's choosy," she responds. "But I might take my chances with the Remlit. Who knows? It might be a day where paperwork just doesn't sound appealing."

 **Princess Ruto, would you rather be engaged to Link despite having Young Link as your fiancé until he gets older OR continue to be engaged to Young Link but he's wearing his Zora Mask?**

Age or race: which is more appealing to Ruto?

"Wait, we're engaged?!" Young Link was not informed.

"Wait, you're engaged to an older woman?!" Darunia was not informed either.

Ruto rolls her eyes. She explains, "He was my age when he promised to marry me." Darunia is still not ok with this. He needs to go sit down.

After careful consideration, Ruto makes a decision- "I think I would rather have my Link, but be a Zora. Just because he's one of us doesn't mean he's a different person."

 **YL, would you rather be Tingle's son, OR his wingman at his wedding? (You won't end up as both)**

Now Young Link can fret about something else. "I have to be Tingle's wingman or his son?!" he yells.

"Only hypothetically," Tetra assures. She is spinning her cutlass on her forefinger. Fi is watching intently, trying to predict when it will fly off and who it will hit.

The prepubescent hero begins to think aloud- "Well, if I was his son, would that change who I am? Would I still be friends with Saria? Wait, how long would Tingle's wedding be? If it is short, I might be able to get out of there before I'm recognized."

No matter what YL would prefer now, Tingle's feelings are hurt. But ultimately, YL would choose to be the wingman. He's never been to a wedding before, and going to one strange wedding won't scar him for life… hopefully.

 **Cia, would you rather have a Link body pillow or a statue of Link shirtless?**

"Excuse me, but these questions are becoming a little too personal. Can I request we ask Cia a different question?"

Cia snickers before mocking, "Does that question make you uncomfortable, Zelda?"

"I'll be honest, that question makes me uncomfortable," Link admits. He would rather these women not have body pillows of him.

The dark sorceress ignores Link. "Can the body pillow be shirtless, too?" Lana's face falls into her hands. She might cry.

 **Fi, would you rather switch roles with Ghirahim (meaning you'll be the demon blade and Ghirahim would be the goddess blade) OR compete against a super computer in a chess match?**

Zelda adds, "The submitter of this question also said 'there's a 70% chance that you'll have trouble with this one', Fi."

The sword spirit considers this question analytically. She concludes, "If Ghirahim took my place as Hylia's sword, it is highly probable that the hero would kill himself. I cannot take that risk, so I must compete with the super computer. I believe I like chess, anyways."

Ghirahim was just roasted so hard that Zant could make s'mores from the heat. Ganondorf and the minion just mentioned will pester Ghirahim with this one for ages.

 **Agitha: Stag beetles OR ants**?

Agitha gasps in horror. "No! They are both so wonderful!" She proceeds to cry.

 **Ok! Ok, how about this instead? Would you rather bugs that fly OR bugs that swim?**

The girl perks up. "OOO! I prefer bugs that fly. Many of them have really pretty wings." She touches the fake wings on her back, assuring she is wearing them. Sometimes she forgets to put them on in the morning. She remembered this morning.

 **Fi, would you rather fight three Bokoblin-sized Imprisoneds OR one Imprisoned-sized Bokoblin?**

Ghirahim nods, saying, "Another question for her. A little more logic in this one."

Fi examines the pros and cons of each scenario. Ultimately, she concludes that an Imprisoned-sized Bokoblin is less of a threat than three Bokoblin-sized Imprisoneds. That is her choice.

"But what if the question means the captain Bokoblins instead of the little minions?" Midna challenges. Fi's answer does not change.

 **Ganondorf, would you rather married a rock OR get beaten by a woman again?**

"What?" is all Ganondorf can say. Several warriors are laughing aloud. Ganondorf stutters, "No, seriously, this question is grammatically incorrect. Am I wedding a rock, or giving a rock and its… significant other the whole 'and do you take blank to be your lawfully wedded' spiel?"

Now the warriors that were laughing before are laughing even harder, and the warriors that weren't laughing are now laughing.

Furthermore, "The other half of the question is also incorrect, so I cannot answer this one." Pride successfully salvaged.

 **Link, would you rather date Cia OR Ruto?**

Yep, this is just what Link needed right now, especially after Cia's body pillow question.

With a sigh, Link responds, "I'm going to have to say Ruto. I don't want to hurt anybody's feelings, but that's the truth."

Cia nods. "It's alright. That doesn't mean your opinion can't change."

 **Zelda, would you rather wear Cia's clothes for a day OR Zant's clothes for a day?**

Well, at least it's not a relationship question, the princess thinks to herself. "Basically the question is would I rather be just barely modest or completely hidden under my clothes."

Zant says, "If you need to, you can lower the helmet." He demonstrated by doing so before adding, "I personally like having that option."

"You know," Zelda mutters. "I think I'm honestly going to have to say Cia's clothes, just because I'm afraid I'll trip over the sleeves."

The Twilight King nods, saying, "That is true. When your sleeves are this long, it helps to be my height."

 **Linkle, would you rather use crossbows and Pegasus boots at the same time OR eat some eggs?**

Linkle feels rejuvenated. She replies, "I don't see a downside to using both my crossbows and my boots at the same time. That'd be awesome! I should try that sometime! You'll fight me, right Skull Kid?"

"Only if there is something in it for me," answers the kid.

 **Ghirahim, would you rather have a bad hair day OR resurrect your master only to have him destroy you?**

"Gah! I'll be destroyed either way!"

Midna finds that answer amusing. She says, "Dude, I'm pretty sure you'll live even if your hair looks terrible."

Ghirahim gets into Midna's personal space while frantically stuttering, "No, no, no, you don't understand. If my hair is ruined, I'm ruined. Nobody can _ever_ see me on a bad hair day, or I'll die."

The Twilight Princess looks at the hero. "Here that, Link!" she calls. "You just need to catch Ghirahim on a bad hair day, and the world is saved."

"If only that worked for Ganondorf," snidely remarks Zelda, which gets a laugh out of Link.

The demon lord calms down, finally answering, "But, if I must choose, I would rather Demise be my end than my hair." Ganondorf nods and says, "Good to know."

 **Midna and Zant, would you rather be a Goron OR a Zora?**

Zant is intrigued, asking, "A question for both of us?"

"Well, as you know, I'm a pretty big fan of my true form," Midna states. "But if I must be something else, I'd say a Goron. Just based off of what Darunia has told me, Gorons are a chill people who just wanna have fun. I could live that way."

Darunia is truly proud. "And that's why you're a brother, Midna."

Zant crosses his arms and asks, "Are you sure about that, Midna? The Zora are a structured society under the rule of a monarch. Surely, their kind will live on through the ages. That is why I am siding with the Zoras."

"See? Someone understands," remarks the Zora Princess.

Midna gives Zant a nasty glare. "We can never agree, can we?"

"Nope."

 **Lana, would you rather cast a giant Cucco spell OR try to out sexy Cia?**

The light sorceress takes a moment to understand the question. She then asks, "Wait, I _am_ Cia, so shouldn't I already be as sexy as her?"

Many warriors are shaking their heads. Proxi is the only one brave enough to say, "In all honesty, you're really not much like Cia. You look like her, but your personalities are polar opposite."

"Exactly! I look like her, so I should be as sexy as her." She claps her hands once and says, "There! That's my answer. One day I'm going to out-sexy you, Cia."

Lana's other half guffaws before saying, "Good luck with that."

 **Skull Kid, would you rather be able to read the minds of your fairy friends OR be able to read Majora's mind?**

Upon hearing his name, Skull Kid wakes up. "What? A question for me?"

"UH, yeah," mumbles Young Link. "Do you need the question repeated?"

Skull Kid shakes his head and explains that he just wasn't expecting that. He proceeds to answer, "Oh, Majora's mind, definitely." He doesn't know why; he just thinks Majora would be more interesting.

 **Darunia, spend a day racing OR feasting on high quality Rock Sirloin?**

The Goron is torn. He replies, "As much as I love racing, I think I'd rather sit down with an endless buffet. I might not be able to get up the next day, but it would be worth it."

 **Darunia, would you rather arm wrestle with Ganondorf on a platform above lava OR give Link a "Goron Hug" while under water (when wearing the Zora Tunic)?**

His fellow warriors have to snap him out of his sirloin fantasies. He asks, "Wait, another one for me? Two in a row?" All Zelda can say is that the question order is randomized, and it just happened to randomly pick two for him in a row.

Eventually Darunia shrugs this off and considers the question. "Arm wrestle with Ganondorf above lava? That'd be a _hot_ competition." And he laughs at his own pun. One or two warriors laugh with him, while the rest cringe.

"As for my second option… wait, am _I_ wearing the Zora Tunic, or is Link wearing the Zora Tunic?" This generates a few laughs. Link explains that he thinks the question is saying that he's wearing the tunic, not Darunia. With that out of the way, Darunia says, "I'll give Link a hug anywhere but underwater, so arm wrestling with Ganondorf it is."

 **Wizzro, would you rather be stuck as a ring forever OR work for Cia forever?**

The twisted wizard expresses disappointment before asking, "Aw, why couldn't my first question be a dirty relationship question?"

"We'll skip over you if you don't answer!" Impa threatens.

As calm as ever, Wizzro holds up a hand and says, "Hey, I'm just having a little fun. We're twenty questions in, and this is my first one."

"You've been counting?" asks Midna.

Wizzro ignores her and thinks about his "would you rather" question. This time he give a genuine frown. He says, "Neither of these options is good. The point of this game is to have an option that is better than the other."

Volga slowly nods, saying, "That's why you get to choose which one you prefer." "But I hate both of these," whines the wizard, turning towards Volga in the process.

For once, Lana loses her patience. "And moving on!"

 **Cia, would you rather "Have a partner who is blind" OR "Have a partner who is deaf"**

"These are in quotation marks, so are they theoretical? Do they have a double meaning?"

Lana examines the question, deciding, "I don't think so. Just, which do you prefer?" Cia responds, "Well, if they're blind, they can't witness my beauty, so I suppose they just have to be deaf."

Now Ganondorf needs three nametags; Ghirahim 1, 2, and 3. Three will even be a different gender!

 **Agitha, would you rather have a Gohma for a pet OR a cute little mantis?**

The little girl gasps with joy, bursting with imagination. "Wow!" she exclaims. "A cute little mantis, please!" Several shoulders drop in disappointment. Wizzro really wanted to actually give Agitha a Gohma for her birthday. (He guesses he still could, but he wouldn't be able to say "but you said you wanted one during our game of Would You Rather".)

 **Link, would you rather be the one to set up a date with you and a girl of your choosing OR go on a date with a guy but not realize it was a date until afterwards?**

Link bellows, "WHAT?!" Almost every warrior is in uproar with laughter. Even the innocent Medli found that hysterical. She comments, "That's messed up."

With his hands out in front of him, Link replies, "I'd obviously rather pick a girl to go on a date with. At least I'd know what I was getting myself into."

 **Midna, would you rather remain in your real form OR have your Link back with you?**

"Hmm…" she expresses. "That's a tough one. If I had to be cursed, at least the Link from my time is ok with being a wolf."

"What makes you think I wouldn't want to be a wolf?" the Link from the current era asks. Midna looks at him. They stare at each other for a solid thirty seconds before Midna looks forward again and replies, "Yeah, but I think I'd rather go back to my real form and stay like that."

 **Agitha, would you rather have the power to turn anything into candy OR marry Link?**

Agitha's finger comes up to her chin, and her head turns. "I don't know. Which Link are we talking about?"

"Agitha!" Zelda exclaims in horror.

The girl giggles as she says, "No, really, I do like Young Link. If he'd marry me, that'd be great."

Young Link wasn't paying attention. "What?" he asks with the derpiest expression.

 **Toon Link, would you rather ride the Spirit Train OR continue riding on the King of Red Lions (King Daphnes)?**

Toon Link looks at King Daphnes and says, "I do miss the days we sailed the seas together." The king is flattered. TL answers, "Yeah, if King D would let me, I'd like to go back to the good old days on the sea. I'm not bothered knowing that he's not actually a boat."

 **Volga, would you rather be in human form forever OR in dragon form forever?**

The dragon knight is thankful for a question he can logically reason out. He explains, "There are benefits to both forms. I was born a dragon, so even though my fighting style would change, I would rather never take a human form." Everyone stares at him, waiting for more. When he notices, he defends, "What? That's my reasoning."

 **Ghirahim, would you rather use cheap conditioner OR not brush/comb your hair?**

"I swear, you all are in cahoots! You put your heads together to come up with questions you knew would torture me!" he accuses. Fi believes she is feeling amusement.

Ganondorf doesn't have the patience for any more nonsense, so he demands, "Just answer the question!"

"Well, if you must know," Ghirahim suavely states. "My hair rarely, if ever, becomes tangled, so I'll take my chances and not brush my hair if it means I can still use my choice conditioner." That was more drama than it was worth.

 **Proxi, would you rather get into a cat fight with Young Link's friend Navi if she were around OR Skull Kid's friend Tatl?**

Me, really, thinks the fairy in question. She is in the spotlight, which is actually quite intimidating. Both of Skull Kid's fairy friends are listening intently. Link gives Proxi an assuring nod. Now assured, Proxi is ready to answer. She says, "From what I've heard, I'd have a better chance at winning against Tatl, so I guess I'd fight her if I had to."

"What?!" cries Tael's sister. She shakes with fury. Proxi boldly faces her furious competitor companion. "You heard me," she snaps. Tatl is already swinging fists. Skull Kid uses his hat as a net to catch and pull Tatl back. If he lets go, someone could get hurt.

 **Link, would you rather run around in your birthday suit OR date your mare?**

The hero face-palms. Zelda is struggling to remain civilized. Impa is beginning to wonder if Link was given any modest questions that don't involve relationships in any way.

Medli asks, "You mean that handsome tux you wore on your birthday? I don't think that ever made it back from the dry-cleaners."

"The other birthday suit, Medli," snickers Midna. She might be a princess, too, but that doesn't mean she has to think like one. Perhaps it's best if Medli doesn't ask questions from here.

Link claps when he cleverly conceives a logical escape from this one. "I could easily break-up with Epona. There! I'd date Epona."

Ghirahim snaps to get Fi's attention. He says, "I propose we play Truth or Dare at the next meeting. I'm curious to see what dares these demented entities ponder." Zant laughs. Fi doesn't hesitate to disregard that suggestion.

 **Ganondorf, would you rather have another weapon suited for the King of Evil OR fight with your bare fists like in Smash bros?**

Many beautiful memories of Smash Brothers play like a slideshow in Ganondorf's head. Nothing is quite as satisfying as tossing Link out of the sky, an explosion confirming that the hero has been KO'd. Not to mention the other crushable opponents: twin plumbers and their shelled nemesis; a pink puffball, a masked swordsman, and a hammer-swinging penguin; a blue-haired prince and a buff warrior; that's just scratching the surface.

With all that said, Ganondorf replies, "I can picture myself punching Cia into oblivion. Yeah, I'd go into battle without a weapon."

"Didn't anyone teach you that it's rude to hit a lady?" Ruto chastises.

 **Wizzro, would you rather not hear voices in your head OR be treated with respect?**

Wizzro faces his fellow warriors. "It would be nice _for once_ to get some respect around here!" Several warriors are giggling.

Zelda retorts, "To earn respect, you must first give respect." Well played, Princess. Wizzro is furious enough to claw her eyes out, but fortunately for Zelda, Volga is there to get between her and Wizzro.

A solid five minutes passes before Wizzro is calm enough to answer the question. He confesses, "Don't tell them, but the voices keep me company… sometimes at inappropriate times, but whatever. So which would I rather? Obviously I would rather get some respect for once."

 **Cia, would you rather spy on Link OR create a love trap?**

"Is the trap guaranteed to be successful?"

"Cia!" scolds the sorceress's other half.

Cia chuckles on the inside. She takes a deep breath before answering, "It's my job to spy on Link, so I do that anyways. I'd try the love trap." Link is still uncomfortable. The least this woman could do is lie.

 **Volga, would you rather serve Ganondorf OR carry Ruto for a month?**

Volga 'hmph's as he crosses his arms. "I do not serve those who are not worthy of my service, to any extent."

Ganondorf feigns surprise. He asks, "I'm not worthy?"

"You have yet to beat me in a fair fight," replies Volga.

Ruto snaps with a smirk. She reminds Volga, "If that's the case, I must be worthy." "Wha-?! I was underwater! That wasn't a fair fight!" he defends.

It is demanded that Volga give an answer, so he reasons the scenario out logically. His intuition tells him that he would be more likely to fight if he served Ganondorf, so he would rather serve Ganondorf.

 **Impa, would you rather become a Cucco OR wear a bikini in battle?**

Suddenly she prefers the questions that make Link uncomfortable.

"I don't think I've ever seen you in a bikini, Impa," thinks Princess Zelda aloud. Impa mutters, "Trust me, you wouldn't want to." And she'll leave it at that.

It ultimately boils down to the safety and well-being of the princess and Hyrule. If wearing a bikini to battle meant that her ability to battle was not hindered, then so be it. She makes her decision; "I'm going to have to say that I'd rather wear a bikini in battle. I would not be as useful to my princess as a Cucco."

"What if Zelda was starving?" Link asks. Distraught, Linkle's jaw falls open. The warriors who understood the irony of Link's question are laughing outrageously. Those who didn't get it aren't quite sure what everyone is laughing about, or why Zelda is so horrified.

 **Lana, would you rather have a Link body pillow OR a statue of Link shirtless?**

"This again?!" bellows Zelda. Lana's face is the brightest red it has ever been. She barely utters, "Do I have to answer this?" Link says no, but everyone else wants Lana to answer. Fi is indifferent.

Lana is shaking her head, avoiding eye contact with Link at all costs. "UM… a statue?" She shrugs.

"No, Lana!" calls Lana's other half. "You have to be assertive! You _want_ that statue! Maybe you'll get it someday!"

Zelda unsheathes her rapier. She _can and will_ fight that dirty sorceress. Both child incarnations of Link notice Zelda's action and begin to chant "Fight! Fight! Fight!" Skull Kid joins them… and Wizzro. And now Zant, too. Wha-?! Midna! Not you too!

Unfortunately for them, Zelda likes to think she is more civilized than Cia, so she sheathes her rapier and sits down.

Ruto kinda wants that body pillow… just sayin'.

 **Midna, spend a day with Zant OR Agitha?**

The Twilight Princess guffaws and asks, "Are we just assuming now that the question is 'would you rather?' We don't need the beginning of the question?"

"No, no we don't," bluntly remarks Tetra. Toon Link can't believe she hasn't said anything until now. But then again, she might have been napping this entire time, but he wouldn't know since he was staring at Marin.

Now Midna is actually thinking about the question. Hmmm…. Hmmm… huh?

"Midna, this shouldn't be a hard question." Link states on the verge of laughter. "If this helps," interjects Zant. "I have actually spent almost an entire day with Agitha. She's not that bad; a little terrifying, but she's sweet."

Agitha nods with a giggle. "Thank you, Zant." She would curtsy, but she is currently sitting on a picnic blanket.

Ganondorf is giving Zant a disapproving head shake. He says, "We need to get your priorities straight." Agitha's cheeks puff up. She's ready to defend the treacherous Twili.

Midna shrugs, finally coming to a decision. "For Zant's sake, I'd rather spend a day with Agitha. If I spent a day with him, he might not live to see the next day." "After admitting what he just admitted, he might not live to see the next day regardless," comments the demon lord.

Much to Zant's relief, Fi confirms, "I have already calculated the odds that Zant will arise tomorrow, and it is likely that he will."

 **Marin, would you rather have a singing contest against Fi OR start a band with some of the warriors that use instruments?**

"That's tough," says Marin without hesitation. "I would say a band, but there isn't a lot of variety in instruments. I know Medli and Sheik play the harp, but so do I. Young Link and Skull Kid both play the ocarina, but…" She has to pause.

"But what?" the forest child interrogates, quickly growing impatient. She shrugs, admitting, "I guess I just have high standards. You guys aren't exactly the best."

Toon Link and Tetra thought that was funny. Young Link is napping by Darunia, so he doesn't really care. Skull Kid, on the other hand, is greatly offended. He whips out his ocarina to prove Marin wrong. He performs a very impressive segment of "Flight of the Bumblebee".

Marin only chuckles. She asks that someone bring her an ocarina. Toon Link happily obliges, and before they know it, she and Skull Kid are in an ocarina battle.

This only lasts for about three minutes, as Skull Kid nearly passes out from lack of oxygen. Marin counts that as a victory. Handing off the ocarina she borrowed, she answers, "After that, you all might not believe me when I say that I prefer to sing. I'd rather face Fi in a singing contest."

Fi accepts the challenge… another time, maybe.

 **Toon Link, do you prefer to spend time with Tetra OR Princess Zelda? (The submitter says, "Sorry in advance if any feelings get hurt! Also Impa please don't kill him if he says Tetra.")**

Tetra shakes her head. "Only those as tough as nails can sail the seas. Say anything, I won't care," she dares.

"Ok," TL says confidently. "Zelda is so much nicer. I prefer Zelda."

…Oh. Wow, um… Tetra didn't think Toon Link would be able to choose so easily. Good to know that he prefers her alternate ego instead of who she feels she truly is. …Tetra needs a drink. Anyone got some Lon Lon Milk?

 **Agitha, would you rather be turned into a bird OR a frog?**

It doesn't matter that frogs are slimy; Agitha's choice first and foremost depends on each animal's relationship to insects. "But both of those eat bugs! I don't want to be either!"

A few of Agitha's fellow warriors found that humorous. Link attempts to get an answer out of Agitha by saying, "Not all birds eat bugs. Penguins are birds."

"Oh, yes! I would like to be a bird that doesn't eat bugs, please," the Insect Princess requests with a nod.

 **Impa, fail to protect Zelda OR fail to protect the general population of Hyrule?**

These questions are progressively harder with each one. This one, in particular, is absolutely impossible. The issue is the population is doomed either way. If Impa ever failed to protect Zelda (…oh wait), the kingdom would fall without a ruler. However, what would be the point of saving the princess if there is no kingdom for her to rule afterwards?

Back to the parentheses, Impa remembers something about the war. She says, "I recently learned that the princess is more than capable of protecting herself, so it would be in the kingdom's best interest if I protected the general population."

Zelda's shoulders slump. "Is this about the Lens of Truth nonsense? I thought you were relieved to see I was ok."

"I was, but then I felt betrayed because I was left to worry about you for a long time. And you watched me worry the entire time!"

See what these questions do? They cause drama. This is supposed to be funny, not dramatic.

 **Midna, would you rather #BeatUpUglyZant OR spooning a wolf?**

Looking down at her phone, Midna guffaws and says, "Hashtag beat up ugly Zant, no hesitation." She looks up and asks, "Have you guys been on my Facebook? I just posted that hashtag yesterday." Her phone creates a small "ding" sound, grabbing her attention again. "Ghirahim is following me."

"Take a look at the pic I posted yesterday," he softly demands.

Midna nearly falls out of her metaphorical chair hovering above the ground, bellowing, "What in the name of Din?! THAT never happened!" Ghirahim is trying not to turn red in the face whilst laughing. Zant peaks over his shoulder at his phone, which is currently displaying the photo he posted yesterday. "Oh yes, because that pic is totally not photoshopped," he sarcastically remarks. The irony of the situation is no less humorous, though.

 **Zelda, would you rather watch Link make a self-sacrifice in a battle OR commit a self-sacrifice to save Link in a battle?**

As terrible as thinking about either situation is, Zelda does believe she knows what she would do if that situation presented itself. She replies, "Hyrule needs the hero. I would rather sacrifice myself to save Link, in a battle or not… for Hyrule's sake."

Thinking to himself, Link would sacrifice himself for Zelda… but not for Hyrule's sake.

 **Majora, would you rather use a puppet OR wreak havoc on your own?**

Everyone looks at Skull Kid, particularly Skull Kid's mask, curious to see if he'll actually respond. Majora does, asking, "Why do you think I let this kid use my power all the time?" There is an anticlimactic moment of silence. "What?" says the mask to break the silence. "Was that not clear? I obviously _could_ wreak havoc on my own, but I choose not to."

"A little sour today?" Skull Kid questions. Majora is going through the motions. It stutters, "I'm fine. Leave me alone." One of the few benefits to being a mask is not having tear glands, so crying is physically impossible. Majora never wants to cry because he thinks it would be embarrassing.

Perhaps right now is not a good time…

 **Tetra, pirate OR princess?**

"Pirate all the way!" she announces. But she still has some leftover spunk, so she exclaims "argh" like a true terror of the seas.

 **Skull Kid, would you rather keep Tatl OR Tael?**

He flinches before exclaiming, "Why can't I just have both!? That's not fair!"

Majora wipes the 'tears' away. "It's just a question, dummy. Nothing is actually gonna happen."

Oh… If that's the case, Skull Kid would definitely keep Tael. "What?!" cries Tatl. "Bros for life, sis," taunts Tael. Skull Kid has since apologized for hitting him, and they have developed an almost brotherly relationship since Termina.

Fine! Tatl's got Link, and that's what matters.

 **Linkle, do you prefer your crossbows OR your boots?**

Linkle shrugs. She actually just happens to be wearing her boots. But in all honesty, she's been protecting her cuccos with her crossbows for much longer than she has been kicking the tar out of people. She answers, "I'm quite fond of my crossbows, and unless the situation calls for close-quarters combat, my bows are my first choice."

That was surprisingly simple.

 **Ghirahim, would you rather give up on looking FABULOUS for a whole day OR have one of the girls put make up on you without your input for a whole day?**

"Now let's get real here," the demon haughtily declares. "When am I ever _not_ fabulous?" He might have Facebook followers, but there is no one who calls "preach!" or anything remotely similar.

"But seriously, I suppose it depends on which girl we're talking about. My make up is important, so it must be a girl who can get it right, preferable one who knows how to use mascara that doesn't run when washed with water. It is only impossible to get off if you don't know how, darlings."

Ganondorf might regret his curious fantasies about Ghirahim's bathroom, now.

 **Fi, paradoxes OR 100% guaranteed failure?**

"There is nothing that can be done about a guaranteed failure; however, that is not necessarily a bad thing. A paradox is an endless issue that can never be resolved. Failure is a solution, and is consequentially my choice." Well said, Fi. Well said.

 **Toon Zelda, would you rather be human again but never become a spirit again OR never be human again but be able to possess anything and anybody?**

The clanks of gently rustling metal are heard. Currently possessing the armor of a Phantom, Toon Zelda sways back and forth with innocent excitement. Everyone watches her. There is something charming about the childlike suit of armor.

TZ exits the armor for a breath of fresh air. It'll help her think about the question. She answers, "Please realize that when I possess Phantoms, I'm doing it to help a greater cause. I'd much rather have my body back."

"But if you could possess anything?" Tetra reminds.

Toon Zelda shakes her head briskly. "I know how it feels to have someone else's spirit in your body. It's not fun, and I wouldn't wish it upon anybody else!" she strongly claims.

 **Lana, go on a picnic with Link OR pick flowers with him?**

The sorceress smiles, saying, "See? This is nice question. It isn't vulgar or personal in any way."

"So…?" Cia is impatient, especially after being told that there are 16 questions left.

Lana wasn't expecting to be rushed, so she stutters, "Oh, um… I don't know. It would be relaxing to just go pick flowers with him. I'm sorry if that's not your favorite thing, Link, but I'd have fun, nonetheless." Link gives an understanding nod. He ate a turkey sandwich before they started, and he is just now getting sleepy from it.

 **Daphnes, would you rather continue to sail the great sea as a boat OR become a submarine and explore under the sea?**

What an intriguing inquiry! One wouldn't know this about him from a first impression, but King D has always found joy in new experiences. As wonderful as the salty ocean breeze is, the depths of the sea is a world he has yet to explore. In conclusion, a submarine would be his choice if he was presented the option.

 **Ruto, if you weren't a Zora, would you rather be an ancestor of the Zoras (like the Parella) OR a descendant of the Zoras (like the Rito)?**

The princess has to stand for this one just to thoroughly express herself. She exclaims, "I don't know who the Parella are, but I've seen a Rito. What in the world happened?! Why did we turn into birds!?"

Medli takes a breath to explain.

"Nope! I don't want an explanation. I'm taking my chances; ancestors." And she sits down. The warriors sit in silence for a while.

…

"I think one of my souls was one of your ancestors, Ruto. They wanted to swallow the Gorons with a giant wave. Look at where that lust for destruction got them. Hiya ha ha!"

 **Ghirahim, would you rather be unfabulous for a day OR serve Zelda for a week?**

He smirks. "Again, when am I ever not fabulous? Also, 'unfabulous' is not a word. You can't talk to me until you get it right."

Laughing, Zant asks, "What's wrong with it?"

"What's wrong with it? It's not a word! You can't just stick 'un' in front of a word to make it the opposite. Of course you wouldn't know what's wrong with it; I cringed so hard yesterday when you said 'unsatisfactory'. Blech!"

Midna's visible eye narrows, not because she is confused, but because she's humored. She corrects, "Ghirahim, 'unsatisfactory' is a word."

Ghirahim holds out a hand with the palm out to Midna. He avoids looking at her, saying, "You're tainted too. You can't talk to me."

Ganondorf looks at Zelda. "To show our new peaceful bond, I'm offering you the service of my demon lord for a week, princess. Your castle will never be the same again."

"Oh, I'm sure," she responds, playing along. "Excuse me, what?" asks Ghirahim, as he was distracted. For once, Zelda and Ganondorf can share a laugh.

 **Ganondorf, would you rather have all 3 pieces of the Triforce OR break the cycle?**

"If I had all three pieces, not only would the cycle be broken, but I'd have ultimate power. That was a stupid question that you should have already known the answer to." And he'll leave it at that.

 **Majora, would you rather become your own character in the Hyrule Warriors game OR become a good guy for the rest of your life?**

"I don't see the downside to the first option," the mask bluntly states. "Also, I _am_ the good guy."

Linkle gives the mask and its wearer a skeptical glance. She would ask "are you sure about that", but she'd only get into an argument. She has had her fair share of arguments with the maniacal mask, so she opts not to probe it.

 **Zant, would you rather kiss Midna on the lips OR be ripped apart by her wolves?**

He's going to have canine nightmares for weeks. "Great Sols, what is wrong with you people?" inquires Zant with a hint of dread in his voice. Midna thought the second half of the question was beautiful. If you couldn't tell already, she's a little morbid.

"I might get herpes, but at least I won't be reduced to a mauled corpse. I… I can't believe I'm saying this, but the first one."

"Try to kiss me, and you _will_ be mauled corpse," the Twilight Princess mercilessly adds.

 **Marin, watch seagulls OR play your ocarina?**

Marin has to look at the ground in a mournful matter. She says, "Yeah, I guess I'd rather play my ocarina. At least then I'd be getting some practice in."

King Daphnes is very intuitional. "Your dream to fly is a beautiful and innocent desire, Marin," he verbalizes his thoughts. All Marin can do is shrug. It's more than fly; she wants to see this world she was born into. What lies beyond the horizon? Is it wrong to wonder if there is something more than a tiny island in the middle of the ocean?

 **Ganondorf, would you rather raise Zant's children OR fall in love with Ghirahim's ancestor in another era?**

Ganondorf's face falls into his hands. He groans, "Seriously, did these people drink before coming up with these?"

Ghirahim places his hands on his hips in true Cia fashion. Along with this attitude, he comments, "Zant doesn't share the throne; what makes you think he'd share the bed?" Wizzro loves this guy.

Zelda scolds that they've already shattered the non-suggestive barrier, following up by daring someone else to step over that line. There will be consequences. Toon Link opens his mouth, but Tetra knows that Zelda is serious, so she helpfully shuts TL's mouth for him.

Demise's incarnation hates both of these options, but since it is a 'would you rather' question, he has to pick one. "Well," he begins to think aloud. "I hate children, but I hate Ghirahim so much more. The lesser of two evils would be Zant's kids."

Then, the loophole reveals itself. "You never said the children have to live," snickers Lord Ganondorf. Now both of his minions are either offended or horrified… or both.

 **Lana, would you rather have cake OR pie?**

Yay! An innocent one! "Oh, pie definitely!"

Cia gives Lana a disgusted expression. "UM… Lana, you meant to say cake, right?"

Lana loses her smile, replying, "N-no. My favorite is pie. I don't care what kind; I just like the crust."

The dark sorceress shakes her head, saying, "Listen, I like pie, but you can't be me if you chose pie over cake."

"Chocolate cake, maybe. It has to be one of those days. But pie all the way."

This could go on for a long time, so moving on…

 **Agitha, would you rather sit on Link's lap OR eat bugs?**

With the pouty face, Agitha screams, "I would never dare eat a bug! I would much rather sit in Link's lap."

"This is an educated guess," Midna states. "But I think we'd all rather sit in Link's lap than eat bugs."

"I have no opinion on the matter," corrects Fi.

 **Cia, would you rather date Volga OR Wizzro?**

She raises an eyebrow. She exchanges glances with her other half, taking a breath before asking "Is this person for real?" Lana shrugs.

Turning towards you, she says, "I'm in my right mind, thank you very much."

"Oh, that's good to know. Thanks for that update," spits the wizard hatefully.

Lana leans in close to Cia, whispering something girly. Cia flat out says aloud, "Yes, baby. Swoon! And those abs; I'd bet my life that they're rock solid."

The dragon knight clears his throat, hoping that the awkward moment will pass if he does. "Ladies, perhaps we should move on. There are not many questions left."

 **Young Link, would you rather start a band with Skull Kid, Medli, and Marin OR find a way to bring your mask spirits back to life then start a band with THEM?**

Darunia gently pokes the child's head to awake him. YL awakes with a jolt, yelling, "Navi, don't go!" Reality sets in. Several of the female warriors go "aw!" like they would for any sweet moment. Young Link looks to Darunia for a recap on what he missed. "This question is for you, kiddo," the Goron informs.

Once the question is repeated, YL responds, "The girls both play the harp, and sure, Skull Kid can play trumpet. But my Deku Persona plays the trumpet, too. And Mikau plays guitar. Speaking of Mikau, he was in a band before his tragic death, so he would already have experience. I'm sorry guys, but if I had to start a band, it would be with my masks."

Medli is not offended. She prefers to perform solo, anyways. (She's play with Makar every once in a while, but he's the one that suggests they play.)

 **Zant, would you rather be forced to watch all of the High School Musical movies in a row OR watch ALL of the Twilight movies in a row? (The submitter said "I'm sorry for putting you through this, I really am")**

Zant shrugs. "Don't be sorry. This was tame compared to that last one I got."

"On good days, you're very understanding," comments Zant's lord. Zant will take that as a compliment. See? He wouldn't make a terrible ruler.

But back to the question, Zant has his reasoning; "Considering that I've already seen the High School Musical trilogy, plus the actual musical version of it, I'd rather sit down and watch the Twilight movies. They can't be that bad." Midna gives him points for optimism.

Shaking her head, Cia interrogates, "Zant… why did you watch the High School Musical trilogy?" Ghirahim is wondering the same thing. No matter the answer, he has lost all respect for Zant.

Zant defends himself by explaining, "I didn't have a choice! That question Midna got about who she'd rather spend an entire day with—that's what I did on that day with Agitha."

Ganondorf is embarrassed to ask, "You willingly spent a day with Agitha?"

"She wouldn't let me go!" the Twili cries. "I was in the fields when everything went black and I woke up in Agitha's castle. I tried to leave, but when I reached for the door she said in a creepy voice 'I know you have bugs'. I nearly threw up, it was terrifying!"

Now everybody is laughing but Agitha and Zant. Agitha pouts, "But you did! You were holding a pretty beetle hostage!" "And you never got that beetle, did you?" he taunts. Agitha is now depressed. She never got that beetle, and now it's probably dead because Zant is heartless. He probably tried to kill it with light like he did to Midna that one time!

"But anyways, I sat through High School Musical. It was just as cheesy as my high school years were. Thanks, Agitha." She can't tell if he was being sarcastic or not.

 **Wizzro, would you rather never say anything OR say everything you think?**

This makes Cia wonder a few things. She thought Wizzro already says everything on his mind, but she could be wrong. Hmm… what is he hiding?

"So basically, be miserable one way, or be miserable the other way. Yeah, that's what you're asking," he verbalizes.

Volga deduces, "If everything you thought was appropriate, then this wouldn't be an issue."

Wizzro shakes his head. "That's not the problem," he states. "The problem is that Cia will take anything offensively. On the other hand, if I never said anything at all, it would be back to the ring basically."

Darunia catches something clever, so he asks, "Pun intended?"

"MMM… no, but you can laugh at my misery if you want. Everybody already does." With that said, Darunia laughs at the pun he caught. Wizzro is not amused.

Throwing up his hands, Wizzro says, "You know what, let the world know what I think! I'd rather say everything. Volga, you always smell like burning flesh. Cia, put some clothes on, woman! Zelda- oh, don't get me started!"

Cia's response cuts him off; "First off, ew. Secondly, you'd better stop right there."

"And I will!"

Then there is silence.

 **Tetra, would you rather be an animal tamer at the circus OR be an archer who lives in the woods and eats anything you shoot?**

The pirate captain shrugs. "I'll eat anything. Plus, I like killing things. Sure, I'd be an archer. Life wouldn't be the same without the sea, though, just so you know."

 **Anyone, if you had to die, would you rather fall into a fan OR get crushed by a cow?**

UH…

"Crushed by a cow? Like… Earthworm Jim? Oh geez, I just dated myself," utters Link. Zelda laughs. She has contained her laughter the entire time, but that was too funny.

Agitha is still depressed, but now it's worse. She asks, "Why would I have to die like that? Those are awful!"

"The fan would be a gory mess," Tetra thinks aloud. "Yeah, let's go with that." Toon Link doesn't agree. He'd take the cow. "I get a pass to this one, right? Because I'm a spirit?" Toon Zelda asks. "I'm technically a spirit, too, but I can most certainly be crushed, _Volga_ ," the wizard hints. Volga ignores him.

Dinnertime swiftly approaches. "Master, it is my duty to remind you that you are on a strict eating schedule, and it is nearly time for you to consume the final meal of the day, not including your midnight snack," the Goddess Sword spirit informs the current hero incarnation.

And with that said, the group disbands. Not far from the park is Hyrule Station, a modern establishment for the railroad. Zelda visits the station, knowing she will return here very soon. Besides the flora, the only life to be seen is a single bird. The bird is white, complete with beady eyes. It carries what appears to be a business card. Zelda is given the card. A familiar name is printed on it alongside an image of a rupee, the mark of a shopkeeper.

They are coming.

* * *

Author's Notes- Yeah, I know I said Would You Rather would be chapter 15, but I couldn't wait! I do know what chapter 15 will be, though, now that we've played Would You Rather. Thanks to everyone who submitted questions for the warriors. That was a grand total of 66 questions, including the questions I submitted. Wow! That was a ton of fun! Also, thanks to ultimateCCC for suggesting that the meeting should be held outside. Zelda had to smack herself in the face wondering why she never thought of that before. Just as a warning, I don't plan on updating as regularly due to another Hyrule Warriors fanfic I've been working on. I was inspired to deviate from the Warriors Uncut formula. But never fear, we're not done here. See you all later!


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